Friday, December 08, 2006

This life of mine

The life you envision may not always be the life you end up with. SO what do you do whenthis is the case? How do you be happy when your marriage is failing, your children are not in your home, one of your children does nto desire you in thier life? What then? What do you do when your sposue wants to do nothing but blame you to make your life better? Do you have another failed marriage? Do you fight harder or give in eventually and throw up your arms and say...I'm done. I give. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I know I;m not happy.I know this isn't the life I want. I know I'm tired of strugling so much. I know I miss my mom and now is like thae crappiest time for her to be gone. If I ever needed my mom in all my life, I give up all the years I wanted her there and forgive all the other years she wasn't for this year. But as spolied brat as I am I can't do that to her. I know if I asked them to come back they would, but they deserve a life as well. They have waitied all thier life for this retirement. Plus I need to be mature here and I am being mature. I will suffer silently. I will be miserable. I will be unhappy. I will fight for something that only one side wants to do to change it. I will smile sweetly and ac like it is alright when it is not.

I hate this life. I want a real life. I want to stop struggling. I want to stop crying over children I can nver have or never are going to want me in thier life. I want to have bills paid on time and have a real roof over my head. I want a house and a car that I can call my own. I want a job and a career and to be honored and respected. I want to be treated like a human being and not a child. I want to have money inmy own bank account that is mine and no one else. I want to not have to askk for money or be thrown money down before he goes away and feels me like a prostitute without the benefits.

The song from Dolly Parton "Hard Candy Christmas" is on and I can't help but feel it in my bones. As I sit here and type in my journal, a tear fall from my cheeks and I silently sob so he won't hear me behind me as he plays his computer game.

"I'll be fine and dandy
lord its like a hard candy christmas
Im barely gettingthrough tomorrow
but still I wont let sorrow bring me way down"

I wish my father were still alive. I need him. I need a friend right now. I need someone here to hold me and truly care about me and help me through this. All my old friends are in a such a different place than I am now so I don't waste the time to contact them. My other friends are in other places across the globe. I feel that they are tired of hearing about my dramatic life anyway. I don't mean it to be it just is.

What do I do with this life? Where do I go from here? My tear stained pillows are my only comfort through this mess. My aching heart of agony and frustration has had it's due. I am done. He cries in front of me and there is nothing left of me to feel for him anymore. My heart is frozen as a lake on Christmas Day. But even more than that, the boys, my family, the bills, it all gets to be too much at times.

I want to be happy. I jsut want to be happy.I want to be respected. I want to feel loved. I want to feel...