Recoding of Heart-Filled Seminars 2022: Becoming Your Best Self

Fiat 500 CC Car Conversion

 

The Fiat didn’t start out with all the bells and whistles on it. I decided to do what I could with what I had. Buying a trailer was not an option as the costs were too high since the pandemic had started letting up the supply and demand for a trailer were too high. RVs were out of the price range and even though I did find a Little Guy Trailer that MAYBE the Fiat could tow, it was so close in tow weight, I didn’t want to take the chance. I looked up on Reddit conversions for camping and found one gal who converted her Fiat but taking out the seats but I didn’t want to do that in case I needed them. 

When I first started out I was heading off to go see my mother who we would be using her RV so I didn’t think too much about needed a bed or having space in the back. I packed the car full of things I was going to be giving my mother like books I had borrowed or clothes I felt I no longer needed or wanted. On the way back home however from the first leg of the trip I realized I couldn’t make it all the way back to Colorado and called a KOA campground and luckily was able to get a cabin. I didn’t have a tent yet or think of those things until this happened. Then when I got in the cabin I realized I had no blankets either so I ended up using every coat and shawl I had to cover up. The dude didn’t mind the cabin and in fact, wanted to explore but he still wasn’t quite leash trained as of yet. He loved the car, but at a KOA there were many dogs and I really didn’t want him to get eaten.

Once I got home for the short week before I left again I realized there were a few things I needed to order from Amazon and I needed to figure something else out for traveling in the next few months.

I maneuvered things here or there and kept manifesting that a small bed would show up. Oddly (not odd if you know me as I am known as a Miracle Manifestor) someone in our apartment was getting rid of a trifold toddler bed. I figured if I cut one section of it off it might fit my Fiat and lo and behold it did.

I had been given a gift to get a rack and cargo hold up top and with the budget I had, I was able to get an awning as well added to the rack so I could fully use it for camping.

I used my Bitrefill to get an REI gift card so I could buy a tent and other small items I would need for camping.

Now I felt ready to go for the next two months, which is how long I planned to be gone on the next section of the trip.

Mister Dude, aka The Dude from The Big Lebowski, often known as the Lebowskitty :)

 

I wasn’t about to go anywhere for a long amount of time without Mister Dude. He loves car rides and has traveled with me before when I used to do contract work between Omaha and Des Moines. I got as many comforts for him as possible and made sure he was safe so I didn’t lose him. I bought him a booster seat, a harness, and a leash and we even did leash training before we left. I had his kitty litter in a pan in the passenger side of the back seat so he could go potty whenever he needed to. I had portable food and water trays for him and of course many treats. In the first part of my trip, I failed to buy a portable kitty litter and a cat tent for when we were outside, so that came later. After dumping nearly half the cat litter in the car is when I realized I needed something I could leave in the car and something I could transport. I don’t think every cat is a great traveler and it takes time. I would never have taken Dude on his trip if I didn’t already know he could handle it or enjoy it. As I said, he had traveled with me before I knew how much he loved riding in the car. The funny thing, is as soon as we hit the road he purred so loud I couldn’t even hear the radio. He was definitely a happy Cat Camper!

I will share more about Mister Dude along the way and all his little antics but I want to share my story for now...

Why The Wanderlust Cancer Journey?

 

Memorial weekend in the year 2021 I made a hard decision os top all my treatments. After having done 26 rounds of chemo total, suffered through nine surgeries since my first cancer in 2016, been in and out of ER more times than I could count for a series of side effects, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I have not given up or changed direction. I have tried the conventional and non-conventional treatments and each time they always are surprised I am still here. People that I know that had lesser cancer stages than me are no longer here in this world because they solely followed the doctor and conventional medicine. I don’t want to be those statistics. I want better for myself, my husband, my children, and my family. I will still be considering alternative treatments and am trying many new things but the biggest thing I wanted to do was travel. I want to live. I want to explore. I want out of the life of always living in a box (my house) driving in a box (my car) or working in a box (jobs in cubicles) and I wanted to live.

The most important thing to me, in the beginning, is living this year and whatever years I have left on my terms. I want to live my best life. I want to see my family and friends and let them know how much they mean to me. Little did I know that I would also be hearing how much I meant to them and how I impacted their life. 

I had originally planned to see my mother in September/October of this year but after making this decision I felt that the very first person one should see after making a choice such as this to stop treatment, was my mother.

I called her up and told her my decision. I told her I wanted to come to see her. We made plans to go to the Faywood Hot Springs that we had talked about for years. This time, we finally were going to do it. Even though I had just seen her in May in Santa Fe, New Mexico, I still felt based on my decision, I needed to spend time with my mother.

Day 1 The Wanderlust Cancer Journey

Let me start by saying I had no expectations for this day only desires and hopes wishes for how the day may go but aside from that I just wanted to let the day happen as it happened ...

I woke too honey pants cuddling with me and sharing some morning time. We got up and had breakfast and then once I got ready we started packing the car. 

 I didn't really have much for the morning time just one of my silly frappuccino drinks from Starbucks that everyone teases me isn't coffee but it's enough of a jolt for me and I like the taste because it reminds me of chocolate however I don't like chocolate which is silly that I like the flavor of these coffees. 

I gave Dixie a heads up when left off was and she came over while I was packing the car and HP was bringing items down to me. 

HP went up to get the last of the items so Dixie and I set our farewells and hugged and like steps that we are started sniffling and she said that she better go before we both start crying.

I pulled out of the garage and ask Ben to take a look at all my lights and of course my left headlamp was out right before I was ready to leave. So I called Colorado Tire and Service and ask them if they could fix my headlamp right away so I could get on the road. They worked it out with me so I said my goodbyes to HP hugging him and kissing him extras even though I hugged and kissed him upstairs before we started packing I feel like when you're heading out on a trip on the road and you never know what's going to happen you can never have too many hugs and kisses.

Dude and I expected to leave from there so we both went and I went to the Colorado Tire and Service. When I got there I put dude in his new little backpack that I bought him and he did so well but I did remember to give him a little Rescue remedy for pets before I left though I think he almost would have enjoyed the trip more had I not but I'll get to that later.

Like a champ they fixed my headlamp right away and they did it out front because I had my car so packed I asked them not to move the seat and the guy was over 6 ft so he said if it's okay with you I'll just fix it out front which I thought was funny and hilarious but totally fine.

Then as we were going on the road I remembered I had one drop off to whole foods so I would let HP know and head on my way but he threw me for a loop when he told me that I had two packages one from Steven and Ann and one from Wendy so I told him I would swing back by since I was going to be nearly right in that area and it was a good thing I did I was able to pick up the packages but moreover I was able to reshift some of my items and realize that the basket I had in the back was not going to work for this trip so I gave it to HP and ran up to go potty while he watched dude in the car and then I gave HP more hugs and kisses and then left.

I went to my friend's house next and joined her on her patio with my kitty cat well she gave me an amazing breakfast burrito and some orange juice and we talked and chatted then she shared with me some basil and cilantro and then gave me a little gift from her mother and herself which was a crocheted headband and a beautiful mala necklace that was so charged with love it made me cry.

I then proceeded on the road to Fairplay and unfortunately hit a great deal of traffic with it being a Saturday a beautiful day everyone on the road and then someone decided they had to move a whole house which of course slows the road when it's only one lane going down a mountain and up a mountain.

When I got here my friend Beth was with her neighbor Sherry and having lunch once I got dude situated with his kitty litter food and water I sat down and had lunch with them once Sherry left I finished unpacking.

Once I had most everything upstairs I started hunting in the vinyls for what records I would like to play 

 So far it's been a fun day and evening just relaxing listening to music and getting a little high enjoying life feeling at peace and totally chilling I went outside missed the sunset but got to look at the stars and see all the beauty All around Me from morning until night it was a good day to have a good day

Subscribe into my YouTube to follow my Vlogs for each day

https://youtu.be/8ecSxNeFBK8

Since the day I made the decision to stop treatment

 Since the day I made the decision to stop treatment, butterflies fill my tummy with happiness, the air seems cleaner and crisper, my heart dances inside my chest and my eyes and ears have begun to hear and see life differently as though it is thru a different lens. 

I have been sitting for a new puppy Koby in my Petsitting biz.

Life seems fuller.

Love is more intense.

Life is peaceful.

Everything is better.

This was the best decision I have made in my life in years.

I am so damn happy and so much at peace.

Support through Patreon for my Wanderlust Cancer Journey

Come follow along my journey of living my wanderlust and wandering this great big world! Instead of conventional cancer treatment for my Stage4 Metastized Colorectal Cancer, I am hitting the open road. It is time to Live my Best Life. It is time for me. It is time to Live Life on My Terms. It is time...

It's gonna be a wild ride!

​If you desire I would thankfully welcome contributions to this journey, so I can eat, get gas for my car, have small amenities, etc. Anything helps. I have no income and currently do not qualify for SSDI. Instead of GoFundME, I am using my Patreon. If you do choose to donate, you can choose any amount (or the one assigned)  and I thank you for any offer. Many blessings to you. 

Choose to support monthly

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A Mindful Cancer Journey: Live is Meant to Be Lived...

This is my 3rd metastasis with Colorectal Cancer. I am fully now Stage IV Advanced Metastisized Colorectal Cancer. While I am well now, no matter what I do with current medical practices I will never really "get cured", so to speak. This has thus prompted my decision to end all regular conventional treatment. I find it to be the most mindful decision I can make. To be me. Unapologetically me. Live life on my terms. I find it to be the most mindful thing I can do. Radical Self Love. I am enough. I will be enough. Whatever is to happen is to happen. I will be trying alternatives but in reality, none of us ever know when our time is up. There is no magical device that we can plug into that gives us the exact date. Would we really want to know anyway? Some might say yes. Others would say no. 

Now it is my time to Just Be. Just be me. Just Live. Just live my life. Now is my time to be the most mindful I can be. From my course through Palouse Mindfulness, I learned and adapted so many tools to my cancer battles. RAIN is my favorite. STOP is another one. HALT is the other. These are tools to help me maneuver these rough waters of my life. What he does is so important to the world. I feel that far too often the "so-called gurus" are not really gurus if they always have their hand out asking for the almighty dollar if you want the information that will really help you in life. He is like me, he offers it freely. In our IT house, we call that "Open Source Mindfulness." Open to all. 

I have shared my teachings with others through Toastmasters and other speeches I have given since I took and graduated from the course. It has always been well received. Whether others said they came to Palouse Teachings because of my sharing, I do not know nor really care, but I hope they have. I hope others recognize how powerful and wonderful it is to have this information and I hope they share it with others as well. I pray they become the Ripples for Palouse mindfulness and ripple through their lives to others. Allow themself to be the butterfly to carry the message on their wings and create the Butterfly Effect. 

I am becoming my own butterfly. I am working only second book as well as plan to document my journey. I am hitting the open road in my Tiny Fiat that I have converted to a Tiny Camper. My cat and I are hitting the open road. I am now only speaking my truth but the truth of my journey so that others may not only participate in my journey but hopefully gain insights from my learnings as I have gained from you.

If you choose to follow along, Subscribe here. Follow here. Many have asked me to document my journey and I already had that thought in mind. When thinking about where to do that, I could think of no better place than right here in the blog that started way back in 2005. This is my life. This is my life's work. My life's thoughts. My life's journey. 

There is no sense in creating a separate blog anymore. This is my life. Here on this blog. When I am gone, this will tell of my thoughts. This will tell of my life (at least since 2005). I don't mean to say that to sound morbid, merely truthful.  If you want to learn of me, read here. This blog could be a nice memoir of my life if someone wanted to compile it into a book. I give you permission to do so. Now or later. 

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life. Maybe it is my last chapter, maybe I have many more to come. Who knows. Not I said the little red hen. :) 

Let's turn the page together and start this new chapter.

Let's live our best lives together.

Life is meant to be lived, not just endured.

Peace be unto you and your soul.

With all my love,

Xoxo Trisha Trixie

Trixie Hunter-Merrill

Faith-Based Transformation Specialist™, EmpowerMentor™, The Sprinkler of Fabulousness™

Be a Starfish Saver. Make a Difference. Be a Good Human. Inspire the World. Leave a Legacy of Love

Media Packet/Bio:  

https://about.me/trishatrixie

www.trishatrixie.com

https://twitter.com/TrishaTrixie

https://www.linkedin.com/in/trishatrixie

Frequency

 I've been told before that after I leave a room or leave talking with someone that they feel exhausted or worn out after being in my presence.

As a teen and young adult, I was always told I was "too much" and after a while, it got to me. 

I'm not "too much", I am just me. 

Now that I am older and wiser and have connections with mystics and healers and intuitive that what others described as too much is really that I vibrate at such a high frequency, it is a lot to take in. thus making one feel tired or exhausted.

I used to try to squash that person down and not be me.

Then I started being authentic.

Now I am ready to be unapologetically me.

I have Aspergers, I have a version of Bi-polar called Cyclothymia and I am pretty sure I have ADHD but never have been diagnosed.

What is all that?

Labels.

Societal Labels are all it is really. It is others' way of dealing with me. However, what I have found is that not everyone can handle unique people like me.

I have been watching the show "A-Typical" lately and I laugh so hard it hurts sometimes because it is SO damn relatable and plus funny. I relate so much with the main character and I also am able to see things from my siblings' side for once. I am a lot. Growing up I was a lot. 

I was also known as a miracle baby because my mom had experimental chemo and radiation and the doctors wanted to abort me. It was also 3 years after they told my mother she would never have another baby. Then I came along. She asked for a sign so clear a blind man could see it. A locker trunk of clothes showed up at her door full of girls clothes (otherwise she would not have even known it was a girl)

Even early on I had bad shit happen around me.

AT 3 a rake fell o my head and I had to get stitches. (Long story for another day).

At 5 I fell on the only patch of concrete we had on the farm and busted my chin open.

Around 9/10 I tripped over an old metal coat rack and it fell and cracked my head open.

Let me tell you. Life has not been easy these 50 years. Like. AT ALL.

But that is not to say that I didn't have good things. I had many good things in my life. Sometimes I do wonder if the good really DOES outweigh the bad or not?

What I see in the show is when you have a child that has special needs in any way, it can take over the whole family. The sibling in the show often gets the brunt of everything. She tries to talk and the parents are worried about Sam, the autistic teen instead. The sibling gets completely overlooked until the new boyfriend stands up and reminds them they had more than one child.

Like much of my recent life and recent past month, I have really been hyper-aware and knowledge is just downloading so fast I can't get it back out fast enough for others.

I think I have always vibrated at a high frequency. 

I think the is a connective reason.

.

.

.

I chose to be here. I wanted this life. I knew this life would teach me what I needed to further ascend.

I know we all have a purpose.

I am living my purpose (or at least the one I think is most correct)

The more I learn and evolve I think my vibration and frequency just get stronger and that is why people leave your life during times like this and only the ones who were meant to end up staying.

Because the others can't handle the vibrancy.

It all makes sense now.

I am not "too much"

my vibration is just too strong for some to handle.

I am unique.

That uniqueness has allowed me to live a life with actually a lot of freedom to explore my world, careers, interests, and so on.

So yes I know a lot about a lot. I am not being egotistical like a "know it all" because I don't know it all, but I do know alot. I have lived a lot. I have loved a lot.

It has been said I am "not like any other woman I have ever met" sometimes I have been told I am "not like any other PERSON they have ever met."

They would be right.

My frequency is not right for your ears.

Perhaps I am for another land or another timeline or perhaps

you need to reset your frequency :)

XO Trixie

7 Calls

 7 calls later...

I finally give in.

I selfishly am sad because I just went through calling 7 different people and none picked up.

I say "selfishly" because while I know and realize they have their own lives, I want them to answer because I am having a "moment" and needed someone to talk to for just five minutes.

I even called my therapist and HE didn't even answer.

Tomorrow I find out my results of what the doctors desire me to do.

Are we doing chemo, radiation, surgery? One or all? Which order?

I must be anxious.

Also, I got my first Covid Vaccine Saturday, Mar 20th, and my head hurts but my arm feels like it is going to fall off it hurts so much.

Then Hunepants and I were struggling to converse today. That was odd.

IS the moon off or something? Did somebody move the moon?

I really wanted to talk to one of those people. The hard part is I can't share that on social media because then people say "Why didn't you call me?"

Well, I realized something. 

I reach out to specific people because I am looking for someone to just let me be and let me feel what I want but to be there with me, to understand. Not pity, not diatribes of "You got this" bullshit, or "Hang in there"

Have ya all thought, maybe I don't want to hang in there? Geesh I'm tired.

My body has been through a lot.

I'm not in the mood for pep talks. I can do that on my own.

Sometimes I just need the right person, the right mix of "I am holding space for you" and "My heart goes out to you"

Sigh.

IT really sucks when people don't answer when you need them. :(

The Cancer is Back 2021

Yes, you read that title right. 3rd time, cancer has now metastasized down towards my rectal area. I am now considered Stage 4 Metastitzed Colorectal Cancer and will have to take maintenance medication for the rest of my life or I will cease to exist.

That is a lot to take in.

I just found out Friday and today is Monday.

I have been answering calls, texts, emails since I shared the news.

All I have been through and fought for us to make sure I am ok because I have been in so much pain and no one seemed to want to listen until now, is a lot.

I just had hernia surgery and we waited eight weeks instead of four for me to get treatment and the mass doubled. What that tells us is that we can't put off treatments. With that, we are moving up my treatments to every 3 weeks.

I also have a bulging disc in that same general region.

That has been the hardest through this...fighting doctors, trying to get people to listen to me.

Sometimes, it is people who say they are my friends and argue with me. People tell me "If you are looking for monsters, you will find them." I want to scream and yell at them. I want to ask,

"So I just live in miserable pain and not try to find answers?"

It makes me crazy.

I know since Facebook has grown I have not written on here as much but I feel it is important to try to keep sharing my journey on here because part of my leaving a legacy of love is the ability to help others. If this blog in any way can help another, I am all for it.

I don't know what this means for me in the coming months, but we have recently been trying to travel abroad more or even live abroad and this does change that somewhat. We still will travel but I need to be close to home more.

We are going to look at home in Colorado and find someplace that is near to RMCC, Rocky Mountain Cancer Centers as much as possible within our price range. 

We are still going to travel but maybe even sooner.

I am going to see friends and family, I am going to travel.

I refuse to let Cancer define me or rule my life.

I refuse to let others rule my life.

I refuse to be in this pain.

Most of all I reuse to lie down and die.

I am still vibrant in MANY other ways and I still have a legacy of love to leave! <3

XOXO Trisha Trixie

That One Perfect Star

I've been watching Zack and Mia and he just started telling a story about his sister who put stars all over the room to Brighton him up and then he ended up moving from that room but there was one perfect star that was large and bright and that's the star that they ended up leaving in the room

the Stars still waits in the room above the bed to comfort the next person who needs it 

Thats what we can do for each other

Maybe the star shines to say"you're not the first person to go through this and you probably won't be the last, I'm here for you.

Maybe it  shines to say there's still time for you to shine

If cancer takes us out of this world there's still one part of us left... And that's the part that glows.

 Zac summed up my Legacy of Love, right there . Thank you Zac.

As for me, I know, I have left so many stars all over, I'll be glowing in people's hearts for years to come. 

Go ahead Cancer!! You do your bidding and take your best swing because no matter if you hit or miss, I plan to love this earth so hard, in whatever time I have left, that my legacy of love will never stop glowing!

http://adgb.blogspot.com/2021/02/that-one-perfect-star.html!

Trisha Trixie ❤️

The Ache of Life

The ache of Life haunts me with pains of every type.

since the beginning of my life I am often told that before I was even born I was a survivor and while I used to look at that and think how proud I was because of that fact.

Now look back and I think 

"God I couldn't even get a fucking break in the womb!!"

Cancer News: Resiliency Prevails

The time between when you get your scan and when you get your results are the hardest days to remain calm and relaxed... to live life as you normally would to act and be as you normally are... you have scanxiety... you don't know what to do because there's nothing you can do.

No one will give you news and no one will call you so you don't know... you sit waiting... then it's the day you go to the oncologist they check your temperature, ask you a few questions and you sit in a waiting room, then you go get lab test results. 

Today the blood pressure was 154. The lab nurse, who's a friend says "Good luck with your results try to relax get your blood pressure down."  They take me and walk me into the room. We make jokes and she leaves I tell her,"  I love you, have a good day" and she says "I love you too." Many would think this exchange might be odd but you get to know these nurses and being that I've had cancer twice I sadly have got to know them very well. I wait in the office with bated breath for a doctor, resident, or nurse practitioner to come into the room. A new resident comes in, his very first day, poor boy and he has me, the girl who questions everything, who's the difficult patient, who's the rare case, and the 1%. 

We go around talking about symptoms, feelings, blood pressure, pain level. We talk about my elevated liver enzymes and finally, I can't wait anymore for him to tell me so I asked him the results of the CAT scan. He informs me as calmly as he can that there was a nodule and in 3 months it has grown.

What breath I had has all escaped from me now.

I  take as big of breath as I can to try and not lose control. I hear him say the growth and while I realize .9 cm to 1 cm is not a large amount of growth, it still is growing and that means they cannot give me no evidence of disease diagnosis today.  While it doesn't say that I do have true evidence of disease it also isn't comforting on the other side, either. 

He goes out and talks to the oncologist.  I hear them outside the door reiterating things that I've told him but in a more dignified clear-cut unified form. The oncologist comes into the office. He has some smile as I can see in his eyes and he can tell my feeling and apprehension we discuss options of a  pet scans in 6 weeks, he wants to do 8, I want to do sooner. I finally push and push until he gives in so I can tell he's not happy with the decision.  I try to iron it out with him and he agrees it's okay we'll do it in 6 weeks.

Partially I want it that soon because I know that this year that pet scan will be taken care of on my insurance because we have already met ours out of pocket. I want one on the books because I know my out-of-pocket is met and we will have to pay for the next one at the beginning of next year. We will hear later about the elevated liver enzymes and make some decisions.

I keep asking more and more questions, though he's already answered them, I don't know why.

Perhaps I was waiting for a different answer though in my mind I know he will say the same things. He tells me once again the nodule is small there's no surgeon that will remove it because it's too small and the surgeon would be concerned about taking more so it's a waiting game.

Not what you want to hear is that a nodule needs to grow more before they can remove it. Not what you want to hear is that we will wait longer. 

Logically, to me, it seems like "GET THIS OUT OF MY BODY! LET'S TAKE CARE OF THIS!"

I understand logically his words that he says though I am looking straight at him, I feel like he is talking in a tunnel...

"There would be no further action it's just something to watch."

Again not things you want to hear.

We agree to a 6-week PET scan and he tells me he will allow me treatment today but I need to keep my blood pressure down cuz if it's 170 he cannot give me treatment. Today Bp was 154.  I hear his words and I know that partially my blood pressure is high because of the scanxiety but also because I have been in a great deal amount of pain for other reasons. 

 I told my husband yesterday I was afraid of the pain I was having because it felt very similar to the last time I had cancer and now here I sit carrying those words to be affirmed.

I post my picture on Facebook with my thumbs down and my mask on and share the news with others.

I am a social being and I need to reach out and have that support from my friends where others would keep silent. I know I need to share. 

It's not about wanting the spotlight it's about needing that love and reassurance from friends that this will be okay.

We complete the appointment and I go find my chair in the infusion room.

I cry as the nurse walks up to me to get ready for treatment as I retell the story of what I was just told.

She is as comforting as she can be and hands me tissues. There's not much more that she can do. I could never be a nurse I would want to hug everyone and I would cry with them.

The treatment is prepared and I take my time during my half-hour plus 45 minutes of saline. As soon as my treatment is done I get up and walk out and come to the car.

My heart starts beating faster and my nose starts dripping through my mask.  I can feel myself getting upset again and I try not to get worked up. I step into the car and as I turn it on the radio station is on a Christian station the song on is "It's going to be okay" by Tasha something. I have never heard it before today. 

Immediately I burst into tears.

I cry heavy heaving sobs barely able to catch my breath... whispering...

"This is not fair, this is not fair, this is not fair..."

I cry the duration of the song and more...I try and hear the words...

"Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok"

I feel divinely inspired...My Heavenly Father is speaking to me through this music...He is trying to comfort me, he is trying to tell me, "IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY"

I cry again thinking about what that means. His world is not our world. Okay to him is not the same as okay to us. It will be okay, but in what way? 

I slowly stop crying.

My breaths become normal again.

I dry my tears and share these thoughts with you via talk to text so I can edit it later as I am now.

This is out of my hands.

I have to dust myself off, metaphorically speaking, pull up my boots straps and keep moving. 

Life will not stop moving.

I remind myself that 

"We are spiritual beings having an earthly experience" 

and I pull out of the drive and carry on for now.

My resiliency prevails for another moment, for another day, for now. <3

"Verse 1:

My heart is breaking In a way I never thought it could My mind is racing With the question, "are you still good?" Pre-Chorus: Can you make something From the wreckage? Would you take this heart And make it whole again? Chorus: Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok" Verse 2: I’ve blamed myself And if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed you too But You would not forsake me ‘Cause only good things come from You Bridge: From beginning to the end You’re so close You have never let me down and you won’t In the valley, in the shadow, I know You’re so close You’re so close Chorus: Though the mountains may be moved into the sea Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way I can hear my Father singing over me "It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok” It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok I’m gonna be ok, I’m gonna be ok"

Being Here. Being Human. Day Eight

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today, this can be writing ten things that are only because you want to.

Ten things that are not connected to time as money.
Ten things that have nothing to do when showing you can do something just as well as anyone else.
Ten things that reclaim the body’s lived experience without requiring it remains inside the binary.
Ten things that are here, all your own, for you, for their own sake.

What is your own experience?

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)
 

1. I have ever felt the love of someone unconditionally until I met my third husband.
2. I wish my mom lived closer
3. I want to run away and live in the woods or country and homestead like they used, completely living off the land, no tech, no tv, maybe phones, but even if not, that is fine, perhaps only the land and me (and my spouse) picking berries, pruning bushes, gardening, canning, waking up each day with no agenda and just DO whatever the hell I want to.
4. I have recently fallen in love with Oriah Mountain Dreamer and thus this has helped me reach my own reality about a part of me that also has in some circles started going under a new name that resonates with me more, but I have not shared it openly with anyone else except my mother.
5. I yearn to write as profoundly as Isabel Abbot and Oriah Mountain Dreamer and slowly am allowing that person to unravel and become
6. I am on Day 39 of 111 Vibrational Exercises and already feel a shift and my life, my connections, and my world is starting to not only change before me, but I am finally the true creator of it and know my Vibration is raised significantly.
7. I have been growing my intuition through an app called Synctuition and  I feel my Vibration and Intuition starting to work in tandem throughout my soul.
8. I always feel like my body is attacking me and no one will ever let me get away with saying that because it feels uncomfortable for them to hear.
9. I have body dysmorphia internally and externally.
10. I am ina constant state of fear my cancer will metastasize again. 

Being Here. Being Human. Day Seven

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

“What would it mean if we didn’t run from our own ugliness or each others? How do we take the sting out of ‘ugly?’ What would it mean to acknowledge our ugliness for all it has given us, how it has shaped our brilliance, and taught us about how we never want to make anyone else feel? What would it take for us to be able to risk being ugly, in whatever that means for us? What would happen if we stopped apologizing for our ugly, stopped being ashamed of it? What if we let go of being beautiful, stopped chasing ‘pretty,’ stopped sucking in and shrinking, and spending enormous amounts of money and time on things that don’t make us magnificent?

Where is the Ugly in you? What is it trying to teach you?”

- Mia Mingus, from Moving Toward the Ugly: A Politic Beyond Desirability

My ugly.

My ugly is on the inside.

I hate how my Aspergers gets in the way of others seeing the real me.

I hate how my Cyclothymia rears its mania head once in a while and I hate how it dives me headfirst into depression some days.

I don't always talk about it because who wants to hear that?

Plus you can't see my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back.

You can't see my body pain two cancers have created for me.

You can't see all the damage two rounds of hefty Chemo medication has created.

You see the damage to my organs.

You don't see my Hashimotos, AutoImmune Disorder.

Just because I don't talk about it...

Doesn't mean it is not there.

Being Here. Being Human. Day Five

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

What are your own small wins? What are the successes you want to name?

What of this life wants to be celebrated alongside the grief?

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott)

It all matters, and is worthy of occupying our words and space and remembrance.
Let’s write our words of celebrations to all the small and not so small things.

My small wins:

• Creating a new web page for my Toastmasters District
• Organizing all my fabric people donated to me this year
• Labeling and naming each fabric I have to up my game to allow customers to see my fabric choices and pick from them. Game changer!
• Completed the new ReBranding of my business and I am so happy with it.
• Found three different people to start working for my Fashion Business. One Virtual Assistant, One lady to make my floral headbands, one gal to help me some fashion needs
• Created and doing a daily practice of reading and meditation from Raise Your Vibration by Kyle Gray and feeling my vibration get stronger
• Have a regular schedule to listen to my Synctuition and have raise my intuition levels
• For the first time since 2014, we have a couch and a chair 1/2 that I completely manifested for free and it's nearly brand new
• Carving out time for myself for self-care
• Have made Magic Realism a priority to do daily
• Being able to spend time with friends
• Being here, alive, is a huge win for me
• My precious win I always feel honored to have is my spouse. He truly loves me unconditionally and I never thought I would find another that would exist that way.

Doing this challenge today really helped me see the wins in my life, not just the pain.

What are your wins? They can be small or large.

Being Here. Being Human. Day Four

 "It is never asked if the other person might labor to translate into my brain’s diverging language or seek to enter into the interfolded knowing of my own lived experience. And so, through the hoops of translation I go, contorting each time, until the connection received at the other end almost always seems to help the other person far more than myself, assuring them of something. They think they know me more; and yet I feel less known than before the conversation began. My pain has somehow been smoothed over, erased, made more palatable."

Omg, I am so freakin tired of explaining myself to others to make THEM feel better. To make THEM at ease.

Where does it hurt? How does it hurt? 

Today, let’s name our losses, as many as you want and choose.
Let’s speak our pain, in our words, the body that has suffered having its say.
Let’s lay down the need to make sense to another and allow these experiences their own place of belonging at the table of our lexicons and languages.
I am here, interested and listening and ready to receive it.

Isabel Abbott (IG: @isabel_abbott) 

I ache. I'm in pain. Constantly. The only thing that ever seems to change is the level of pain. Am I LEvel 9 or Level 10. Oh, wow, I've been doing Physical Therapy. It's down to an 8. Alert the media. Not.

People, meaning my therapist, emotional, physical and massage, therapist, all hate it when I say,

"I feel like my body is out to get me. I feel like it is always fighting with me. I am exhausted. I am tired of fighting. It's hard to love a body that keeps failing you."

They say "Oh don't say that. That can't be true. " or " You've got this!"

Maybe I don't wanna get it. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I am sick and tired of fucking getting it. 

You don't understand. You only have seen, PART of my journey. 

I have had issues since before I was born. My mother had experimental chemo and radiation before she knew she was pregnant. Now I am not blaming anyone, so don't get your knickers ina twist. My mother and have discussed this and who knows, it could be a contributor.

After I was born. At 3 years old I had a rake fall on my head and I got stitches for the first time, but not the last. When I was ten, A coat rack fell on my while I was playing hide and seek. Oddly, I still like the game. I seemed to always have a cold growing up. I had back issues from Dance and Gymnastics and all I was putting my body through. I have been in a few car accidents. I had children before my body was ready and that made my body react negatively with ovarian pain, back pain, and more. In my 40s I fell and hurt my back making it worse. 

Then to add to all this misery, I found out I had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. I told the doctors in Iowa since 201 something was wrong with my colon. I begged for a colonoscopy. No one would listen. I was treated for my back degeneration and saw pain management but no one would look at my colon.

Sadly, a year after I married my third husband that I made chase me for five years because I was not sure if It wanted to get married again or not. To add to that emotional pain, his mother passed away five months after we were married, earlier in the year, I found out I had cancer. That was difficult, but not for me. For what we are speaking of here now. 

I felt like I spent 2016-2017 explaining myself to others. Not even just explaining, but making them ok with what was happening to me. I spent time, soothing their minds. Stroking their souls. Assuring them I was okay with things, even if I wasn't. 

In a way I was ok. I always knew in my life that something tragic was going to happen to me, I just didn't know when. I nearly smacked one spiritualist when she said "You know, you probably give yourself cancer with your negative way of thinking that would happen. By thinking something WOULD happen you made it happen."  Really, I almost hit her. Honestly.

In my Cyclothymia (Bi-polar symptom) mind, I started fixating on that. "Was it my fault?" "Did I give myself this illness?" I talked to my therapist about it...A LOT.

I had a whole year in 2018 to live. To explore. To travel. To celebrate life. To start seeing life differently. We planned and went on a trip for a whole month in France and a little bit in Holland. Amsterdam. Volendam and other areas. We moved into a new apartment closer to my husband's work so we could spend more time together. I was in a pure state of bliss. Je Suis Contente.

Was it enough? Did I learn the lesson I needed to learn? 

Evidently not.

My second cancer was found in February 2019. However, I started having issues right after we came back from France. At first, I passed it off, must just be my body getting used to American food and ways again. We came back on September 1st  and by October I was in the doctor's office. My ovaries or something in that region was really bothering me. We did  Biopsies let and right. All inconclusive. Months went by and it was Christmas. A friend asked me to help him at a Kiosk in the mall. Not a good idea. We were right in front of the Santa pictures. That meant a lot of kids wiping their snot and sick germs all over everything I was touching. The sneezed openly and coughed openly. OF course, I got sick. My husband got sick. Then he got that horrible Flu. Then I got that horrible flu and had to get pneumonia and flu shot afterward. I still felt horrible and thought I was gaining weight because my stomach was getting bigger. In January, I noticed my abdomen getting larger but yet I really had no appetite and I knew I wasn't eating much. 

The tail end of January I went to the doctor and other tests were done. Come to find out my abdomen was swelling and I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in my ovaries and it was leaking fluid into my abdomen. By the beginning of February, the doctors were running around like chickens with their head cut off again because they didn't listen to me when I said there was an issue.

I spent all of 2019 in an infusion room it felt. Talking to other cancer warriors. Some not as warrior minded as me. Some had cancers four times in a row or some had more severe cancer. I felt like that was not even a place I could speak about my cancer without having to be careful what I say or how I say it. Someone people were brutally honest when we spoke and I loved that! But most people talked about their cancer. They talked about everything else BUT their cancer though that was the largest thing in their face! 

The hardest moment I had was when my first chemo appointment. My friend Angela went with me. She was a cancer survivor and understood. Plus she was a spiritualist like me and allowed me to be me and express myself however I needed to. I cherish her.  That first day was hard for both of us.

I walked over to the recliner to sit down and immediately the memory came back to me of all the time I sat there a few years ago. 

I burst into tears.

I shouted, "IT'S NOT FAIR! It's JUST NOT FAIR!WHY? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE CANCER AGAIN? WHY? CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME? "

She held me as I sobbed and sobbed. When I finally sat down I looked around me and I saw people looking at me with sincere hearts and love. They knew the feeling. I knew by the look in their eyes they were saying back to me "I know. I know what you are going through. I understand that emotion.it's okay to be yourself here. We get it."

At the end of 2019 I was given the status of NED, No Evidence of Disease, however, I was told I need to keep my port in and I have to get Avastin regularly. I may have to get it for the rest of my life. 

In January of 2020, I started getting my Avastin Once a month.

As of now, I have pains because of the Avastin side effects. I have shoulder tension and jaw tension. I have Hashimotos from all the chemo I went through, it affected my thyroid and this happens often in cancer patients. I have been complaining about my neck and shoulder and chest since last fall. Another series of no one listening to me. Joy. Not.

Finally, we are getting some Physical therapy happening and it is helping but not 100%

I have pains because of my Degenerative Disc in my neck and back. Plus the added should pain isn't helping.

I have been getting these odd pains under my breast, still can't figure that one out.

I lie in bed every night acknowledging each pain and doing what I can to alleviate the pain or make it tolerable enough that I can maybe get some sleep. I wake every morning in pain and take pills to try and relax my muscles and take care of that. Throughout the day, I stretch and take more pain pills to try and help. It takes the edge off but I am still in pain.

I told my therapist I think the term "Cronic Sufferer" is now my label I associate with the most.

Others do not understand my pain. Even if you have pains similar to mine, you are not in my body or feeling my pain. 

I am a positive person and do my best to remain and show positivity to others because it soothes them. It strokes their soul. It makes them feel better about what I am going through. 

I never realized how much I do that until I read this prompt and started thinking about it.

Thank you Isabel for the aid in allowing those feelings out.

I know pain is my life. I have accepted it. 

Now...

I am able to greet it, in a different way. <3

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Being Here. Being Human. Day 2. Year 2020

 Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Day Two

Telling stories remakes the world!

Today we can begin to make the space.

We aren’t leaving ourselves or one another behind.

What story are you telling?
What world are you remaking?
What one thing do you want to name today?

I am telling the story of an overcomer, a survivor, a soldier a warrior.

I tell the stories others are afraid to share and listeners are not used to hearing.

I tell stories about hard things

I tell the stories os the power of positivity

I tell stories about being authentic and real.

I tell stories about how I create the life I love and how others can too.

I tell the stories about advocacy, patient, or otherwise.

Through my stories,

I am remaking a world into a place of love

I am remaking a world into a place of acceptance.

I am remaking a world of awareness.

I am remaking a world of Compassion, Empathy, Tolerance, Resiliency, Evolving

What one thing do I want to name today?

Today I name myself as a powerful Master Manifestor of Miracles!

~Xoxo Trisha Trixie

Being Here. Being Human: Day 1. Year 2020.

Being Here. Being Human.

http://www.beingherehuman.com

Today is the first day of a new online project I am doing by Being Here. Being Human. https://www.beingherehuman.com/

SEPTEMBER 7 TO SEPTEMBER 18: MAGICAL REALISM W/ ISABEL ABBOTT

A writing workshop for those living with disability and/or chronic illness

Two weeks where we will write through the intersections of disability, accessibility, the sick/well binary of the disordered and diagnoses, the mundane and naming what is real, hybridity and living in spaces between, celebrating the small things, care, and creation, mourning and making a world where we leave none of us behind.

A writing space by us
About us
For us

(If you want to join I am not sure if they are still taking people)

https://www.beingherehuman.com/writing-workshop

Day 1- For today, what do you need to write, about you and for you?

What realities pass through your head without any other consideration?

We have these next days to write for ourselves. This time is for you, about you. And you know you best. You, the subject of your own words and writing and life. You know what you need for something to be accessible. For something to be for you and about you. You know all of what comes from the hours spent alone, and from the learning and the unlearning, that happen in these unruly bodies and disordered brains. You. And in this you, us. Together, we are allowed to bring it back to this, each in our own way.

“I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best.”
― Frida Kahlo

The realities that pass through my mind that I have accepted are...

• The reality that I have more brain fog from all my chemo than I realized.
• The reality that this brain fog is limiting to my daily life and tasks.
• The reality that I will always be misunderstood by someone and I accept that
• The reality that I am a direct communicator
• The reality that I am real, raw, and hones to a fault
• The reality that I am authentic and that scares some people
• The reality that I am"too much" for some people and...
• The reality that if I am " too much" then those are not my people
• The reality that I am a lightworker, a star seed, a healer, a shaman, an indigo child
• The reality that I am good at what I do, though saying that out loud is often taken as Egotistical
• The reality that I can handle "more" in most situations than most people
• The reality that I am a hard worker and a smart worker
• The reality that because of all my pains, cancer, ailments, disorders, etc I tend to have a much higher tolerance for pain than I used to. 
• The reality that because I have a high tolerance, I am often misjudged or diagnosed because others have shaped their disbelief, thus they think the same applies to me
• The reality that my body is flawed. Degenerative disc in neck and back, Hashimoto's, GI issues because of my colon cancer, as well as two cancers have severely altered my body.
• The reality that we all are perfectly imperfect in our own way.
• The reality that others have not ever walked a journey like I have so they will never understand and I need to quit expecting them to.
• The reality that my tribe may be small but powerful, loving, and accepting.
• The reality that I give more than I receive
• The reality that I am unique
• The reality that I have body dysmorphia and have a hard time loving my body because of this, but also the reality that I struggle to love my body because I often feel like my body is attacking me or out to get me after having cancer twice and so many side effects and issues from the chemo than I care to mention
• The reality that life is precious to me because I truly know there are no guarantees in life
• The reality that if I desire to change I need to be the change
• The reality that I am a good human
• The reality that I look at  things, life, etc with a kaleidoscope vision
• Lastly, the reality that I am a spiritual being having a human experience and not the other way around

I am sure if I stood here, at my standing desk longer, I could come up with more, but my intuition has stopped me here at this point in my writing.

I am grateful for this challenge and appreciate the writing prompts to help us along.

I am thankful to Isabel Abbot for sharing her gifts with us so that we may share our gifts with others.

Peace Love and Happiness

Trixie <3