Sunday, March 07, 2010

no matter what I do

I t appears in my life as i am learning no matter what I do someone will end up being hurt.I can walk on eggshells, i can try to please as many people as I can, but inevitably someone will get hurt. I know I can't please everyone but I like making people happy. I would sacrifice my life for another so they would get what they want. But if I dare step in and say ehy this is what I want I am needy, greedy, selfish, demanding, hurtful, and so on. Why. Why can't I have things too?

I need freinds and attention right now. I am lonely and I need somone in my life who will understand and support that. I want to be able to have that support from a current friend in my life, without question or ridicule from others.

I have digressed inot different thinbgs in life and am not sure how I feel abotu them myself so it is hard to convey this to others. I know I am happy working. I know I enjoy my apt w my great roomate. I know I enjoy hanging out with her, her frenz and my frenz.

I miss J though terribly. I miss him holding me at night. I miss watching our tv shows together. I miss the way we are together physically. I miss many many things. but through it all even though I do miss those things I think this is good for us as a make it or break it. I was reading in an old blog that I felt J wasn't moving forward at 9 months. It is now 2 1/2 years and I still feel this way. SMACK! What the hell.

I want to be patient. I want to grow and change. But at times I feel as if I am the only one growing and chaning because he doesn't share how he thinks or feels. How am I supposed to know what he is working on if he never talks to me? Why won't men tal damn it!

I want him to feel like he used to. I want him to feel as if he ca't breathe without me near. I want him to makr his terrority and make sure the whole worls knows I am his. I want him to be impressed and proud of me. I want his love his attention his desire.

But just as the rest no matter what I do somoene (usually me ) is unhappy. Im tired of being unhappy.

I really don't wan to make others unhappy. But no matter how much I care for them and try to be there fo rthem, I can't make everyone happy.