Sunday, January 29, 2012

Leaving a Memory of Her Father's Eyes by Living in the Dark Before the Morning

I started my Sunday listening to my Christian music. The playlist is a compilation so I don't have a clue when a song is coming to com eon in what order...I think I have it on shuffle too (not sure). Out of the blue Father's Eyes come on by Amy Grant.

 
I already had plans to go to Boone today to visit my sisters and take the Non-Profit items to her as a donation from my Non-Profit, Warriors for the Homeless, to her church God's House on Earth

I have started taking the back way, through a town called Slater, then Madrid then the back way up on the old farm. The Boone Cemetery is around the corner from the farm so as I am driving by I decide I need to go see my father.The song I heard earlier is resonating through my mind. I think further into this that at a time like this a girl really needs her father. (Dead or not)

Oddly enough, later on tonight when I came back one of my friends had posted a link about how the attitude and actions toward daughters can determine their future relationships. The blog is called Faith Promise if you want to read the full excerpt and more of the blog posts.

The part that really jumped out at me was how she mentions how much doing these things affect the daughter's future in future relationships.

Affirm Her
She looks to you for affirmation, encouragement, & guidance.  As she grows through puberty (ESPECIALLY, as she grows through puberty), she needs your voice reminding her that she is beautiful, valuable and worthy of love.  If she can learn to believe you, then she’ll believe her future husband when he tells her the same things.

Set the Standard
Be the husband you want her to have one day.  Enough said.  Is it difficult?  Yes.  Does it mean sacrifice?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  I watch my husband daily making changes to be a better husband and dad.  He’s amazing.  He demonstrates for our daughter the kind of man he wants her to marry one day.

Talk About the Standard
Talk about the future.  As you “Imagine the End” and think about the man you hope she marries… talk about it!  Let her know what you expect.  Set the bar.  She’ll do everything she can to jump over it.

Soooo, here's the irony. I am standing at my father's grave site before I even knew this post was being sent out and I am openly saying to a deceased father, spirit, or whatever you believe these things (Seriously I was) standing at his grave looking at this plate, talking to my father

(The shadow is his Vietnam Vet Marker) He died when I was 10 years old


"Daddy, I miss you so much. I long for you as I have longed for years to have a father in my life. It's not fair other girls had dad's who helped them grow. Who taught them what boys to look out for and what boys were ok. A father who was there not only to guide, but to protect his daughter and glare at the boy picking up his daughter while he cleaned his gun.  I never had brothers or a dad to tease me pick on me and toughen me up. I had to learn it through life and hard knocks and trials. I have had to survive even before you died, mom leaving, her cancer, molestation, and then just when I felt like I was safe again, you died. It's not fair. I needed that. I needed that father figure in my life. L (stepfather) was there but daddy you know it wasn't the same. He was so worried about stepping on mom's toes he was my friend not a father. I needed you. I needed my dad. My military, stern, will kick the shit out of you if you hurt my daughter, dad! I needed to know I was ok when the boys didn't want me in high school, I needed to hear I am lovely and wonderful and unique from YOU, not from others in my life. I needed your love and example. I needed to know what kind of man to look for and what kind of man DID deserve a girl like me. It hurts my heart right now to go through this pain and this agony knowing that if I had that, I would be equipped with the tools I need now. I would have had a dad saying "Sorry sweetie but sometimes we don't always get what we want." I needed my father and now and through the years, I felt the loss deeply of not having you near. Please daddy, please be with me now. Please watch over and protect me and please work with Heavely Father to bring me peac to my heart...because I need it as desperately as I have always needed you. I love you." 

Then I kissed my hand, touched his stone, and walked away...

 I sit in the car and I start singing the song Father's Eyes. 

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl
And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world
But thats alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray
When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say

She's got her father's eyes
Her father's eyes
Eyes that find the good in things
When good is not around
Eyes that find the source of help, when help just can't be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowing what you're going through, and feelin' it the same


Just like my father's eyes
my father's eyes
my father's eyes
Just like my father's eyes

On that day when we will pay for all the deeds we've done
Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone
And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me
More than anything I know, I want your words to be

She had her father's eyes, her father's eyes
eyes that found the good in things when good was not around
eyes that found the source of help when help would not be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowin' what you're goin' through and feelin it the same


Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
Just like my father's eyes,
My father's eyes,
My father's eyes
 
My father was a loved and revered man.Everyone loved him. There were so many people at his funeral and they even closed school that day. My friends were there, family I had not seen in years and townspeople who would say "Hi Mr. Hunter" and tip their brim hat to him. He left a cherished memory. I long to be like my real father as much as I long to be like my Heavenly Father. Because of this is why I ever made When I Leave video montage in the first place. What astounds me how many people have viewed this video. 
 
4,601 views today


I know what I have overcome in life and I know who I am and what type of person I am. I know in my heart, I AM those things. I know I AM that person. The desire to continue to be like that will not change because my heart is broken. I am making a difference. Through Facebook, through my smile, through my love and mostly perhaps...through my compassion. I have been there. I have endured. I empathize.
 
I balled to my sister's today telling them about this convo I had with my dead father and crying in pain that I don't have the tools to deal with this. My sisters say "You have all the tools because of OTHER things in your life. Loss of a job, contracts that chose others, divorces, and many other things." I nod and whimper. I see what they are saying. It IS starting to sink  in. They tell me all the wonderful ways I have overcome and how strong I really am and how I will overcome this too. How I make a difference in others life and how a great part of that is because the pains I go through.  
 
I used to wonder. I don't' wonder anymore. When I Leave, I will leave a fragrance behind. I will leave a lasting memory. I am a good person. I have a tender heart and I see the good in people.
 
Exactly what the song says
eyes that found the good in things when good was not around
eyes that found the source of help when help would not be found
Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain
Knowin' what you're goin' through and feelin it the same
 
I haven't ever felt this pain or this heartache so deeply. I today realize after having a chance to talk with J that I have inflicted this type of pain on him and possibly on others. The thought of that does NOT comfort me, instead it creates a harder pain knowing I have ever made someone feels this bad. Knowing that I personally have inflicted this much sorrow, misery or loneliness on someone else. I have been given the gift of empathy. I have many gifts and that is not one easy to bear. But in this moment, in this trial, now I know. Heavenly father has recently bestowed upon me the gift of knowledge to learn why I run away. The gift of understanding to see effort on my part and others. The gift of love. To feel a love so deep, so strong, so lovely and so true that when taken from me, I feel as though I cannot breathe air and without the love of this man, I feel more consumed than when I am with him. No person can make you whole. You have to make you whole. I see that now too. Lastly, God has given me the gift of heartache, grief and loss. Once again but in a different way. We must taste the bitter, to know of the sweet. 

My pain right now feels unbearable. In my mind, I know the answers. I know the truth. But my heart aches and years so deeply for this man. J said it best today when mentions in convo how it hurts him to see me "Pining" for him because he thinks I can do better. 

  • An overpowering longing for something/someone especially when two lovers are apart.
  • Pining is a unbearable longing for a unreachable loved one. Symptoms included frequent crying.Denial has also been noticed in patients recently.
  • An irresistible yearning
  • a strong wish for something
 I think the last one to be the most true. I wish for us. I wish for him to come back to me. I wish for another chance. I wish she is not what he wants. I wish he is still so in love with me, he can't fall IN love with her. I wish she gets so irritated at  he and I still talking she gives him an ultimatum or walks away. I wish him happiness in his life, just not with her. :) He thinks I would feel the same with someone else, but I really don't think so. There is someone else I thought he was with before I knew it was her and if he had said THAT girls name, I actually was fine. Ok, more fine than THIS girl.  This girl is not like being on the 5th or 6th date. They have history so it is like being on the 14,000th date. Your relationship is different that far in. No I don't wish it was her. But I do with the best for him. I wish for he and I to remain friends. But I wish for more than even just that. But all the wishing and pining is not going to be him back to me. HE said tonight he really DOES want me to move on. I wish he didn't. :( I wish my pain would stop hurting and I wish for peace in my heart.

After J and I talked I begin to drive home,  I tune on Life 107.1 a christian station here and the song is Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. I begun to cry to where I have to stop the car. I didn't even make it 10 feet from where I was parked before.

 
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see

and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see


Chorus:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming


so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning


My friend, you know how this all ends

and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,

all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah


Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,

that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light

press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning 
 
No, I don't wonder.  I know. Deep down. I know. 
I was bestowed this gift and should look at it as a blessing.
I just have to remember and keep telling myself..
I do have my Father's Eyes
I will leave a memory
When I Leave
and all of this is Just the Dark
Before the Morning...