Monday, November 15, 2010

The Choice

The choice to leave is not always an easy one.

My counselor says that oft times one person has decided to leave far before they actually leave they just haven't shared this with the other person. I believe and know this to be true, even if we don't know this ourselves.

Often times the hardship in this is that there are times that it feels or may seem like you are leaving one person for another person because of this because by the time you finally get around to leaving you have moved on but you failed to tell the person you are leaving this information.

It is not about the other person it is about the unhealthy relationship, it is about the trying, it is about the pains and the sorrows, the heartaches you both kept going through and hopefully you both come to a conclusion for the best of both of you that this is not working out and so you can still remain in tact with your hearts not completely shattered and hopefully still caring about each other and as friends that you walk away with your heads held high.

I'm not saying we are not broken when we leave and make this choice, but leaving amiably is different. I think leaving with your heart still tact is a great feat and I think it was accomplished and I think one would agree.

I care about this person and I know he cares about me. He is a good man and good person. He has amazing talents and good heart. It just wasn't working anymore. It was unhealthy for the both of us. It just wasn't right anymore. I want the best for him and I truly believe when he said "I hope you find happiness" he meant it.

He said I was a lot of work, he said he was tired of trying, he said most men don't realize how much work it takes to make me happy and/keep me happy. I am not like normal women, I don't have a normal job, I don't live a normal life. Nope. I am he farthest from normal that they come and I always have been. I accept that. I know that about myself.

Here's what I have found with my counselor in this past year that I have grown and what a lot of women don't get to and what he may not even realize...

I don't need a man to make me happy
I have found the courage to be myself
I enjoy being me
I will choose to be me no matter what the cost
I am a strong, confident, powerful woman
I am a pleasure to be around

I have emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs that are of crucial importance to me

I NOW at 40 years old and from here on out...

will hold any man very strongly to these standards and they will either meet them

or they will not be a part of my life!

I will not be "Broken Girl" anymore as Matthew West sings as his lyrics say(go look them up)

I will not allow men nor anyone else to walk all over me anymore - (to not mistake that I believe HE did because he did not, quite the contrary, I'm just saying other men and people in my life have)

People treat you how you allow them to treat you... I'm done being a doormat...

Though on that note... I am done being on a shelf and waiting...

I was getting dusty and I don't have time for dusty (sorry-but true)

I will be the fun, cheery, silly, energetic, goofy, bouncy, light hearted person I enjoy being

and I have come to terms that not everyone will like that about me,

I have come to terms that I will not get along with everyone

I have come to terms with that I may rub some people the wrong way

and I also have come to terms with the other side of me-which btw is the side that everyone has-the dark side

I can get aggressive, I can get angry, I can get grouchy and I can take peoples heads off...

But I look at where I was and where I used to be and how far I become and I am sorry but I could be worse and I am not GOD, I am not Jesus, I am a work in progress :)

and I have come to terms with that part of me too...

and if people don't like it...

oh well.


My skin used to be thin as water and I have developed a thicker skin.
I had jobs beg me to leave because my boss couldn't even talk to me without me crying at her desk. I had jobs where I was a wreck and I worked at home. I have had jobs where I walked out because I couldn't take it.

This year I went through exhaustive, internal assessment with a counselor and said I want to get to the bottom of me and my insecurities! It take a VERY strong person to do that and I did. I am not the me I used to be, I am BETTER DAMNIT! :) He said he didn't know who I was anymore...well, you are right...you didn't because I was stronger and more me than I had ever been before.

The choice to leave was not an easy one, but I think I hope he saw (or he said he did) that it was a needed one and I feel at ease about it because I think we can both move on with our lives and I hope we both can find happiness in areas we never knew existed.

I hope he said was he really felt and wasn't telling me lies. I hope he meant what he said. I hope he is okay because I do and always will truly care about this man. I cared more about him in 3 years than I did anyone else and I truly did understand him more than I think anyone else ever did...

Be well...be safe...be true...be you...