Saturday, August 18, 2007

Invisible to Everyone

Ironic that I looked at my Yahoo Messenger and I was bsuy today so I marked it as "Invisible to Everyone"and the more I think about it, the more I truly do feel that way. I feel as if the world is moving around me and bumping into me but no one sees me, no one cares. If I dare speak out for attention my friends say I am attention hungry.

I had lunch with a friend today who told me I was being selfish and self-centered. OUCH! Wow. I didn't see that one coming. That hit me like a frieght train. We talked and I spoke of how I was teh baby of the family and always felt like I was clawing my way to receive attention from family members. When I was in High School I never received any attention from people as I was shy and a wallflower. I had a few friends, but nothing major. They always made it a point to say someone else was their Best Friend not me. Guys didn't notice me or wanted to go out with me even when I had the guts and courage to ask them.

Once I did start dating I had little by little pulled out of my shell. I started modeling for Teen and Seventeen magazine and had money so I could buy nice clothes. I remember the first time someone really noticed me and it felt so good. I was at my friend E's apt and one of his friends came through the door and jsut stared at me. E introduced him and the guy said, "Wow. You are incredibly gorgeous." Of course this caught me off guard, but nontheless I loved it and eated it up. Why not? I spent years with no one seeing me and now someone finally did.

I have been through a lot in my life and have been hurt often. I used to be a player and walked around stomping on guy's hearts without a care in the world. To me, that was selfish and self-centered. But for someone to say that to me now made me really think.

I realized that I am currently attention hungry. I was overweighht a few years ago and finally have lost some of that. I have my own business and walk with my head held high. I have confidence in myslef and am proud of my life and the way I look.

As well I have a lot going on and have to do it all by myself. Even with S around sitting in the room I could feel lonely. Read my blogs you will see what I mean. I NEED attention right now. And then, there's the new friends inmy life that I thought understood, yet instead agree and wanted to tell me it was getting out of hand yet this is a person that o0riginally said they were "too much" telling me I am "too much". NICE.

I know I am not invisible. I know people see me. I know I am pretty and beautiful. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I truly care about other people. I give my friendship and everything I do my all. All I ask is for some attention in return.

But I guess I am jsut being a self centered, selfish person. It hurts for my friends to say that. and though I realize that what M said has some beaing and truth to it, the fact the someone else who normally is that way backed that thought process up, hurt my feeling more than anythign else. In addition to the fact that S in the last month told me the same thing.

Well, hey...I will tell you all what...I won't ask for attnetion, I will pull back, I will not seek you out, I will go abut my day all by myself, like I often do and often have to. People see all I do and say I can't do it myself, but I can and Iw ill becaus eI wouldnt want to burden anyoen else by being there for me.