Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Sometimes There Just aren't Enough Rocks

I haven't been blogging because I have been in the mood of "I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to share, I don't want to draw, or write or Facebook or Twitter or exist." That is how I have felt. There are days when I feel Stronger, but the thought no more than enters my mind than I soon lose it and feel, "Nope, not yet, but maybe soon."

There have been so many hard times and hard things going on lately it has been hard to keep track of my feelings and thoughts. It has been the most difficult thing I have had to do, perhaps not forever, not ever in my life, but the hardest thing I have had to do in a very long time...deal with Heartbreak.

I am having the very hardest time forgiving myself out of it all.  Though I have grown and made realizations in my life, though I have learned why I did things and now this knowing has changed me, it is too late. I left. I left him not once but many times. I know how this hurts and how it was my own stupidity for leaving, how it was my own consequences for leaving and how asking him or anyone else I have afflicted for forgiveness in this matter seems quite unreasonable.

I have learned through this how communication is a strong and powerful too. The lack OF communication has a heavier, stronger weight. A weight and a burden that words NOT spoken can damage so dearly, so profoundly than the words that ARE spoken.

Yes, I left but not with  clear words, not with clear communication of what my desires were for us. He also is at fault here for not reaching out or sharing with me what HIS desires were as well. The other woman came back in his life while I was still with him and he was faithful to me in body and he says in mind, but I know from my own sorted past that there was an internal tug at his heart, perhaps only sub consciously of the "What If" I left again, "What If" with her. He left inside his heart before I even walked back out of the door. Wether he is willing to admit it or not, he wanted to be with her. HE mentioned her often in our relationship for four years. He said how great they were friends. He said how the spouses hated their connection. When you have a crush on someone, you crush on them. You may try hard as you might, but internally the CRUSH is still lingering there. My fault was not speaking up. My fault was not saying my fears about this woman. My fault was not communicating. He left in his heart, he gave up before, and now because of all of this, my heart is broken, shattered in pieces on the fall that I feel will never be repaired. Perhaps if we had communicated better they could be, but that is not the case.

I have felt a heaviness since all of this and have pressed for information. I am indeed connected to this person and I just knew I was not getting the whole story. I knew it. I could sense it. I could feel it.

I have been very up and down with my strength because just when I feel ok, in some sense, I feel a pull of that unknowing of those words that were left unsaid. I have been pining after him and sending love letters and images and have tried so desperately not to drive the man insane, but my heart kept begging the question "If you are so in love with her and she fulfills you so deeply, why do you still care about me, love me and want me in your life? A man who is fulfilled by one woman does NOT seek out another. You move on."

He has not had many women in his life and he is a tender and caring man. I know he cares about me but in his effort to NOT send me mixed messages or hurt me or hurt my heart anymore than he already has, things were left unsaid. I pressed because I just KNEW I wasn't hearing everything. He hasn't broken up with anyone and he hasn't affected a person like he has done me. He doesn't have the tools and he is alone in his decisions. Family, friends, counselors, others tell him to walk away, cut the cord, stop talking to me, move on. But he will admit as much as I will there is a bond, there is a connection and we could cut the string but the invisible line like ants leave their trail will still be there no matter what we do. He wants to place blame and say it is my fault for leaving and I understand why that is easier to do, but the reality here is I do not blame him for hurting me. I blame myself and I blame each other...mutually.

He asked me to stop writing the love letters, he said they were wearing on him. I have cut back my communication with him more and more, but the hardship is when we don't talk for awhile, he reaches through to me and it gives me hope.  Hope that perhaps I should not have. Hope I should let go...but I can't.

I thought up til now he still loved me. I thought he still cared about me, deeply. I thought he still wanted me in his life but just does not trust me or believe in the changes in me.I thought he was just afraid to let me in again.I thought if I showed him and sent my love he would see what I see. He was meant for me and I was meant for him. My thoughts were solely based on our love fore the past four years, but how things have been since all of this drama began.

I asked to speak with him last night and hard pressed for answers. Answers not many would care to know. But I am unique. I am not like other women. I desire to grow. I desire to heal. I know from my life, healing, at times means hurting so that we may get THROUGH things in our lives. Pain is a part of process. I am not like others and I don't take forever to learn those lessons. I have known pain. I have know hurt. Hurting...is exactly what I got last night. I finally was given all the facts.

I found out he has already asked her to marry him. He proposed to her months ago. Sadly, not long after I left. I left Mid December, he proposed to her New Years Eve, a mere three weeks once I was gone. He hasn't been completely honest with for me of hurting me, but the lack of information only makes me feel like I don't know what to believe now, from him, in life, etc.

He told me up til now he was making level headed decisions. He told me he wasn't rushing into anything. He told me he was taking things slow. He told me many things in the past few months since I found out he was with her...I wouldn't say he quite lied, but he wasn't honest with me.

How am I to know how to heal when I don't have all the facts. How am I supposed to "Let Go" or "Move On" when I feel like all this time I have been on a string, I have been the hook. I can't help but feeling like I was being strung along even though he says that was not his "intention". Ok, I give you that. You may not know how to do this, deal with this or handle this...but hopefully you see my side and see where I would get that.

To say I became emotional during this conversation is an understatement. I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt, I was sobbing uncontrollably and I used a box and a half of tissues. The irony...he was crying too. It begs the question "Why?" I know he cares, but I can't get past the idea that this man still is in love with me. His heart is broke from my insecurities. He no more than said he was not afraid...then asked me if that hurt because when he answered I stopped speaking. Yes. Yes it hurt. More than you will ever be able to imagine. His voice was hard and cold and that hurt most of all. I sat there thinking "Did he say that to TRY and hurt me? IS this a ploy to test me to see if I really WILL let go and move on? Or does he REALLY feel this way?"

I have no clue and you know...I don't even want to know anymore. Oddly, I don't want to know though not because of what he MIGHT say, but because of what he might say. Yep. I just said the same thing twice but if you re read it in my voice, it will make more sense like this...

I don't know who or what to believe anymore.

I really don't.

Having the facts doesn't make things EASIER by far...but I do feel now, like things are on a level playing field in a sense. Now what? I don't know.

When I first came back my roommate asked me what I felt about him. I informed him I felt we were friends and I was thankful he gave me a place to stay. He said, he allowed me to come back because he "hoped" for more than that. Then he asked me to marry him. I sat there dumbfounded. I informed him I couldn't' do that to him because my thoughts were elsewhere. He said "Everything you feel for J I feel for you. Maybe someday you will let someone other than J have a  chance at loving you."

Last night once I got off the phone with J it was late. But my roommate being a kind person though he is also tired of the drama came to me to see how I was doing and spoke with me about it all. He said I am not angry enough. He said he knew J was going to break my heart someday and he thought if he stepped in sooner than it would cushion the fall. He also said that he knew if I didn't walk away I would be heartbroken like this and damaged and he wanted to be the one to be there, waiting in the wings.

Hearing this nearly broke my heart even more. B is a good man. He is kind. He in sincere and he is an all around nice guy. But he is not perfect and he is not what I am looking for. When I was dating last year him and every other man was measured to the Yardstick of J. No, I am not a fool to believe J is perfect but most people in life look at a man they love or woman I guess and think "I love this person DESPITE their problems and insecurities..." But me, I love him, BECAUSE of them. I love him because I love him.

B was harsh in some of the things he said to me, but it did not change my viewpoint.  He said, if I still have any hope or belief in J then I am hopeless. No man is ever going to crack that because I still believe. He said I am going to be like the old man at the end of the movie Inception, alone, withered and with no one and maybe I will remember that I pined for a love that doesn't want me or desire me. My loneliness will be my own fault. I am not getting any younger and though I may look stunning now at 42, looks fade and mine will too and that I should be more willing to accept and open my heart to someone and stop weeping and pining over J.

Yeah...OUCH. That's what I said.

He however is also moving on. He is getting a promotion that is taking him to Minnesota and he doesn't know when but it could happen while I am in Colorado. He made it clear to me last night, that he did nto see me in Minnesota with him and he wishes me luck in my life, cuz I am gonna need it.

Double OUCH.

So, I may be that lonely old woman just her and cats...but if you can't have the one you love...why settle for anything else...? Maybe I AM a fool for love. But he hasn't married her yet. She isn't living with him yet. She isn't pregnant...yet.

I am at a loss today, true. I have all the facts, but now what do I do with them? I don't know. I sent my last love letter a few days ago, so he won't have to worry about those. I will curb my communication and hopefully get to the point where I can leave him alone.

I may in my heart still be pining, yearning and hoping, but who say he has to know about it? In fact, he probably would rather not. Right now I need to work on healing me.

At this time, I just trying to do that...heal. I have doctor's visits for my possible PTSD and I have neurology appointments and MRI's to see why I keep having smoke smelling migraines. I have been feeling and afraid I am going to have an aneurism lately and though the doctor says he thinks that is highly unlikely, things I have described are common in those instances. The neurologist who is a specialist might want me to see another specialist when I get to Denver about how to deal with PTSD.  He says it is not uncommon for people with issues like I have in life to have a nervous breakdown or suffer from PTSD  I have had a breakdown before when I was younger but it was after sever physical abuse. In many ways I feel stronger and that I have learned better tools and skills to deal with things, but right now, I don't feel like I have those tools to deal wit this. He thinks going to a group and clinical studies, specifically about PTSD migt be a better option for me than a grief or loss counselor.

I don't know. I am just trying to breathe today. Show Up. Be present enough to function. All I really want to do is throw rocks. I want to throw rocks at the world, I want to throw rocks at the person in my family that molested me, I want to throw rocks at the person who used to hit me, I want to throw rocks at the person who raped me, I want to throw rocks and the people who hurt me in high school, I want to throw rocks at my mother for leaving when I was so young, I want to throw rocks at my father who died and abandoned me, I want to throw rocks at businesses who wouldn't hire me, I want to throw rocks at the business world who wouldn't give me a chance to succeed,  I want to throw rocks at the men who hit on me, or say stupid shit to me like how hot I am, I want to throw rocks at the men who used me, I want to throw rocks at the people who judge me, I want to throw rocks at the people who won't allow me to express myself, I want to throw rocks at the universe, I want to throw rocks at everyone and everything. I want to throw rocks and scream and shout and feel it all so I don't have to feel it anymore....I just want to throw rocks at everything...

...but Forrest Gump says it best when he says "Sometimes There Just aren't Enough Rocks"

 "Sometimes There Just aren't Enough Rocks"

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