Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Backing Off

I'd like to say Im better and in some respects I am. I am not as wallowing as I was earlier last week. Last week I wanted to shoot myself. You would have thought it was a PMS week but it wasn't. I was told how self centered and selfish Iw as. Then other people I know confirmed those thoughts. Then I had a talk with a friend who pretty much told me I was pushing too hard to be in thier life.

So what is my outcome on that? Backing off is what everyone always asks me to do. C, J, S, R, E,you name it, someone has told me. I don't know why I am so Attnetion hungry. All I can figure is for years no one ever did. Now so many did and do that when it is gone it is like the high is gone.

Reality is this "If you aren't paying attention to me, someone else will" So now here's the hard part. Yes, other people can pay attention to me, but then I have to be the one to allow it. And if I value my friendships with certain people I can't allow that to happen. As well, they may pay attention to me, but why are they doing so? I know why mostly, and I don't want that so I end up alone. I don't want to be alone.

I have been alone in a dead, loveless marriage for almost 10 years. I can sit right next to him and feel alone. I want SO much to sit next to a person and feel like they want me near them. Not for SEX, but because they truly and genuinely want to be near me as a person. They like who I am. They want to be around me.

I know I move fast on my friends. I share too much, I am too much and the drama of my life is too much for most. I need to back off. I need to give other space and let them lead their lives and have separate lives. I am doing that now. It is hard. It is lonely. It is life.

I am still happy and fun. I still enjoy life. I am replacing this void with other things now like Exercising and becoming fit. I am working on (almost said trying) pulling away from the computer as well. After I write this blog I am goign to make some food, sit down and watch Tv, read a few books, and RELAX.

Someone told me that recently and though it frustrated me that they said it, I concur it was a well needed statement. I work too much and I sit in front of the computer too much. If you want to know where to find me, most will say "On the computer".

Well, til now. This year has been about changes. About progressing and becoming a better person. I love to learn and grow and change. Just usually not all at once, but maybe that is what we need sometimes. Growing pains are real in life.

I am working on having a life of my own. Making new friends. Spending time with me. Relaxing. Taking a break from 80 hour work weeks. Obtaining sleep. I need to learn to be satisfied with not talking to my friends everyday. I do feel that satisfied=settled and I don't want to be settled right now. I want to enjoy and savor life. I want someone to do that with me. I want someone in my life that wants to do things, see things, hear things in life.

I want someone who wants what I want and enjoys what I want and wants to be with me. I am willing to back off friends and learn about all these things on my own. But eventually I do want someoen to come along for the ride. S had that chance and he lost it. He may not even know it right now, but he has.

I am going to NY to keep him happy. I am going to try and relax and enjoy myself. But running away from the issues does not solve them. I will make the most of my time. I hope we get along. I hope we are decent to each other. He has been reading CC and it has made a difference. But not enough for me to stay. I don't like being alone, but I like being a poor marriage less, because irrovocably I am alone anyway. So, this trip is a relaxing trip. I hope. I have no expectations. I do have reservations and I told him so.

We will see what the future will hold...on all avenues...5th and otherwise.