Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Despisition of Marriage

I was walking through the store the other day and ended up in the wedding aisle and promptly walked to another aisle.

I watch TV and the commercials about weddings nauseate me.

I see ads in my magazines about Wedding Rings and the perfect Wedding Vacation and I rip them out and throw them away.

I hear commercials or ads about marriage, rings, anything married related and I immediately change the channel.

I didn't notice I was even doing this until someone else brought it to my attention and I stopped and looked over at them and said

"You know, I remember a time a few years ago when the ex and I were sitting at a work function and I nearly lost it because someone asked when we were getting married. I hated hearing about stuff then and we felt like it was a curse upon us to have to hear those things because I wanted it SO very bad and he kept saying he didn't know or wasn't ready or I had to PROVE myself to him and I just couldn't take it, after FOUR YEARS I couldn't take it anymore!! I thought, wow I really hate Wedding and Marriage stuff and that was then...but now..it's even worse...because of all this...I don't just not like it, I don't just hate it in the smallest regard...

I despise it." 

Then I felt a tear roll down my cheek and it took all my might not to burst into tears in the middle of the store. My friend said "Aww, I know I am sorry" and tried to sideways hug me. 

I don't trust men anymore

I am back to that frame of thinking when I was 20sih. Men only want sex from me. Men cannot be trusted. Men will lie to me to get what they want. Men will keep their feelings from me , so they can keep me  around until they are done with me. Men are not willing to fight for me. Men are scum. The good guys are too meek to step up to the plate to enjoy me. Strong men are too much of an asshole to be kind to me. Men in the middle don't know what the hell they want and are wishy washy. Old men want someone to care for them. Young men want a milf or sex. Those in the middle end up dancing around because they either have kids and want help raiing them or want kids in their future or just don't know and I don't want to stick around for four more years to find out.

I am in a crux. I do want marriage. But now I feel scared, vulnerable and frustrated. The "It's not fair" theory still exists in my head. It's not. I gave four years to someone who showed me every sign two years ago that though I was amazing and great and etc I wasn't the one he wanted. That stings and I can still feel it.

I don't feel the victim or target, I just feel fear. Yep you heard me. Fear. I know for someone who takes risks, who is fearless, who is strong and tough and courageous, how in the hell can I feel Fear? Well, let me tell you...

I am scared to hurt someone else and I am scared to be hurt again

I don't want to keep someone on a string. I don't want to be on a string while someone tried to figure out if it is ME that they want. I don't' want to put someone else there either. It sucks. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be the one to inflict that kind of pain on anyone. I don't like feeling that kind of pain. I want to be dating again and I am working on getting back out there, but I take steps now with tiny feet not big leaps.

I want to be proposed in a  real fashion like I should. My first husband and I ended up pregnant, I had my kid, then we decided "Hey maybe we should get married to shut the parents up, so we did. No proposal. My second husband took me to the Ritz Carlton to give me a promise ring which I thought was more then he wishy washy like said ok it's an engagement ring. Again no proposal. I want a ring to come floating on a string to my hand, or in a balloon, or it presented even simply to me with a man kneeling down on one knee and saying "Trisha Hunter, will you marry me?"

I more than anything than that though want a guy to want me for me, all of me flaws and all and know he has a great catch and is lucky to have me and would never DREAM of letting me go and he would fight for me to the death if he had to!!

Yes I despise marriage for now...but one day I will believe in it again...when I don't know...but if I didn't hate it before...I certainly DO now...sigh..