Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Shower

I lied in the shower today...staring at the water, watching the droplets of my life pour down the drain. Each little droplets as it ran down my leg. I looked at my fingers and noticed they were starting to prune. I was amazed at the thought that one could prune while sitting in the shower.

I started out sitting then let my body slide down into lying position and let myself drown in my sorrows of the water.My tears melded with the water so much so that I wasn't sure where the water from the shower ended and my tears began.

I watched further as the drops ran into the drain and ran away. That's what I want to do, just run away. Go where no one could find me. What would it matter anymore?

I am trying so hard and I know so is he. It doesn't stop me from feeling this turmoil, this pain of my life. I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis. I wake with migraines. I let him have the reins as not to bother him, make him feel like he needs to pander to me.Waiting, wanting, yearning...and now asking myself...who is this person I am becoming?

Why can't things be happy again? Why do they have to be so strained? Why can't they just be simple?

I was so happy when we were in the apartment, just us. Yes it was crowded but it was just me and him and we had each other.

I wish for so many things while I am lying here in the shower now.

Mostly, I just wish, my once favorite time of the year...was over...and I wish there was more hot water...