Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Thoughts after the weekend

I am so tired. It is now after 3 am. I can't sleep. I cry and cry and cry. Some say I am insecure. I disagree. I am going through the hardest times in my life. I can't be strong forever. I want to show someone the underside of me. But if I do, if I show concern for the things in my life then my insecurities show. Do I ever get someone to lean onto? Is there ever going to be someone there who truly understands me? Is there every going to be anyone who gets my life? Who treats me the way I need to be treated and desire to be treated? I am a strong person, but even strong people need somebody sometimes. Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

I hate this. I hate this year. It has jsut been so DAMN HARD! I want to shout at the world! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The marriage has barely been holding on. Then when my son got in trouble I think what little strands were holding it together either got cut or fell apart.

I have to be there for N. I have to help A feel loved and good about himself. I have to be strong for S. On top of that, be strong for me. Run a business, hope it all works out, hope I don't have to go back to working for someone else. Keep moving forward. Change, grow, be a better mom, be a better person. Be strong for everyone. I sacrifice. We learn from our parents and my mother sacrificed all her life. I guess I follow in her footsteps.

It is all so exhausting yet I can't sleep. The bed is lonely. The sounds of the thoughts inside my head haunt me. Am I cruel? Am I being mean? I'm not wanting to be. Is it more cruel to lead on a lie or more cruel to tell the truth? Im screwed either way. I feel like this is a Sucker Choice. I can't win either way. This weekend was so damn hard. Did it HAVE to be that hard? GEEZ.

I have so much to think about. My mom is leaving soon. I thought I would be able to leave him sooner than now. I waited til she came home, but then all hell broke loose with N. I know it was wrong, but I used S. He isn't great comfort but he was something. Crying alone is not fun. But then when I REALLY needed him, he wasn't there for me. He showed me through his actions that I was not at the top of his list. On the way home I didn't know what to do. I cried so hard at times I had to pull off the side of the road. I talked to my mom, to R, to my other friends. But all in all I was still alone. Left alone to deal with N and all my thoughts. That was the hardest drive home I have had in a long time.

More tears. More and more tears fall as I write here, in my poetry, more tears fall when I listen to music and when I don't. I guess this is the time for tears. The pain of having to hurt someone else is so hard to bear. I hate myself for that. I hate being that person. But I hate lying am who I am even more. I'm scared as hell. and so what if that makes me insecure right now. Who isn't scared when they are getting a divorce? Only the bitches. I'm not one of them. I wish I was.

More tears... why can't I be one of the bitches? Because that's not who I am.

I am a good person. I am good to other people. My friends from HS and now all say I treat them good, I make them feel special, I make them happy. They say I am different than other people. My vendors say I am a different client than other people. I care. I show concern. I'm not demanding. My friends say I am unique. Country girl charm mixed with big city style and a Jackie O grace and presence. Deep down I am good. I know I am good. That kindness in my heart is what hurts me so right now. I know I am hurting S and I want so much to make it all better, but I can't. I jsut can't. I DONT LOVE HIM. I FEEL NOTHING.

I can't always make it all better. This is going to be hard. I have to do it. Sigh. I'm already alone so it's not that. It's jsut...it hurts to hurt another...

why can't I jsut be a bitch about it...