Thursday, October 06, 2016

Whose There for You?



I was thinking about this last night, late in the night when I couldn't sleep. Whose there for you? Mostly, whose there for me? Not in a mean way, or in a pity way, but in a "taking stock" kind of way.

I make friends easily but then I lose friends easy too.

Some come and stay and they become my best of friends. Friends I could never imagine being without. Friends that have been my friends for 5, 8, 10 years even!

Then there are friends I met and they whipped through my life for a mere year and I thought they were going to be my friends forever.

Of course, then there are those friends, I thought I was never going to get along with and then they ended up becoming my bestie, or my personal assistant and I don't even know what I would have done without them.

But in the end, out of all those"friends" who is really "there for for me"

This is what I was thinking about last night, in the "wee hours" and that is what made me sad.

Why? You ask? Because, in reality....no one.

My spouse. He is there for me. I am glad that is true, thank god, because there was a time, in past marriages, that wasn't even the case. If my exes ever read this, I am not trying to be mean, but it is true. My first ex and I had so many trials we never got along and were always arguing he was never there, he was always standing up for his parents. My second ex was always traveling trying to make ends meet.

Hunepants, however, is always there for me. He even got a VOIP phone so he could work from home on Tuesdays just because I said I missed him so much because I have been in so much pain and needed him around more. He takes care of me when needed. He truly IS there for me.

I am there for my friends. I run errands for them. I take them places. I go do things for them when needed. I offer to help without being asked. I take them to appointment when they can't drive themselves. I watch their children when no one else will offer to help, not even their own family. I listen to them when they are going through trials. I go do their dishes and clean their house at no request, just because I know it is needed. I send cards and notes and I always try to make sure they know they are loved.

I am saying these things for any pats on the back here. I am saying this so you understand that I would do anything for my friends. I would walk through fire for them, I go the distance....yet...

When I have been laid up for the past two weeks, did anyone offer to come take care of me? Did anyone come over to my house and offer to help do my dishes? Clean my floors? Help cook my meals? Did anyone even order me pizza? Did anyone even send flowers or cards even? Did I even get calls? One or two? Was anyone concerned?

It's not like NO ONE cares. I do have two friends coming out to see me and that makes me feel good. I did have two friends call and that is good and I am grateful, I am.  I really am.

I just feel so "disheartened" I guess that I do SO MUCH for my friends and at times I feel like they do so little for me.

I am a Chronic Pain Sufferer.

I have been down for nearly two weeks now. It sucks. My spouse has done dishes, fed cats and fed me. The other day he came home and I was in so much pain I nearly begged him to take me to the hospital. I don't say much but I have not been quiet about this recent occurrence on social media.

Have I specifically reached out to anyone? No. But neither did those other people to me and I came tot he call. Maybe people are blind. Maybe they need a smack on the head. I don't know. Maybe people don't care about me as much as I care about them. I don't know.

I just feel sad that sometimes that people are not there for me as much I am there for them. That locally I don't have the support that I desire.  This is my life. I have never felt that and I feel like I have been "jipped"! I feel like other people have those besties and friends that do those things for them and I don't. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just "feel bad" because I am "feeling bad", I don't know, I just know that I don't feel  like I have that "person". I don't feel like I ever had that person or persons and I don't feel like I ever will and I wonder if I ever will.

Do you? Whose there for you?