The last few weeks have been slightly rough for me. I know where I want to go in life. I know the direction I desires but I feel like it is just out of my grasp and I can't reach it. On top of that things have been a bit turbulent.
My kids called to harass me at Easter and call me names. Tell me how I have never been there for them and how I am abandoning them. My younger son is not happy because I am making him responsible for his life and I took back a computer I bought him. He has already trashed me on FB, called m 27 times in a row in 2 minutes and told me to F off. then he lied and said I threatened him which I didn't. In my motherly worry I called to make sure he was ok because someone threatened him only for him to yell and scream at me and not answer me about who threatened him so I assume it was a manipulative ploy. My other son got in the middle, believed him not me and I had to disown both of them for the time being. Gee, and people wonder why I don't want anymore kids. Hmm, seriously??? they say it would be different because this time I would get to raise them, blah blah, but honestly, I just want to live my life. I would consider Boys and Girls Club of America or being a Foster Parent perhaps but no thanks. I don't want anymore of my own. I have been walked on enough thanks.
My roommate decided that all of sudden now is when I need to start paying him back for help I have received in the past. I knew eventually the tension of me being here would wear thin and he stated for him it has. I am on unemployment, have no funding yet for my Non-Profit, and really have no where else to go. I went and stayed with a friend for a night and her and her spouse ended up arguing about the neighbors and I got in the middle and then he was mad at me. Lesson learned, stay out of other people's fights. :)
We had to close the Homeless Outreach for the All Day location because we had Fire Threats, Theft and issues that we were not legally ready for. Then on our last day a homeless gal fell over in faint and we couldn't wake her to talk to us so we had to call the Ambulance. Come to find out later she had high blood pressure and needs medicine. One more thing we were unaware of and need to get things in order. That day as well someone shaved themselves in the bathroom and clogged the sink without even thinking or using common sense to know not to do such a thing. I shook my head at it all, walked into my office and burst into tears. My office mate fully understood and was sympathetic because the Outreach has been quite an overwhelming task for us both and we had enough. The Director has to make the decision to have that part open or not, and that decision will base on how I move forward with my Homeless NP.
Then on Friday I was supposed to go out to a fancy dinner. The guy talked it up, made it sound so nice and because I knew him and he was a friend of my friend, I thought why not. Well, I should have thought, why would I. I knew he was arrogant and thinks high of himself but Mr.Douchebagtoolbox really took the cake. I always arrive a bit early so I was at the place a bit before 7 pm. While I am standing there I see two people I do business with in town. the hostess said the name was on the list so I waited. At 7:15 I tried to text the guy. Nothing. At 7:30pm I tried to call. No answer. I went back to the front and they said they told me the wrong name but there was no one by that name on reservation. I went outside and called his friend and his friend Mr.BumbleBeeMan was livid. he couldn't beleive his buddy did that, but even more so to me. I called Mr. Douchebagtoolbox and told him I hope he had fun standing me up and he won't even get another chance because I am fabulous and he is the one who missed out. I also said, I am not like any girl and you didn't break me so I hope it was good for you. I ended with "You're a tool"
Well, you add up my week, then that I was at my wit's end. I drove over to BB and DSW and was going to shop but saw Archiver's out of the corner of my eye. Mod Podging sounded much more appealing than just buying a pair of shoes. I called a friend who kind owed me money and was hoping to go have dinner there but he already had plans too. Poo. I left Archiver's went home, walked by my roommate without saying a word and slammed my door.
I ended up in tears in my closet with Soul Restoration music on. I wrote to my Brave Girls on FB and reached out like Melody taught me too. It helped a bit hearing good words from my Tribe of BG but the issues are still there. My life is not where I want at 41. I have to rely on others for financial support and my unemployment is almost out. then this week I found out the 3 contracts I was up for all went by by so I am back to square one.
Sigh. I reached out to Dionne the Tea Priestess for help with my Sigh, but I can't afford her either. i keep reading my Goddess Guidebook and my fellow wishcasters form Ridler Studios and doing all I can.
Saturday I knew the date wouldn't stand me up because it was more on the level of two friends getting together than a date, but I wasn't really sure. We talked in the day and me over in Ames since I was going to the Barn Dance anyway. I also was giving one of the homeless people a ride there so they could see their new baby. At least I had someone to talk to.
I had a nice time Saturday night and it was confirmed it was a friendly date. I told him about my blog and how I name everyone. He gave himself this name of Mr. Potatohead because he has prosthetic ears. We cracked up about that. He told me I had a big heart and that made me smile. We aren't compatible because we both have two many deal breakers of each other. I am not Catholic, I don't want kids and he isn't Protestant and wants kids. :)
I wasn't really looking for that anyway since I knew it was more of a friendly date, but it was good to reconfirm. We do have a lot in common since he has a NP and so do I. I tire of the dating scene already because it isn't what I really want but what I really want is not attainable. I guess that is life huh?
So that is my week. Crazy, huh?
Hope you all have a less crazy week than me.