Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Trixie Tuesday Thoughts: The Way it Was to The Way It Is

I realized I haven't been writing on here as much but in the insurgence of seeing my dearest pal Kat face her blog, as she put it, it made me think how I too am ready to put it back out there. I have been quiet on here not for anyone or because someone asked me to. I have been absent because my life has been like a tornado and I in the eye of a beautiful storm. It may be chaos and whirlwhinds around me, but for the most part I love it.

Going after my dreams this year has been a lovely yet daunting challenge. Though it started on the modeling side of thing, merged into my fashions business and took a wild turn into my Apron and Accessories line, as the year is winding down I am seeing things for how they really are in all aspects of life, business and personal. Depending on which side of the looking glass you are, determines whether you find this good or bad.

I was doing fine financially while exploring my dream and using the back up money to help me survive. Then the money ran out. Blammo! The business has been up and down and my tax guy told me this year I need to determine if I am making enough profit in the business to still call it a Schedule C or is this a "hobby". YUCK. How do I loathe thee, let me count the ways. I hate the word hobby because it does not instil that this is my life force, my world. It says, to me, I don't have the guts to pursue my dream 100%. Maybe that is something I need to overcome, I don't know, but it bothers me to hear that word.

When I met with StartUpCityDSM they told me something I even recently heard on Shark Tank, you are not fully committed unless you are giving it 100% because you are not the only person with this idea and someone else is working 24/7 to pursue their dream and if you are not, then you are second in line. oooo that burns me inside to hear that like I said, perhaps it is just something I need to get over. Maybe I need to go on Shark Tank or Project runway or Fashion Star or etc. I don't know, but I know I need to take a different leap right now and I am jsut not sure what.

The other issue is that I am feeling a personal strain on my relationship with my man. I was reading old emails last night and came across this one where he is berating the past men in my life about how they "took care of me" so to speak or helped or NOT helped actually. The irony of finding this post is that he lately is not happy about all that goes into helping me financially.

"I'm mad, but I'm not mad at you.  I'm mad at HIM for not taking care of you.  You would be so much more stable $ wise, and you would have less stress if he would have done his job the last three years.  It makes me mad to think how he harmed you.  Not intentionally harmed you, but harmed you by not caring.
With [YOUR EX HUSBAND] at least it sounded like he wanted to make you happy and take care of you.  He failed miserably... but he -wanted- to.  Which is more than i can say for HIM.

How many stressful events in the last three years would not have happened if HE took care of you like he should have?  He left you to care for yourself until he had no other choice but to do the  bare minimum, and  "Well i -guess- you can live here," he said.  How many car, job, health, money issues would you not have had to deal with if he had taken responsibility?  Not everyone can do everything, and that is understandable, but i don't think making sacrifices for the person you love is too much to ask.  What was he thinking when he thought it would be ok to keep you on a shelf and ignore the consequences.  I hope to god i am good for you and not harmful.  I would be deeply distressed if i failed in my job as leader of the household.  How can someone not even take note of failing to meet your basic needs.  That is...just childish."

Yet, here we are, two years later and he is grumbling and feeling the strain himself, balking and harping about my finances. I can't help I have IRS issues my ex-husband left me. I also can't help I have past CS debt, also because the Ex refused to allow me to work, which in turn left me with a HUGE debt. And I also can't help it if I have school debts which again, yep you guessed it, are a result of the ex husband. I am not trying to blame anyone and I DO take responsibility in allowing it to happen in the first place and
 I have since tried to do this on my own and failed. He didn't even initially offer he just started taking care of them. I am ever grateful, I am. But isn't he the one who said here it is his responsibility? As well as mine?

Now, in addition to this issue, we don't go out anymore. He never wants to enjoy the places we used to. He isn't the person he used to be. He has retorted back into his little hole of video games and seclusion. I feel very taken for granted in the manner of "I have you now, why do anything else to keep you"

This bothers me on such a level I can't even describe! I am at a loss. I have mentioned the lack of attention. I have discussed in tears and agony how I feel like things have changed. All I get is excuses and things I was fearful of with our age difference. Work is most prevalent to him. I however do not or haven not EVER felt that way. I sincerely doubt if on a death bed anyone ever really said "I wish I would have worked more" or once the gal is gone said "I wish I would have played more video games and never went out with her."

No I think it is more like the Song When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars

A whole list of "I should of's "...

I want the Way it Was to be The Way it Is. Is that really too much to ask?

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