Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Shelf Apple

In the world I live in, most things in my life make me feel like I am living my dream.

Most things.

I am trying to build a fashion business.
I am sewing non stop and creating hair pieces left and right.
I model from time to time.
This part of life I love.
It is a struggle however financially and that is where I think part of my frustration comes from.
My man is helping me financially and I think it is putting a strain on our relationship.

But that is not the only thing interfering.

I feel depressed when it comes to our relationship. I am not fully happy. I feel like he focuses too much on video games and work and I am reliving a nightmare of a life that I lived with my ex boyfriend and most especially my ex husband. I think he feels like I SHOULD be happy because I have him and he is helping me. But to me there is more to life than money. I thought I was more to him than work and video games, but I am beginning to wonder.

My man did all he could to have me in his life and kept welcoming me back and kept begging me to be in his life. But here I am and have been for two SOLID years now and I feel like the "rut" has settled in and he has taken for granted the amazing and wonderful person I am. I don't mean that to be boastful, but I know who I am and what type of woman I am. He knows it too if he thought back to how hard her fought to have me in his life. It feels like a the same old story, just a different book cover. Everyone thinks I am so great and ooh ahh how they want me in their life. But then once they have me, it is like they caught a great fish and deicded to tack it to a wall like a trophy. Hell I would even be glad if I was a Trophy Girlfriend but you have to be willing to show off your trophy once in awhile and well, since he never wants to do anything or go anywhere or be social, that never happens.

Yet instead he lives in a world of games and work.

Supposedly he "de-stresses" this way. I am sorry but when I am begging for attention and I HAVE told him how I feel over and over again I begin to wonder if I am being taken for granted and he has lacked the ability to see me in front of him anymore. I have cried tears begging him to put me first and to be with me. Why am I not the "de-stresser"? I am getting tired of the tears and tired of his M.O. Tired of having to sound like a broken record so little by little I say nothing. Then I remember when I said "nothing" before and how NOT well that worked out for me in my past life.

I was looking at this piece of art today about how Girls are Like Apples on a Tree.

A quote from Pete Wentz

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree...”

If the boy climbs the tree sure that is great, but I have realized in my "disney-esque" beliefs as my friends call it, that there is a realization with Disney Princesses too. Life after the "Happy Ending" is what real life is about. At least those ladies got married. Not to liken myself to a cow, but that old addage of "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" seems to be in my mind, but the only part I feel lately like a cow is more like an OX having to take care and tend to everything without even so much as a shiny shoe.

I got to thinking, a lot of good it does though to go through all the effort, to go through a bunch of broken ladders, go up the ladder, climb to get the best apple and leave it on a shelf. Wouldn't that apple begin to sour and wilt away? It wouldn't be a good apple after awhile. How would it become a great apple again if this happened?

I am still trying to figure that out. But I know for now... I feel like the apple got picked and now, since the boy got the apple, he hasn't really seen how shiny and wonderful it really is since he put it on the shelf.

~Trisha Trixie

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