Sunday, December 26, 2010

I Think We're Alone Now

I was talking to a friend recently about being alone and doing things alone and it made me realize that a lot of people don't realize that I have spent a good majority of my life doing and being just that - ALONE.

My sisters were older when I was living at home so they were always out and about when I was living in Iowa. I spent most of my time growing up under ten years old sitting on the play set swinging and singing songs to myself. Making up my own lyrics (never writing them down sadly) and just singing and kicking my feet to swing. I could sit out there for hours and in fact most times I did. I would lose track of time sitting there or sitting on the tire swing, swinging back and forth just singing my own songs about life. I sang about the farm and the country and even about being alone at that time.

Then my dad passed away and I went to live with my mom and she worked all the time before and after Lew came into our lives and I was alone then. I went to school alone. I rarely had someone to walk with. I walked down Beach up Chapman and then down Dale over to Rancho or I would walk down Beach up Orange and then down Dale. Once in awhile my friend Tracey G would catch me and as I was older I had another friend whose dad had a limo and we would ride to school in their limo every now and then. Once I got my car in my last year of high school I used to offer to pick Sheri up every now and then but no, mostly I walked alone or rode alone.

I walked home from school alone as well but if I was lucky Kevin Orbaker was walking the same direction as me or Tony Rose, or sometimes Tim...hmm what was his name? Funny how you can have a crush on someone in High School and then years later not even remember a person's last name. Anyway he lived behind these gates off Beach Blvd and sometimes I would walk with him but he had a girlfriend so I think it creeped him out that I walked with him more than anything. If Kevin was walking home it was nice to walk with him but he also had a girlfriend and I had a crush on him too (I was always crushing on everyone in HS because I was alone).

Then in my Junior and Senior years of High School I feel in CRUSH with Mike Willey..sigh. I went to every game and every meet he was in. I sat in the stands, I went to everything I could that was local. He at least wrote in my Yearbook (thanks for going to all my B-ball games), well at least he noticed. :) But I went to those alone as well.

Other than doing those things I went every Saturday to the movies ALONE. I went at noon and hung out until the last showing. my friend Ed worked there and would give me the lowdown on the movies so I would movie hop and see a few of them until my stepdad came to pick me up or until I walked home ALONE.

I went to all the dances in HS alone. I went to Prom alone. I didn't date in HS like other girls and in fact my first kiss was not even until I was a month away from being 18 years old.

I had friends who were turn their nose up when they heard all the things I did alone. they would say "I could never go to the movies alone or eat out alone." Well, I felt like if I waited around fro someone to do those things with me then I would be waiting forever and I didn't want to miss out on life just because I didn't have someone to share it with.

It amazes me how many people do that. Miss out on living life because they are waiting for someone to take their hand and do things with them. I have never been that person and I don't ever want to be. I am starting to wonder if I am becoming that person though. Am I waiting around for someone to be there for me? Am I waiting for someone to hold my hand and take me through life? Am I not living life anymore because I am waiting for someone to do things with me? I hope not but it does make me start thinking.

I wasn't alone on Christmas Eve. I did get to spend it with someone special in my life. I was happy about that. There was an added person to the mix I could have done without and there is constantly now an added person I could live without, but that is a topic for another time. I was however alone on Christmas. It wasn't like I was excluded because I was NOT. He did invite me to go with him, but I declined. Because I don't like where he was going. The only people I like there was the one and only person who got me a gift and someone under 10 years of age and it gets frowned upon when I play with her Hannah Montana :)

I ended up spending it with friends going to the movies and then we went out for Chinese at China Buffet. We talked and had a good time. A few of my other friends were so shocked that I handled being alone on Christmas SO WELL and that is what made me think about writing this today.

Of course I handled being alone SO WELL. It is what I know. It is who I am. It is what I have become. I go to the movies alone. I go out to eat alone. I went to many things alone. I am in my car alone a lot. I shop alone. I eat alone. I used to cry when in High School and ponder if there would ever be anyone for me, if I was destined to always be alone.

I used to listen to that song by Tiffany "I think we're alone now" and it has a much different meaning for me than I think it does for others. Of course I am used to being alone. It is me and I am it.

I was married for ten years and I was alone. I have been in a relationship for three years and still alone.

As I sit and write you now, I am not with any man, not in any life, not in any job, not in any existence but alone....

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