Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Hard Life

I ended up hiding out and then cryong tonight. N is still not doing well. I talked to his counselor and he is still slacking and not pulling his weight. It's like he doesn't care. I talked to him after I talked to his counselor and asked him to kick it up a notch. I know I laid on teh guilt a bit and said "I fe he cared about me if he loved me he would change and do what is right." I think that almost hurt me more. I don't like being that person. I dont like this tough love crap. I want to hug him and tellhim it will be alright. I want him to know tht no matter what I accept him. I don't like taking his Ipod away and taking away the things he loves in life and taking myself away.

This life is so hard.

Then there is S, my spouse. I jsut can't please hima dn we ended up having quite a rough weekend. I ended up asking him to leave and going to Keith Urban by myself, which I was glad about because teh songs were very poignant for my life right now. It was weird being alone though.

I don't know how to deal with all of this and I am jsut trying to do what's right. I am in so much pain and tears and need to be strong for everyone all the time. I feel so alone. Even if S were here I feel alone. he needs to change so much. I have grown and he hasnt and I just dont think I can take it anymore. We are ending. It's time. WE are trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there to be nice to each other when neither of us is truly happy.

I have new friends out here that I am making and learning about. I have a new organization tha ti am part of and they have become my friends more. Plus my graphic Designer is a prt of a few other groups. I want to join another, but I am so busy I don't have time to do that much. I am really trying to focus ont he business. I think I will jsut stay with tis one the Jaycees for now.

The friends I am making are so down to earth and honest. They are not fake like people in Ca can be. my friends in Cali arent like that but a lot of people are. I used to call them Plastic People. MY friends are true but they are very busy with thier life and they always have been. My friend C said to me once that she couldn't live up to our friendship tha tI need someone too much. I guess that's true. I do need friends and I drive them insane trying to connect. But even though that is true I never had a long term friend except one and he cannot even devote time to be there when I need him to talk to.

So I live alone, I deal with things alone, I talk alone. N told me he thought "tough and Fall" were my kind of songs. I'd have to agree. I am strong. I have been. I always will be. But every now and then I falter. Every now and then I escape under the covers like this afternoon. I cry my tears like I did tonight and now I am ok. WEll, ok as I will be. I will survive. I will go on. I will be fine.

I have a Passion for life and I keep my chin up. I don't harbor these thoughts and feelings forever I move on. that's what you have do with life. Butit is nice to have others around who care about you. It is nice to have friends who you can hang with at least.

This life is hard life. Ive always had one. Why should today be any different?