I feel my heart and soul are a plate of spaghetti and someone has tipped them upside down. I feel as though now I am trying to make sense of it all. The spaghetti is all over the place and the meatballs are everywhere. There is sauce and tomatoes and onions on the floor mixed in with the dirt. The rocks and pebbles are now ground in with it and people have walked through it to add to the craziness of it all. I am scrambling to scrape it back up onto my plate but the more I try to do that it is becoming mush into the ground. I am weeping and crying and begging others to stop walking on it. Some have tried to give me a new plate or fork, even a new house to put my plate in and a table to put it on but yet the moment I set it down it falls on the floor again. My soul is wound and wound and needs unwinding.
I come from a spiritual home and normally have my life quite together and my chakras in order. I have not felt this topsy turvy since I was in my 20's and now in my 40's I feel so un at ease and feel despairing. this is not the life I envisioned for myself at this time and I weep at the sight of it and want my life to stop this merry go round.
Someone asked me recently if someone tipped it or if it was just a metaphor? I had to really think about that. I came then to the conclusion of what did it matter. I allowed it either way. I allowed it to be tipped, I tipped it or someone else tipped it.
I know that things were running smoothly for sometime though I was not happy nor satisfied and perhaps it felt like rubber band that was getting overstretched. it felt like that band was going to break at any given moment and like it was just going to snap! SNAP! The band would sway tight then bend back to soft again then tight again every time I would feel uneasy about where things were going in my life. But they were still moving in a direction I could manage and handle.
I decided to change my life and live life in a new place and I managed that as well. And then later this year....there it was was...
It was like I was delivering or holding a plate of pasta, spaghetti, all stacked high on the plate, full of sauce, tomatoes, onions, garlic, basil, everything that made it flavorful and there I was just walking along and someone came along and reached underneath my hand and swung as hard as they could and flipped it right out from underneath my hand and just like in the movies it went soaring and flying through the air.
The plate spun and spun and the pasta went everywhere, tomatoes were flying, onion pieces were going everywhere, garlic tidbits are randomly scattering about, basil is coming down like snowflakes, and the crash the plate breaks off into a few pieces and the pasts ends up in the dirt and I am flailing and diving for it but there is nothing I can do for it is too late.
It is like trying to catch words that come out of your mouth that you know you should not have said, once they are said, they are not retractable.
Now I stare at the ground and cry and weep and sob and my heart aches and I try so hard to pick up the pieces but as I said people keep tromping on it and I am trying so hard to scrape it back together, and people keep trying to help me, but I feel like my efforts are in vain.
I don't know what to do.
The table I once had set and the meal I had once prepared is no longer available.
This is not the life I had envisioned for myself at 40.
This is not the life I had envisioned for my future.
This is not the life I saw.
I don't want to start over.
I want to just stop.
My life is pasta.
~~ I share this with you to let you know, that though yes I am a happy person, I do feel and live life too. I have my trials and my ups and downs. Though through it all I know God is with me. I know that through all the trials I have endured, all that I will endure that this builds character. I was in church yesterday and the lesson was on how God's plan is often different than our own. This is so true. His plan does build character. his plan is hard and difficult and we must keep on keeping on. Even though I want to STOP, I WONT. I will keep going.
God's plan gives me energy to keep striving forward. I get tired. I get frustrated. I get upset. I cry. I weep. I cry. I get sad. But I also trust. I trust in the Lord. I trust that he will pull me through. I trust that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I trust that I will receive a blessing after my trial of faith. I don't know how. I don't. I HAVE NO CLUE. I JUST BELIEVE.
Isn't that what Christmas is about as well? Believing?
Also know that Change is Good. It is ok to change. Sometimes our dream get changed. God's dreams are harder than our dreams. god's dreams rarely involve comfort. Rarely is character building comfortable. To get there we will struggle, it will hurt, it will not be easy.
In the end though, it will be a blessing, it will be rewarding, and it will be satisfying!
You Can Do It!
I Believe in You!
God Does Too!
Now Believe in You Too!~
~Patricia Ann Hunter 12-12-2010