Thursday, December 21, 2006

Sobbing

I sat there...water dripping over me and just stared. Then I started to cry and then I really sobbed and let it out. I buried my head into my knees to sob into them so he couldnt hear me. I jsut wanted to be by myself. I felt alone when he is near me anyway so why should I get him involved? The email from the school was the straw that broke the camels back I guess. Not getting paid, dealing with vendors, issues at work, now being micro managed, and then...the school.

It all seems so frustrating at times. I feel as if I am being swallowed whole by the earth like quicksand and I am reaching my arms out for anyone to take my hand and pull me out as they walk by but no one sees me. The step over me, they walk around me, or some of them even stepped right one me! As I start hollering for help thinking this will acquire more attention they then put in earplugs, turn on mp3 players or jsut squint their faces and walk faster as if the quicker the go the quieter I will get.

I am thinking about all of this while I am sitting there...on the floor of the bathtub, with the shower water on me. My hair is wrangly, but skin is pruning, and my legs itch now from the shower water hitting my knees with no soap, but I don't care.

I sob more and more...I sob for missing my mom...I sob for the continual trials I am always faced with licing this life...I sob for my children-that no one seems to hear them or care about thier misery and when I try to I get shot down like the email I received...I sob for my work and being told to be a go getter and head strong but then when I do I end up pissing someone off and then I get micro managed...I sob for my financial issue with paychecks...I sob for always having to be the one to deal with all that crap and why can't he ever step up to the plate and be a mna and handle things...I sob for thoughts of misery and unhappiness....I sob for thoughts that perhaps being single maybe wouldn't be better it would be harder but if the lights get turned off, or the car doesnt get paid, or the rent is late, or or or...then it would be MY fault not his not anyones but my own...I sob to think that maybe it would be better....I sob for misery of feeling mistreated emotionally and feeling that he doesnt desire to treat me better as he seems to see nothing wrong with throwing money down ont he table when he leaves or me having to ask him for money all the time or having him TELL me what to say or do...no of course he doesnt see all this is a bad thing...but I do...I tell him..but he is deaf to my words...I sob for this and more...but most of all...I sob for my life...I sob for my lonliness...and I sob for missing my friends....Ineed a hug right now.

He comes in and ses I am upset and then says he worries. He rubs my back. Oh yeah that makes it all better...RIGHT. How about doingthings right in your life...how about fixing yourself so you are not a slob...how about taking responsibilty for your home...for your work...for your OWNlife and let me live mine and think and act for myself...How about taking care of your family...consistenly...stable...secure...how about it?

I stare at the water draining ina circle around the ring of the tub....It does not even fathom me that he is rubbing myback...it means nothing to me...I dont care anymore...is it too late to care...I dont know...but I can't sit here anymore and do this....I talk for a bit because he persistenly asks...but then gather myself (so he'll go) and shut off the shower, dry off and get into cozies.

I go to bed and crash. The next morning I was almsot an hour late to work...Gee I wonder why...