Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Weekend

This weekend was crazy. It was filled with moments of happiness intertwined with delusions of hell mixed in with a little salt to rub into the wounds. Did you get that?

I don't know why I went. I didn't feel like I could just walk away at this point. I wanted to. I wanted to be mean and cruel and just heartless and maybe that would make it all easier. If I didn't care whether or not I hurt another wouldn't that be easier? Maybe, but being true to myself through all of this is important to me and doing things like that would not be true to me. I am not a mean, cruel, vengeful, vicious, mean person. I can't just walk away cold and leave someone there to fend for themselves.

I recognized that he is trying. I also knew that I need to try and keep him happy through this and if that means walking on eggshells then so be it. Or so I thought. The good news is he is finally reading Crucial Conversations. The bad news is he is reading Crucial Conversations. The reason that is good and bad is that he wanted to have them all weekend long.

We came out understanding the other which is what the point is. A CC is not to agree or disagree is to understand the other person. I think mostly we did. The problem there is that we don't agree. We don't share the same views, values or feelings.

I don't love him. I have no emotional feelings to him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. If he put his arms around me, it seemed no different than wrapping my own arms around myself. If he looked into my eyes, I could look back, but he was thinking how much he loved me and I was thinking how much I didn't. Then when he wanted more, I hurt his feelings because I didn't want the same. How could I give myself to someone fully when I didn't even want to give myself to him partially? I knew it would hurt, but to me leading him on would have been worse.

Now I have a lot to think about. We talked some more this morning about the business and what would happen if we divorced. I really don't want to think about things in that way as it feels so shallow, but a mature decision is required here and we both need to be thinking rational, reasonable and decent like the book says.

He got so angry at me and started screaming at me over the phone and being very mean and cruel in his words when we were discussing this. I am so tired of being yelled at, taking the blame, and waiting for someone to be there in my life. Waiting for someone to talk to me with decency, for someone to talk to me like I have a brain and I am smart, like I matter to them and like I am worth being talked to with respect. I get so frustrated about that. Yes, he is changing but his levels of change are so far behind mine.

I asked him to stop yelling at me and talking to me that way. He stopped and then started crying and saying why would I want to be with him when he is so mean. What do I say? He has a point. He talks down to me so much. He treats me like a child one day then a mom to him the next.

The truth is that when I am with him I feel absolutely nothing. He is just like hanging out with a friend or a roommate. I used to think it was that I didn't have the passion he had. I thought I didn't know how to feel that way, but I know that not to be true. I don't feel that way towards him.

There is this song I keep thinking of my Depeche Mode called Somebody. I think it stands out in my mind as it is how I feel and what I want.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll (He’ll) get my support
She (He) will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Sh’ell (He’ll) hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll (he’ll) often disagree
But at the end of it all
She (He) will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it

I don't know if my expectations are really that high, but I often wonder if they are out of reach...

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