Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I Never Thought of That

I have been thinking a lot about what the pastor said about what God has designed for our lives. I have been praying for my life and I thought I have been letting go and letting God and the I thought, Have I really? And I realized, no I don't think I have. I think I have been praying and saying I have been giving it to him but been holding on to this one little edge of it and saying here lord you take this whole page but I will just hold on to this edge of it. That is not letting God handle things. I used to be so spiritually in tune and felt like I had such a purpose and was doing so much to reach out to others and I just have not felt that way lately. I have just felt so lethargic and distant and even a word that someone used recently...disdain...

Having this time to reflect just makes matters worse for me as well. I knelt down right after thinking that and burst into tears and prayed fervently to God and cried out "Help me dear Lord Help me. I don't even know what to pray for anymore. I give to you my broken heart and contrite spirit. Do I pray for tolerance, do I pray for guidance, do I pray for patience, do I pray for my relationship, do I pray for a job, do I pray for a place to live, I have no clue, I have no idea anymore, all I know is to pray to you...to just help me...as the song says...if we ever needed help, we need you now, I need you now, I need you now" and I just kept crying for about an hour and saying that over and over " I need you now, I don't know what to do, help me" while on my knees.

It has been a long time since I prayed like that actually. when I was done, I went to the bathroom I washed my face and just stared in the mirror and then sat down on the edge on the tub. I was fully clothed but a thought came to me that I have never had before.

I have two people that I know that do Motivational Speaking. For some reason the thought came to me about that. The pastor said that sometimes God has plans for us that we may never think of. well, that definitely was something I never would have thought of. Nate wanted to do that. A long time ago I did ponder it, but I let it pass. But now, well, I don't know. Maybe I need to take the steps to start thinking about that.

I have been told many times that I influence the lives of others. I have been told that I make a difference. I have been told that I am an inspiration. I have been told that because of what I have gone through in life and the fact that I can still get up every day and still smile and still have and desire relationships with men and relationships in life and love life and savor it, these things and many other things that I can empathize with others could touch others lives. So, well, who knows.

The pastors message has been about dreams...and last night I literally had a dream about it. I was on a stand hosting another speaker, sharing about my life and theirs, we were speaking together and it was like WHOA, where did that dream come from? I was a Motivational Speaker on a Speaking Tour. So, maybe God does have a different "dream" for me...

All I know is..well... I never thought of that...