Saturday, February 29, 2020

Being Aware of everything and Nothing at the Same time

I have noticed something lately.

I have become aware of something.

Myself, my surroundings, how my spouse and I interact or don't interact, how I feel like I am always the parent in this relationship, how often my feelings get hurt, how many times I pull back and retreat, like for instance, right now.

This morning I got up to get coffee, spend time with my Hunepants.

He wants to watch his bitcoin show. I have an issue with that.

In the midst, he is making crepes and pancakes.

So in reality what that means is, "He is making a mess." There are batters on the counter, flour everywhere, the spatula with oil dripping and leaking on the counter in between the line of the sink and counter and I sigh.

The constant battle of "Why can't you clean up as you go" issue.

I offered a suggestion "May I offer a suggestion? If you put the batters in the bowl and the spatula on the plate it won't make such a mess." And then I put the batters ina bowl and that spatula on a plate.

He explains, "I wasn't done with those yet!"

I asked where the paper towels were.

He exclaimed loudly, "HONEY! I am trying to watch my show here!"

Ok fine.

I walk away, go into my bedroom, close the door, cry in the closet for about 2 minutes because he hurts my feelings, dry my eyes, then stand in the middle of my room feeling like I have no one to talk to.

Then I remembered my blog.

I have so many damn blogs I actually forget this one many times. this one which always was my online diary. My outlet to the world to get out my thoughts and feelings. If people are reading or listening, I don't care. This is my space.

Past boyfriends hated this blog because as real and open as I am on social media, I am 100% down to reality here. I need this space to be a space where I can truly let it out.

This is part of what I am aware of.

I have been feeling overwhelmed. Anxious. Like I have no outlet, nowhere to let it out. but I do. Here. This blog. So many times I am protective of saying things that might hurt his job or his ego or his privacy but then I have nowhere to go or speak or unload.

We have a really good life but of course, things are not perfect.

The older we get and the more and more I am opening my mind and freeing my thoughts it appears the Hunepants does not like that side of me.

That makes it hard.

It is now 2020.

I had had cancer twice in a few short years of each other.

The first was Colon Cancer and technically though they say "Metastizied Colon cancer" it was in My ovaries os Ovarian Cancer"

There is a lot of mind-body connection to both of those. But the bigger issue is stress.

In the past few years and I would say most of my life, STRESS has been my bread and butter. It is not tasty, I don't necessarily like it but it is what I have had to eat.

This year I am trying to change that diet of stress.

I feel like now that I am speaking up more so I don't hold all those issues in we are butting heads more. He is not going to like it, but I need to be heard. I need to speak up. Holding in is not healthy and in the long run, costs more issues. Costs more in healthcare for me and I am hoping he seeing the bigger picture.

He stresses me out when he screams at the top of his lungs his caveman screams to let out his frustrations. I nearly climb the walls.

He stresses me out when he leaves a mess all over the place and I have to clean it up.

He stresses me out when he snaps at me.

He stresses me out when he has a fit about things not being the way he likes them.

He hurts my feelings when he won't participate in my life and them things I do. I don't like feeling like I have to beg him t come to events with me and support me. I want him to come because he wants to come, but because I beg.

He wears his headphones around the house nonstop listening to podcasts but that means there is no open communication. If I want to openly speak he has to stop his podcast and he acts like it is an intrusion on his ears for me to do so.

We have lived in the apartment for over a month and yet his room is still stacked high with bins and nothing is put away. There is no life in his room and it feels cluttered and unwelcoming. IT makes me not want to be in there or spend time with him. though in reality, I WANt to spend time with him

My friend gave me an extra Tv as a trade for work I did for her. I wanted to put the TV in his room so we could cuddle on the futon and watch shows together. He acted like it was a huge imposition to him.

If I speak up about my thoughts or my feelings he says I hurt his. then I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't talk openly. I am struggling to have an open dialogue with him anymore.

For the past few years, things were great. But looking back I feel like they were great because reI suppressed.

That suppression in my mind led to or made my cancer worse.

In the past few months I have had a lot of thyroid and throat issues.

It makes me wonder if this is yet another representation of suppression. My throat chakra trying to tell me something.

All I know is that more and more I am feeling hurt, sensitive, and a desire to retreat.

I feel overwhelmed in my life and want to find a farm in the country and do nothing but pick berries, make bread, live off the land and be a hippie.

I am tied of adulting and trying to play nice with others.  Especially my spouse.

I know he is 11 years younger than me and that tI would run into some of these issues but the older I get I thought we would meet in the middle somewhere.

I'm at a loss.

I also know the thyroid can cause depression and a lot of how I am feeling could all be a part of that.

I am aware of all these things and at the same time feel like I am aware of nothing at all.

This year I turn 50.

Isn't life supposed to easier as you get older?

Could somebody tell the universe so I can get on that bus?

No comments:

Post a Comment