That was an interesting last 20 minutes of my life, crying in my closet, all the lights off, listening to music, just balling. Looking back I shake my head in wonder and ask myself, "What was that all about?"
One thing kind of made me crack tonight.
For the third time this week, someone said to me "You are making me feel bad."
First, let me say I hate that saying because no one can MAKE you feel bad. You feel bad because something the person is saying to you triggered something in you that you feel bad about. That person did NOT make you feel bad.
Second, it was that final piece you add to the house of cards that makes it all come tumbling down.
Let me explain,
As of this weekend, I have now made over 1000 handsewn masks for my local community.
I was able to do that because of my new community of friends I have made on NEXTDOOR.
I am tired, I am worn, I am doing all I can to help the community. I might be a little on edge and I might not always say things correctly.
That does not mean I MADE someone feel bad.
I don't want people to feel bad for things I say but I do realize I can't control how they take it.
The overwhelm came from a simple waffle I was looking forward to eating, in my opinion, getting ruined because it was no longer crispy it was now soggy. I said something about how it was put away and why it was soggy and how sad I was that I felt it was ruined. Of course, the person, who was trying to be helpful by putting them away now feels bad and it's my fault.
The thing is, I know from experience, it really had nothing to do with te waffle.
It had to do with the fact that in our current situation, staying at home, not getting many pleasures, we find pleasures in the little things, and that was a pleasure I was looking forward to after working so hard lately. When it wasn't right, I was disappointed.
I never feel like I am allowed to say that though. The minute I say I am disappointed someone tells me I made them feel bad,
Why am I not allowed to express myself! GRR. So frustrating.
So, I think, after a long MONTH of sewing so many masks, and in this week had to deal with a broken serger, a backlog of orders I had to use critical thinking to figure out how to leverage my new NextDoor friends who have been helping me, to find a workaround, and luckily I did, but all that brainpower to do all that and deal with people unhappy about a FREE mask they gave a donation for and of course, I being me, try to fix it, thus creating more work for myself, and do the dishes daily and the laundry weekly and cook and clean and try to save the world...well
Saving the world is a bit overwhelming!
To say the least.
I do videos to inspire and encourage others to think positive, I answer phone calls of people who are struggling, I help people figure out Zoom who are trying to run meetings, I help my friends by trying to think of ways they can make money and survive during this crisis and maybe update or make a website for them to help them, I sew masks and donate masks to the grocery store, my cancer center, other patients at the cancer center I think of, and take care of my apartment complex community, and I volunteer for MasksNow trying to help them with promotion and I manage my FB groups to help others move forward in their lives, (too many groups to mention) and I sew and sew and sew.
I feel like I was saved from cancer twice for a reason. A big part of that is giving back or paying it forward. All that I am doing now I feel is doing that. I was saved for this time in my life. I went through all I did in life so I was ready for this moment in our life. I truly feel like if anyone understands storms of life and how to get through them and stay positive through them and help others while going through them, especially the ones you cant control, is me.
That's how you save the world.
You save the world by being the best human you can be.
That's what I strive for. To be the best human I can be.
I am still human.
I make mistakes. Sometimes I feel like people forget I am human.
In that humanness, I also get overwhelmed by doing my part in saving the world.
Then I get sensitive.
Then I crack.
Then I break down and cry in my closet for 20 minutes.
When I am done.
When I have let those tears flow and sobbed and balled and let my emotions truly pour out of me, though it sounds sad to hear someone cured for 20 minutes in their closer, it really is therapeutic and healing.
Saving the world IS a bit overwhelming, but I would not stop doing anything I am going because I know it is making a difference and leaving a legacy of love and that's all that matters to me.