Been hanging with my sister and her family. It has been good for me to get away but someing here always reminds me of how good I have it and that I DONT have to live here. the girls are always fighting, the parents bicker and it is a stesfful environment all around. But like now I am hiding out upstairs and it is good and quiet and peaceful. Too bad it cant alwys stay that way.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Back to me
So I live my life as days go by
and try not to cry or scream
the undersides of me are not allowed to come out
no one ever wants me
they only want the good parts
but don't want the parts that and underseen
they want the me that gives them what they want
but no one ever wants all of me
my heart is sad
I feel so hurt
why can't you jsut talk to me
when will the day come
that you feel safe
that you feel safe with me
you want the love
you want the sex
you want the care and concern
you want the commitment
you want the milk you just don't want me
and try not to cry or scream
the undersides of me are not allowed to come out
no one ever wants me
they only want the good parts
but don't want the parts that and underseen
they want the me that gives them what they want
but no one ever wants all of me
my heart is sad
I feel so hurt
why can't you jsut talk to me
when will the day come
that you feel safe
that you feel safe with me
you want the love
you want the sex
you want the care and concern
you want the commitment
you want the milk you just don't want me
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Session
The session went well tonight. I need to work on balancing my life again. When I was happy before I had more balance. Not neccessairly Control, but balance. I need to get back to church, read scriptures, pray, get involved in more evening activites as well and make new friends.
I definately am going out tomorrow night to the free concert and have that opportunity to hang out with some potential new friends and some not so new but not really old. Some people I met when I first arrived in the O!
Balance.
I definately am going out tomorrow night to the free concert and have that opportunity to hang out with some potential new friends and some not so new but not really old. Some people I met when I first arrived in the O!
Balance.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Abondonement and Attention Issues
Well, what a way to start off writing in 2008 right? Yeah I know but I need to write it down or I will scream. I went to the counselor last night. I started seeing her last week. Things aer going good. Last week we discussed the point that I over talk people because I don't feel validated when I talk. I have thought about that all week long and I think she is right. I think so many times people have pushed me away or out of the room, they don't ansswer me. I was told all through life "You're not old enough, you're not ready, you won't understand, you won...can't... or something along those lines. That could make me feel less validated in conversation.
So last week lesson = Validation, got it.
This week we discusses that a lot of the reasons why I run into someone elses arms is that I have abondonment issues. The reason why I feel lonely and alone is abandonment and attention. The reason why I want attention so much is the feeling of abondonment not really attention. I feel needy and ngelected but that goes back to abdon.
Well, hmm so lets see here...
my mother left us at age 6. (when I thought about that I started to cry because I thought "wow my kids are going to have abondment issues because of me. I left them at age 3 and 4. What a horrible things to inflic on your children)
Then mom bounced back and forth thru the next few years. Somewhere in 8 yr range I moved ot Califo where she was and lived with her. I knwo dad was in calif for a time but I can't remember if that is when he was there or not. I start kindergarten inIowa. REst of K in Ca, then 1st and aprt of 2nd.
Moved back to Iowa to finish 2nd.
Went on living in Iowa until 10 years old. I don't remember ever talking to my mom. I don't rememerb reciving letters form her, presents, a phone call, nothing. Now I am not saying she never did, but I don't remember them. The hunters got in the way a lot and so maybe she tried like I try with my kids but she couldnt get thu like I cant. maybe she never tried.
Someone in the year of 1980 she came back to Iowa. I often heard her and dad talking about getting back together. They would talk ont eh phone for hours. I would visit her from time to time in town.
One time I heard them talking and dad kept saying something about when he leaves. I asked him point blank if he was going anywhere. He said he wasn't planning on it but if something were to ever happen to him he wanted me to go live with my mom. I remember that conversation vividly as it was only one to two weeks before he died falling off a scaffolding putting up a HS scoreboard. I rememebr the white cord on the phone, I rememebr the shape and look of the phoen, I remem how he was leaning, what he was wearing. I remem.
I went to go live with my mom two weeks after his death. I tried to go to the country school but since my dad used to work there I couldnt handle it. I kept hearing keys and I would go running by only to see it wasnt him. You see I was with my dad on the last day of his life.
I woke up early that day and smelled grannys bread. Dada asked me if I wanted to go to school early with hima nd help out. I ate got dressed and went along. I loved to help him. I loved to hang with him. I was daddys little girl. I had to fight for attention of three other sisters, constant cousins and other relatives and friends. Most of the time I wened up out on the swing singing my songs to myself.
When they told me dad had been hurt I cried and cried. I asknowledged he was hurt. But since I was young they wouldnt let me see him. I wasnt old enough. He died Dec 7 and his funeral was dec 10th. He was a military man, a Vet so they did a 21 gun salute at the grave. Thru the whole thing I stared blankly. I never cried. I jsut stared there at the nothingness left in my life. I was in schock.I didn't beleive it.
My mom put me in counsleing, moved me to th local school to finish 5th grade. At the end of 5th she told me we were moving back to Cali. Even though I grew up there most of my life I never had that close knit of friends. I never had that ONE I talked to always and forever. I would say people were My best friends, but they never said that. They always had someone else they called that. Kids made fun of me in school and so I jsut stayed to myself. I didn't beleive my dad dies until I was 13 when my mom got remarried. Then I was out of counsleing.
I was introveert all through school. I liked to have fun and once you got to know me you couldnt shut me up, but it took awhile and I jsut never made solid friends. I was never ina click. I didn't really care too mcuh that I was leaving my friends, but then again I did.
WE moved and I had all NEW friends to try and socialize with. Every weekend we hung with her family so I mainly spent my time with cousins. my cuz Brenda and I were pretty tight but we lived far away. I nevr had a boyfriend in HS. I never went out on a date. Well, one I snuck away with, but we never kissed and became good friends. I think he is my best friend but he doesn't think I am his. Again, he calls someone else that. He tells me to my face I am his BF and I think he thinks that at times, but not like I do. I went to PRom alone, all the dances alone. My first kiss as one week away from my 18th bday. Then I nevr saw that guy again. While I hung with cousins and family I was molested and I think that played a huge part in my distrust for men and people in general. My mom often blew me off about it and so I didn't really get anywhere. She did put me in counseling again for a bit, but it was short.
At 18 someone I was dating date raped me in front of his friends who were drunk, high and on meth. I stayed with him because he was the only person who ever loved me and I thought I would nevr find anyone else. I started modeling at that time as well and came out of my sheel more and more. After that I started using guys to get what I want. I gave up sex without thinking about it. IF that's what they wanted so badly then fine take it. I thrived off the attention then and relished in all the attention men and other girls men gave to me. I went away to Europe as I planned and wehn I came back my mom had completely shut that guy out of my life. She resuced me. Shortly after I moved to Iowa, not 4 months later.
at 19 I got preggo with my 1st ex and we got married a year later. we met the month after I moved back to Iowa. Shortly thereafter we had another. I wanted otu the marriage and having another kid kept me there and I was very un happy. When I had my first I really had no clue how I got preganant. My mom tried to shelter me so much but yet all that did was hurt me. After my second I got tied. We separated and I went back and forth in my kids life. I relaized how much that had to mess them up, but hindsight is 20-20.
I slept with a few guys, lead some on, dumped others. I dated this one guy who was very much a pretty boy. He slicked his eyebrows and looked in the mirror constantly. he broke my heart. I spent what little moeny I had to go see him when he moved back home to San Fran. I spent a week with his family at his place, but I could tell something wasnt right. I heard him talking to another girl and I freaked out. I questioned him on it and we spent the rest of my trip away from each other. We had sex while I was there and it seemed like once he got what he wanted he moved on. He took me to the bus station and as the driver pulled away I was in tears. I jsut felt it. I knew. I got home a few days later and I called him. He wouldnt return my calls. Finally I called int he middle of the night at 1 am and his mother answered. She broke up with me for him over the phone. I was devasted. I lost my job, I put all his junk in a box and sent it to him.
That was the first and last time someone was ever going to leave me if I had my way about it. So far it has been. I leave and move on before someone can hurt me. I never want to feel that again.
I stayed there for awhile, got another job, but still had a hard time coping. I moved back to Cali lived with a firend until I got on my feet. I got involved with bad crap and ended up losing my job. I lived with my other sister in Cali and then was able to live on my own. It was the first time I ever earned my own wages and lived alone. I was 26. That whole year I was alone. I went ona few dates but nothing really. Nothing serous. I was ok being alone. I had a cat, I enjoyed my life. I finally quit worrying about things and then I met my last ex.
I met S in 1997. I wasn't looking, I was happy being single, I was happy with my work and my life. I was a bit lonely and I was hurt by some of the guys I knew saying I was only looking for a Baby daddy when I didn't have my kids. They were younger and I guess then I knew I didn't want anyone younger than me. Who would understand my life. Through a friend I met S and we hit it off right away. WE moved fast. 8 months after dating he proposed and at 10 months we were married. We were married for 10 years and it wasn't all bad but it wasn't all great either.
But I wasn't happy thru the years in the lack of attentiona and care he gave to me.
I went through major amounts of counseling and many of those times he didn't make time for the counseling whihc made me hurt even more. It showed to me that he didn't care about me. When their was a choice between his family, his daughter or me I was last on that list. That hurt and as years gre I felt more and more abonded by him as well.
I looked for that attention in many other places instead of wher eI should have. I had more than one affair and though I think somewhere deep down he knew he didnt want to know. I slept with someone else in our 2nd year of marriage, tried to buckle downa nd make the marriage work and was good for awahile. About year 5 we went back into counsleing but it wasn't progressive. I went searching again and foudn the attention I was looking for or so I thought. He was married as well as me so where was that going to go? no where. I stopped all communication and moved on. Year 5 he bought me a fancy ring and upgraded things in my life in many ways, but they were just THINGS they weren't LOVE, RESPECT, ETC. I was good for a few more years and then year 8 he and I founght hard. WE were both physically abuse and verbally. I had huge anger issues and really felt I needed something for us again. I was ready to walk and our bishop aked me to give therapy another try. I found a gal I really liked and we went, and I went. My anger controlled but S still put me last and once even left me sitting in the car for the hour we were supposed to be in therapy only to tell me later the other thing was more important talk ing to his boss and he couldn't get away, yet I was only an elevator ride away anda few steps to the car. WE bickered more and more. I don't remember the events leading up to the blow out but we got into it. I tried to push my way away from him and shoved him as hard as I could, he grabbed my arm and threw me down the stairs 2 flights. My heart broke and I jsut don't think I ever recoverd actually. I felt so betrayed by him doing that to me when he knew my ex hurt me physically numerous times. Who could do that to someone they loved? My heart closed off and I didn't want to be near him anymore. There were good days, but overall I wasn't happy.
On top of that my son commited a crime and it brought me down. We had a cahnce to go to I and I jumped at it. I thought "there I can get away. There I can survive and actually leave him. That was in OCtober 2006, we were in I for all of 2007. He lsot his assignment and my changed as well. His took him far away and I relished in the thought of not having him near I could finally breathe. I moved out of the hotel in May and met J in June. S was gone for 2 months by then.
I know I wasn't fair in telling him what was going on. He visited at the end of may and then in July. I asked him to leave in July and promptly drove to see J. I began talking to S about our marriage and thoguht he understood I wanted out. It didn't fully come to fruition until after I mvoed to Omaha to be near J. I was scared to death to move for J, but I felt it was worth the leap. Maybe it was too fast. Sometimes I think it would be better if I moved back away. S and I finally came to terms with him to sign the papers. Now I can move on.
J told me this weekend he liked being single and he wanted to date for 2 years. Now I really do want to mvoe away. The fact that we have now dated for 9 months and things are still so up in the air is weird for me, but I know it is healthy. I know I have a lot of issues to work out. I know he does too.
SO thru my life there were many reasons that would show that YES I have abondonment issues and yes I AM attention hungry. Now what?
So last week lesson = Validation, got it.
This week we discusses that a lot of the reasons why I run into someone elses arms is that I have abondonment issues. The reason why I feel lonely and alone is abandonment and attention. The reason why I want attention so much is the feeling of abondonment not really attention. I feel needy and ngelected but that goes back to abdon.
Well, hmm so lets see here...
my mother left us at age 6. (when I thought about that I started to cry because I thought "wow my kids are going to have abondment issues because of me. I left them at age 3 and 4. What a horrible things to inflic on your children)
Then mom bounced back and forth thru the next few years. Somewhere in 8 yr range I moved ot Califo where she was and lived with her. I knwo dad was in calif for a time but I can't remember if that is when he was there or not. I start kindergarten inIowa. REst of K in Ca, then 1st and aprt of 2nd.
Moved back to Iowa to finish 2nd.
Went on living in Iowa until 10 years old. I don't remember ever talking to my mom. I don't rememerb reciving letters form her, presents, a phone call, nothing. Now I am not saying she never did, but I don't remember them. The hunters got in the way a lot and so maybe she tried like I try with my kids but she couldnt get thu like I cant. maybe she never tried.
Someone in the year of 1980 she came back to Iowa. I often heard her and dad talking about getting back together. They would talk ont eh phone for hours. I would visit her from time to time in town.
One time I heard them talking and dad kept saying something about when he leaves. I asked him point blank if he was going anywhere. He said he wasn't planning on it but if something were to ever happen to him he wanted me to go live with my mom. I remember that conversation vividly as it was only one to two weeks before he died falling off a scaffolding putting up a HS scoreboard. I rememebr the white cord on the phone, I rememebr the shape and look of the phoen, I remem how he was leaning, what he was wearing. I remem.
I went to go live with my mom two weeks after his death. I tried to go to the country school but since my dad used to work there I couldnt handle it. I kept hearing keys and I would go running by only to see it wasnt him. You see I was with my dad on the last day of his life.
I woke up early that day and smelled grannys bread. Dada asked me if I wanted to go to school early with hima nd help out. I ate got dressed and went along. I loved to help him. I loved to hang with him. I was daddys little girl. I had to fight for attention of three other sisters, constant cousins and other relatives and friends. Most of the time I wened up out on the swing singing my songs to myself.
When they told me dad had been hurt I cried and cried. I asknowledged he was hurt. But since I was young they wouldnt let me see him. I wasnt old enough. He died Dec 7 and his funeral was dec 10th. He was a military man, a Vet so they did a 21 gun salute at the grave. Thru the whole thing I stared blankly. I never cried. I jsut stared there at the nothingness left in my life. I was in schock.I didn't beleive it.
My mom put me in counsleing, moved me to th local school to finish 5th grade. At the end of 5th she told me we were moving back to Cali. Even though I grew up there most of my life I never had that close knit of friends. I never had that ONE I talked to always and forever. I would say people were My best friends, but they never said that. They always had someone else they called that. Kids made fun of me in school and so I jsut stayed to myself. I didn't beleive my dad dies until I was 13 when my mom got remarried. Then I was out of counsleing.
I was introveert all through school. I liked to have fun and once you got to know me you couldnt shut me up, but it took awhile and I jsut never made solid friends. I was never ina click. I didn't really care too mcuh that I was leaving my friends, but then again I did.
WE moved and I had all NEW friends to try and socialize with. Every weekend we hung with her family so I mainly spent my time with cousins. my cuz Brenda and I were pretty tight but we lived far away. I nevr had a boyfriend in HS. I never went out on a date. Well, one I snuck away with, but we never kissed and became good friends. I think he is my best friend but he doesn't think I am his. Again, he calls someone else that. He tells me to my face I am his BF and I think he thinks that at times, but not like I do. I went to PRom alone, all the dances alone. My first kiss as one week away from my 18th bday. Then I nevr saw that guy again. While I hung with cousins and family I was molested and I think that played a huge part in my distrust for men and people in general. My mom often blew me off about it and so I didn't really get anywhere. She did put me in counseling again for a bit, but it was short.
At 18 someone I was dating date raped me in front of his friends who were drunk, high and on meth. I stayed with him because he was the only person who ever loved me and I thought I would nevr find anyone else. I started modeling at that time as well and came out of my sheel more and more. After that I started using guys to get what I want. I gave up sex without thinking about it. IF that's what they wanted so badly then fine take it. I thrived off the attention then and relished in all the attention men and other girls men gave to me. I went away to Europe as I planned and wehn I came back my mom had completely shut that guy out of my life. She resuced me. Shortly after I moved to Iowa, not 4 months later.
at 19 I got preggo with my 1st ex and we got married a year later. we met the month after I moved back to Iowa. Shortly thereafter we had another. I wanted otu the marriage and having another kid kept me there and I was very un happy. When I had my first I really had no clue how I got preganant. My mom tried to shelter me so much but yet all that did was hurt me. After my second I got tied. We separated and I went back and forth in my kids life. I relaized how much that had to mess them up, but hindsight is 20-20.
I slept with a few guys, lead some on, dumped others. I dated this one guy who was very much a pretty boy. He slicked his eyebrows and looked in the mirror constantly. he broke my heart. I spent what little moeny I had to go see him when he moved back home to San Fran. I spent a week with his family at his place, but I could tell something wasnt right. I heard him talking to another girl and I freaked out. I questioned him on it and we spent the rest of my trip away from each other. We had sex while I was there and it seemed like once he got what he wanted he moved on. He took me to the bus station and as the driver pulled away I was in tears. I jsut felt it. I knew. I got home a few days later and I called him. He wouldnt return my calls. Finally I called int he middle of the night at 1 am and his mother answered. She broke up with me for him over the phone. I was devasted. I lost my job, I put all his junk in a box and sent it to him.
That was the first and last time someone was ever going to leave me if I had my way about it. So far it has been. I leave and move on before someone can hurt me. I never want to feel that again.
I stayed there for awhile, got another job, but still had a hard time coping. I moved back to Cali lived with a firend until I got on my feet. I got involved with bad crap and ended up losing my job. I lived with my other sister in Cali and then was able to live on my own. It was the first time I ever earned my own wages and lived alone. I was 26. That whole year I was alone. I went ona few dates but nothing really. Nothing serous. I was ok being alone. I had a cat, I enjoyed my life. I finally quit worrying about things and then I met my last ex.
I met S in 1997. I wasn't looking, I was happy being single, I was happy with my work and my life. I was a bit lonely and I was hurt by some of the guys I knew saying I was only looking for a Baby daddy when I didn't have my kids. They were younger and I guess then I knew I didn't want anyone younger than me. Who would understand my life. Through a friend I met S and we hit it off right away. WE moved fast. 8 months after dating he proposed and at 10 months we were married. We were married for 10 years and it wasn't all bad but it wasn't all great either.
But I wasn't happy thru the years in the lack of attentiona and care he gave to me.
I went through major amounts of counseling and many of those times he didn't make time for the counseling whihc made me hurt even more. It showed to me that he didn't care about me. When their was a choice between his family, his daughter or me I was last on that list. That hurt and as years gre I felt more and more abonded by him as well.
I looked for that attention in many other places instead of wher eI should have. I had more than one affair and though I think somewhere deep down he knew he didnt want to know. I slept with someone else in our 2nd year of marriage, tried to buckle downa nd make the marriage work and was good for awahile. About year 5 we went back into counsleing but it wasn't progressive. I went searching again and foudn the attention I was looking for or so I thought. He was married as well as me so where was that going to go? no where. I stopped all communication and moved on. Year 5 he bought me a fancy ring and upgraded things in my life in many ways, but they were just THINGS they weren't LOVE, RESPECT, ETC. I was good for a few more years and then year 8 he and I founght hard. WE were both physically abuse and verbally. I had huge anger issues and really felt I needed something for us again. I was ready to walk and our bishop aked me to give therapy another try. I found a gal I really liked and we went, and I went. My anger controlled but S still put me last and once even left me sitting in the car for the hour we were supposed to be in therapy only to tell me later the other thing was more important talk ing to his boss and he couldn't get away, yet I was only an elevator ride away anda few steps to the car. WE bickered more and more. I don't remember the events leading up to the blow out but we got into it. I tried to push my way away from him and shoved him as hard as I could, he grabbed my arm and threw me down the stairs 2 flights. My heart broke and I jsut don't think I ever recoverd actually. I felt so betrayed by him doing that to me when he knew my ex hurt me physically numerous times. Who could do that to someone they loved? My heart closed off and I didn't want to be near him anymore. There were good days, but overall I wasn't happy.
On top of that my son commited a crime and it brought me down. We had a cahnce to go to I and I jumped at it. I thought "there I can get away. There I can survive and actually leave him. That was in OCtober 2006, we were in I for all of 2007. He lsot his assignment and my changed as well. His took him far away and I relished in the thought of not having him near I could finally breathe. I moved out of the hotel in May and met J in June. S was gone for 2 months by then.
I know I wasn't fair in telling him what was going on. He visited at the end of may and then in July. I asked him to leave in July and promptly drove to see J. I began talking to S about our marriage and thoguht he understood I wanted out. It didn't fully come to fruition until after I mvoed to Omaha to be near J. I was scared to death to move for J, but I felt it was worth the leap. Maybe it was too fast. Sometimes I think it would be better if I moved back away. S and I finally came to terms with him to sign the papers. Now I can move on.
J told me this weekend he liked being single and he wanted to date for 2 years. Now I really do want to mvoe away. The fact that we have now dated for 9 months and things are still so up in the air is weird for me, but I know it is healthy. I know I have a lot of issues to work out. I know he does too.
SO thru my life there were many reasons that would show that YES I have abondonment issues and yes I AM attention hungry. Now what?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Writing catching up
I realized I havent' been writing which for me usually is a good sign that things are going well in my life. JC said the same about his poetry but the more I thought about it I realized that was not a good thing. WE need to nurture the creative sides of ourselves. Perhaps I am thinking about this more because I am reading The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. I don't know. I do know I am very happy with JC. I dare to say crazy happy. HE is so funny and nice and he amkes me laugh. there are issues that concern me but I am trying hard to take it out of my hands and not allow them to bother me. They are so minute it doesnt matter anyway.
Mostly I feel so much passion for him I feel like I am going to burst! I rarely felt this way with him and even when I did it was in the beginning. There isn't anyoen else for me but JC, or so I feel. I hope things continue moving forward. I am scred out of my gourd because it is all so fresh right out of the relationship but JC and I are there for each other and it is nice.
Although sometimes I wonder if he really is there for me as much I need. He makes so maany jokes when I need him to be there and be serious. I know he is trying to make me smile and be happy but there are times I need to feel.
I do truly care about him and hope we can move forward in life. I want to know more about him and know more about his family. I can't beleive we are already taking a trip together. Others say I am predictable about that and that whenever I take a trip it is with someone. special to me.
I can't wait until one day we can be together. Then JC can fully be on our own, no more drama. No more issues. Jsut life. Jsut happiness. Is that too much to ask?
Mostly I feel so much passion for him I feel like I am going to burst! I rarely felt this way with him and even when I did it was in the beginning. There isn't anyoen else for me but JC, or so I feel. I hope things continue moving forward. I am scred out of my gourd because it is all so fresh right out of the relationship but JC and I are there for each other and it is nice.
Although sometimes I wonder if he really is there for me as much I need. He makes so maany jokes when I need him to be there and be serious. I know he is trying to make me smile and be happy but there are times I need to feel.
I do truly care about him and hope we can move forward in life. I want to know more about him and know more about his family. I can't beleive we are already taking a trip together. Others say I am predictable about that and that whenever I take a trip it is with someone. special to me.
I can't wait until one day we can be together. Then JC can fully be on our own, no more drama. No more issues. Jsut life. Jsut happiness. Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
National Convention
Well, Im off to National Convention...hope to have a good week. I need a break and this seems liek a fun event. Iwill get a fair amoutn of training plus be a part of something real not HS like the chapter here is.
I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.
I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.
So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.
I have a hard time dealing with what is going on with N. I want to be supportive but I don't want to be guilted into being there for him always. The poly is scientific and I jsut can't see it is being a set up but I never know what to beleive inthis town in this place.
I know I take in part in this but he still is the one who made these choices and decisions not me. Does he have a conscience at all? Does he even care? Does he have any empathy? Is he a liar? I don't know but if this truly is the person he is I can't do it. I hope that doesn't sound wrong or bad as aprent but I jsut can't.I know why parents disown thier kids at times like this.
So this week I am off to go to Nationals, think of nothing, hang out, have fun, enjoy myself, make new friends, and have a life of my own. I need to have a life of my own.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
What a week
This has been a crazy week lately. Issues with a Professional organization I am a part of. Someone walking out. Friends being in the middle. Another friend calling srying over parental issues. Car shopping. Bill paying. Busy at work. Parental guilt issues on my side. And then...my son...again.
N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.
I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.
I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.
N failed his poly AGAIN. I don't even know if I know what to feel or think or act. I am currently looking at a car and having it checked out. while I am waiting they have the internet. After this is over then I am going to see N. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do. He says he isn't hiding but the Polygrapher asked him mutiple questions this time and he failed all of them. It IS scientific which is why they use it so why did he fail all of the questions? I don't know. All I know is I moved here for him. I uprooted my life for him. I live for my kids and the never ending story is that you sacrifice your life fo ryour kids and they don't appreciate it and don't understand until they have a life of their own and get hurt themselves.
I have no clue how my visit will go. I had no original plans to go see my mom last night but changed things around. I had no idea nate was going to take his poly but he did. I had no idea he would fail but he did. I had no idea that this weekend I would end up feeling hurt all over again.
I better sign off soon as the keyboard is very cliky and I think I am driving the other guests crazy with my typing. I will update you further on the visit.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Sides
I hate it when your friends say crap to you like, "You know I can't take sides" because really what they are doing IS taking sides with the other person they jsut won't side with you. So because you are a new friend in thier life they couldn't dare side to you over the old friend in thier life so they "cop out" and say they "can't take sides" but that is not true. They "choose" not to take sides because they don't want to be put in the middle.
But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.
I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?
I don't jsut want to vent.
I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.
I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?
I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.
But I don't think it is wrong to take sides to each level of each person. I am sure that not both parties are correct and they each have issues for and against on thier own side. Why can't the person int he middle say, "I can see where you are coming from?" I am sure they would be able to see that, right? No I guess not.
I get that the friend has been a friend for years, but what am I chopped liver?
I don't jsut want to vent.
I want support, understanding and validation for what I am feeling, thinking, doing.
I already have someone in my life who does not give me that. I don't want to be with people who treats me as bad as he does. I want thier support. Do I have to go through everything by myself, for the rest of my life, always?
I feel more and more like the answer to that is yes.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)
HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN ? (Bryan Adams)
To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.
To really love a woman
To understand her
You gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought
See every dream
And give her wings when she wants to fly
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
To really love a woman
Let her hold you
Do you know how she needs to be touched ?
You gotta breath her
Really taste her
To you can feel her in your blood
Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that you’ll always be together
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
You got to give her some faith
Hold her tight
A little tenderness
You gotta treat her right
She’ll be there for you
Taking good care of you
You really gotta love your woman
And when you find yourself
Lying helpless in her arms
You know you really love a woman
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s really wanted
When you love a woman
You tell her that she’s the one
She needs somebody
To tell her that it’s gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman
Just tell me have you ever really
Really really ever loved a woman.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The Big Talk-CC
S and I spoke yesterday morning. He said he wanted to really talk to me about the divorce and asked if he coudl call me in the evening. I said ok. He called last night and we talked and talked. I will say him having read Crucial Conversations has been better for us which is good as the marriage is not over yet and we do still have a business together.
We talked about the fact that we have not been in dialogue for 10 years (the book talks about this). We talked about how we made decisions and how wrong it was, how we need to make deicisions now and that we both usually want Consesus Decision Deciding (book). We then little by little delved into the deeper heavier weightier matters. I told him how I had been thinking of leaving him befor eI ever came out to Iowa, how I was unhappy long before, how since our last arguement in July I took my wedding ring off and haven't worn it is with the exception of when I went to NY with him, and then took it off again when I came home, I told him I was somewhat dating other people already, I told him how I don't know if I can wait any longer for him to treat me right.
Of course all 0f these things were not easy for him to hear, but we made it through. There were moments of tears on either part but our Mutual Pruppose was to get through the dialogue and stay talking and it helped. By the end we were discusssing the things I was doing for the business and any options if these things didn't work out for me. WE discussed out finances and him starting another business for me to pay into corp to corp for the work he does and he agreed.
We always talked about him not being a aprt of my blogs and him not being a aprt of my life. He asked if I would let him inmy life like my friends are and I said no. We talked about my life and things I have been hiding and how I do not feel as if I can be true to myself. He asked what that meant and I discussed E and lunches and emails I have as E has been my friend for years. He was open about it and understood. He said he doesn't want me to hide away and he wants me to have the life Iw ant. He wants me to have my friends even if he doesn't agree. But he would like to be a part of my blogs and I told him that I did not want himt o be a aprt of that as it is mine and it is my way to unload about my life and him and other things I am feeling.
It was not an easy discussion but it went ok. I am sure hearing I don't wear his ring, and that I am dating was not easy. He knows I don't love him and I don't have feelings for him. He also knows that I am not willing to wait now that he is changing. He also talked with me about how I feel that he looks at me as this evil person about the divorce and that I am not that. He said he doesn't look at me that way, but he is hurt by many of the things said.
The talk ended with us agreeing to talk more, but that both of us understood why divorce is looming and why and how we arrived at this point in our lives. I know it was hard and I really didn't want to "talk" about it, but the mature thing to do is talking about it so I did. The outcome was good, though I know it isn't what he wanted to hear.
Afterwards I took a long bath listening to Colbie Caiilat and jsut sat there thinking about everything. The talk was a good talk but it didn't change the way I feel. I don't love him, I don't feel anything for him, I am not attracted to him, I don't want to wait anymore for him to change.
I'm tired of waiting. I want "Somebody to love" and I want all of the things in that song right now. I think I can have that. He is NOT that. Those are facts. I deserve Somebody to love and I deserve Somebody who treats me right, right now.
That's fair isn't it?
We talked about the fact that we have not been in dialogue for 10 years (the book talks about this). We talked about how we made decisions and how wrong it was, how we need to make deicisions now and that we both usually want Consesus Decision Deciding (book). We then little by little delved into the deeper heavier weightier matters. I told him how I had been thinking of leaving him befor eI ever came out to Iowa, how I was unhappy long before, how since our last arguement in July I took my wedding ring off and haven't worn it is with the exception of when I went to NY with him, and then took it off again when I came home, I told him I was somewhat dating other people already, I told him how I don't know if I can wait any longer for him to treat me right.
Of course all 0f these things were not easy for him to hear, but we made it through. There were moments of tears on either part but our Mutual Pruppose was to get through the dialogue and stay talking and it helped. By the end we were discusssing the things I was doing for the business and any options if these things didn't work out for me. WE discussed out finances and him starting another business for me to pay into corp to corp for the work he does and he agreed.
We always talked about him not being a aprt of my blogs and him not being a aprt of my life. He asked if I would let him inmy life like my friends are and I said no. We talked about my life and things I have been hiding and how I do not feel as if I can be true to myself. He asked what that meant and I discussed E and lunches and emails I have as E has been my friend for years. He was open about it and understood. He said he doesn't want me to hide away and he wants me to have the life Iw ant. He wants me to have my friends even if he doesn't agree. But he would like to be a part of my blogs and I told him that I did not want himt o be a aprt of that as it is mine and it is my way to unload about my life and him and other things I am feeling.
It was not an easy discussion but it went ok. I am sure hearing I don't wear his ring, and that I am dating was not easy. He knows I don't love him and I don't have feelings for him. He also knows that I am not willing to wait now that he is changing. He also talked with me about how I feel that he looks at me as this evil person about the divorce and that I am not that. He said he doesn't look at me that way, but he is hurt by many of the things said.
The talk ended with us agreeing to talk more, but that both of us understood why divorce is looming and why and how we arrived at this point in our lives. I know it was hard and I really didn't want to "talk" about it, but the mature thing to do is talking about it so I did. The outcome was good, though I know it isn't what he wanted to hear.
Afterwards I took a long bath listening to Colbie Caiilat and jsut sat there thinking about everything. The talk was a good talk but it didn't change the way I feel. I don't love him, I don't feel anything for him, I am not attracted to him, I don't want to wait anymore for him to change.
I'm tired of waiting. I want "Somebody to love" and I want all of the things in that song right now. I think I can have that. He is NOT that. Those are facts. I deserve Somebody to love and I deserve Somebody who treats me right, right now.
That's fair isn't it?
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Defy Gravity
This music really speaks to me about what is going on in my life and how I feel about my business. It is teh mucis from Wicked Defy Gravity
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...
It's time to try defying gravity
It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's loveIt comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravityI'm flying high, defying gravity
Tell them how I am defying gravityI'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thoughts after the weekend
I am so tired. It is now after 3 am. I can't sleep. I cry and cry and cry. Some say I am insecure. I disagree. I am going through the hardest times in my life. I can't be strong forever. I want to show someone the underside of me. But if I do, if I show concern for the things in my life then my insecurities show. Do I ever get someone to lean onto? Is there ever going to be someone there who truly understands me? Is there every going to be anyone who gets my life? Who treats me the way I need to be treated and desire to be treated? I am a strong person, but even strong people need somebody sometimes. Everybody needs somebody sometimes.
I hate this. I hate this year. It has jsut been so DAMN HARD! I want to shout at the world! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The marriage has barely been holding on. Then when my son got in trouble I think what little strands were holding it together either got cut or fell apart.
I have to be there for N. I have to help A feel loved and good about himself. I have to be strong for S. On top of that, be strong for me. Run a business, hope it all works out, hope I don't have to go back to working for someone else. Keep moving forward. Change, grow, be a better mom, be a better person. Be strong for everyone. I sacrifice. We learn from our parents and my mother sacrificed all her life. I guess I follow in her footsteps.
It is all so exhausting yet I can't sleep. The bed is lonely. The sounds of the thoughts inside my head haunt me. Am I cruel? Am I being mean? I'm not wanting to be. Is it more cruel to lead on a lie or more cruel to tell the truth? Im screwed either way. I feel like this is a Sucker Choice. I can't win either way. This weekend was so damn hard. Did it HAVE to be that hard? GEEZ.
I have so much to think about. My mom is leaving soon. I thought I would be able to leave him sooner than now. I waited til she came home, but then all hell broke loose with N. I know it was wrong, but I used S. He isn't great comfort but he was something. Crying alone is not fun. But then when I REALLY needed him, he wasn't there for me. He showed me through his actions that I was not at the top of his list. On the way home I didn't know what to do. I cried so hard at times I had to pull off the side of the road. I talked to my mom, to R, to my other friends. But all in all I was still alone. Left alone to deal with N and all my thoughts. That was the hardest drive home I have had in a long time.
More tears. More and more tears fall as I write here, in my poetry, more tears fall when I listen to music and when I don't. I guess this is the time for tears. The pain of having to hurt someone else is so hard to bear. I hate myself for that. I hate being that person. But I hate lying am who I am even more. I'm scared as hell. and so what if that makes me insecure right now. Who isn't scared when they are getting a divorce? Only the bitches. I'm not one of them. I wish I was.
More tears... why can't I be one of the bitches? Because that's not who I am.
I am a good person. I am good to other people. My friends from HS and now all say I treat them good, I make them feel special, I make them happy. They say I am different than other people. My vendors say I am a different client than other people. I care. I show concern. I'm not demanding. My friends say I am unique. Country girl charm mixed with big city style and a Jackie O grace and presence. Deep down I am good. I know I am good. That kindness in my heart is what hurts me so right now. I know I am hurting S and I want so much to make it all better, but I can't. I jsut can't. I DONT LOVE HIM. I FEEL NOTHING.
I can't always make it all better. This is going to be hard. I have to do it. Sigh. I'm already alone so it's not that. It's jsut...it hurts to hurt another...
why can't I jsut be a bitch about it...
I hate this. I hate this year. It has jsut been so DAMN HARD! I want to shout at the world! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The marriage has barely been holding on. Then when my son got in trouble I think what little strands were holding it together either got cut or fell apart.
I have to be there for N. I have to help A feel loved and good about himself. I have to be strong for S. On top of that, be strong for me. Run a business, hope it all works out, hope I don't have to go back to working for someone else. Keep moving forward. Change, grow, be a better mom, be a better person. Be strong for everyone. I sacrifice. We learn from our parents and my mother sacrificed all her life. I guess I follow in her footsteps.
It is all so exhausting yet I can't sleep. The bed is lonely. The sounds of the thoughts inside my head haunt me. Am I cruel? Am I being mean? I'm not wanting to be. Is it more cruel to lead on a lie or more cruel to tell the truth? Im screwed either way. I feel like this is a Sucker Choice. I can't win either way. This weekend was so damn hard. Did it HAVE to be that hard? GEEZ.
I have so much to think about. My mom is leaving soon. I thought I would be able to leave him sooner than now. I waited til she came home, but then all hell broke loose with N. I know it was wrong, but I used S. He isn't great comfort but he was something. Crying alone is not fun. But then when I REALLY needed him, he wasn't there for me. He showed me through his actions that I was not at the top of his list. On the way home I didn't know what to do. I cried so hard at times I had to pull off the side of the road. I talked to my mom, to R, to my other friends. But all in all I was still alone. Left alone to deal with N and all my thoughts. That was the hardest drive home I have had in a long time.
More tears. More and more tears fall as I write here, in my poetry, more tears fall when I listen to music and when I don't. I guess this is the time for tears. The pain of having to hurt someone else is so hard to bear. I hate myself for that. I hate being that person. But I hate lying am who I am even more. I'm scared as hell. and so what if that makes me insecure right now. Who isn't scared when they are getting a divorce? Only the bitches. I'm not one of them. I wish I was.
More tears... why can't I be one of the bitches? Because that's not who I am.
I am a good person. I am good to other people. My friends from HS and now all say I treat them good, I make them feel special, I make them happy. They say I am different than other people. My vendors say I am a different client than other people. I care. I show concern. I'm not demanding. My friends say I am unique. Country girl charm mixed with big city style and a Jackie O grace and presence. Deep down I am good. I know I am good. That kindness in my heart is what hurts me so right now. I know I am hurting S and I want so much to make it all better, but I can't. I jsut can't. I DONT LOVE HIM. I FEEL NOTHING.
I can't always make it all better. This is going to be hard. I have to do it. Sigh. I'm already alone so it's not that. It's jsut...it hurts to hurt another...
why can't I jsut be a bitch about it...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Weekend
This weekend was crazy. It was filled with moments of happiness intertwined with delusions of hell mixed in with a little salt to rub into the wounds. Did you get that?
I don't know why I went. I didn't feel like I could just walk away at this point. I wanted to. I wanted to be mean and cruel and just heartless and maybe that would make it all easier. If I didn't care whether or not I hurt another wouldn't that be easier? Maybe, but being true to myself through all of this is important to me and doing things like that would not be true to me. I am not a mean, cruel, vengeful, vicious, mean person. I can't just walk away cold and leave someone there to fend for themselves.
I recognized that he is trying. I also knew that I need to try and keep him happy through this and if that means walking on eggshells then so be it. Or so I thought. The good news is he is finally reading Crucial Conversations. The bad news is he is reading Crucial Conversations. The reason that is good and bad is that he wanted to have them all weekend long.
We came out understanding the other which is what the point is. A CC is not to agree or disagree is to understand the other person. I think mostly we did. The problem there is that we don't agree. We don't share the same views, values or feelings.
I don't love him. I have no emotional feelings to him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. If he put his arms around me, it seemed no different than wrapping my own arms around myself. If he looked into my eyes, I could look back, but he was thinking how much he loved me and I was thinking how much I didn't. Then when he wanted more, I hurt his feelings because I didn't want the same. How could I give myself to someone fully when I didn't even want to give myself to him partially? I knew it would hurt, but to me leading him on would have been worse.
Now I have a lot to think about. We talked some more this morning about the business and what would happen if we divorced. I really don't want to think about things in that way as it feels so shallow, but a mature decision is required here and we both need to be thinking rational, reasonable and decent like the book says.
He got so angry at me and started screaming at me over the phone and being very mean and cruel in his words when we were discussing this. I am so tired of being yelled at, taking the blame, and waiting for someone to be there in my life. Waiting for someone to talk to me with decency, for someone to talk to me like I have a brain and I am smart, like I matter to them and like I am worth being talked to with respect. I get so frustrated about that. Yes, he is changing but his levels of change are so far behind mine.
I asked him to stop yelling at me and talking to me that way. He stopped and then started crying and saying why would I want to be with him when he is so mean. What do I say? He has a point. He talks down to me so much. He treats me like a child one day then a mom to him the next.
The truth is that when I am with him I feel absolutely nothing. He is just like hanging out with a friend or a roommate. I used to think it was that I didn't have the passion he had. I thought I didn't know how to feel that way, but I know that not to be true. I don't feel that way towards him.
There is this song I keep thinking of my Depeche Mode called Somebody. I think it stands out in my mind as it is how I feel and what I want.
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll (He’ll) get my support
She (He) will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Sh’ell (He’ll) hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll (he’ll) often disagree
But at the end of it all
She (He) will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....
I don't know if my expectations are really that high, but I often wonder if they are out of reach...
I don't know why I went. I didn't feel like I could just walk away at this point. I wanted to. I wanted to be mean and cruel and just heartless and maybe that would make it all easier. If I didn't care whether or not I hurt another wouldn't that be easier? Maybe, but being true to myself through all of this is important to me and doing things like that would not be true to me. I am not a mean, cruel, vengeful, vicious, mean person. I can't just walk away cold and leave someone there to fend for themselves.
I recognized that he is trying. I also knew that I need to try and keep him happy through this and if that means walking on eggshells then so be it. Or so I thought. The good news is he is finally reading Crucial Conversations. The bad news is he is reading Crucial Conversations. The reason that is good and bad is that he wanted to have them all weekend long.
We came out understanding the other which is what the point is. A CC is not to agree or disagree is to understand the other person. I think mostly we did. The problem there is that we don't agree. We don't share the same views, values or feelings.
I don't love him. I have no emotional feelings to him. When he kisses me I feel nothing. If he put his arms around me, it seemed no different than wrapping my own arms around myself. If he looked into my eyes, I could look back, but he was thinking how much he loved me and I was thinking how much I didn't. Then when he wanted more, I hurt his feelings because I didn't want the same. How could I give myself to someone fully when I didn't even want to give myself to him partially? I knew it would hurt, but to me leading him on would have been worse.
Now I have a lot to think about. We talked some more this morning about the business and what would happen if we divorced. I really don't want to think about things in that way as it feels so shallow, but a mature decision is required here and we both need to be thinking rational, reasonable and decent like the book says.
He got so angry at me and started screaming at me over the phone and being very mean and cruel in his words when we were discussing this. I am so tired of being yelled at, taking the blame, and waiting for someone to be there in my life. Waiting for someone to talk to me with decency, for someone to talk to me like I have a brain and I am smart, like I matter to them and like I am worth being talked to with respect. I get so frustrated about that. Yes, he is changing but his levels of change are so far behind mine.
I asked him to stop yelling at me and talking to me that way. He stopped and then started crying and saying why would I want to be with him when he is so mean. What do I say? He has a point. He talks down to me so much. He treats me like a child one day then a mom to him the next.
The truth is that when I am with him I feel absolutely nothing. He is just like hanging out with a friend or a roommate. I used to think it was that I didn't have the passion he had. I thought I didn't know how to feel that way, but I know that not to be true. I don't feel that way towards him.
There is this song I keep thinking of my Depeche Mode called Somebody. I think it stands out in my mind as it is how I feel and what I want.
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll (He’ll) get my support
She (He) will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Sh’ell (He’ll) hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll (he’ll) often disagree
But at the end of it all
She (He) will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....
I don't know if my expectations are really that high, but I often wonder if they are out of reach...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Backing Off
I'd like to say Im better and in some respects I am. I am not as wallowing as I was earlier last week. Last week I wanted to shoot myself. You would have thought it was a PMS week but it wasn't. I was told how self centered and selfish Iw as. Then other people I know confirmed those thoughts. Then I had a talk with a friend who pretty much told me I was pushing too hard to be in thier life.
So what is my outcome on that? Backing off is what everyone always asks me to do. C, J, S, R, E,you name it, someone has told me. I don't know why I am so Attnetion hungry. All I can figure is for years no one ever did. Now so many did and do that when it is gone it is like the high is gone.
Reality is this "If you aren't paying attention to me, someone else will" So now here's the hard part. Yes, other people can pay attention to me, but then I have to be the one to allow it. And if I value my friendships with certain people I can't allow that to happen. As well, they may pay attention to me, but why are they doing so? I know why mostly, and I don't want that so I end up alone. I don't want to be alone.
I have been alone in a dead, loveless marriage for almost 10 years. I can sit right next to him and feel alone. I want SO much to sit next to a person and feel like they want me near them. Not for SEX, but because they truly and genuinely want to be near me as a person. They like who I am. They want to be around me.
I know I move fast on my friends. I share too much, I am too much and the drama of my life is too much for most. I need to back off. I need to give other space and let them lead their lives and have separate lives. I am doing that now. It is hard. It is lonely. It is life.
I am still happy and fun. I still enjoy life. I am replacing this void with other things now like Exercising and becoming fit. I am working on (almost said trying) pulling away from the computer as well. After I write this blog I am goign to make some food, sit down and watch Tv, read a few books, and RELAX.
Someone told me that recently and though it frustrated me that they said it, I concur it was a well needed statement. I work too much and I sit in front of the computer too much. If you want to know where to find me, most will say "On the computer".
Well, til now. This year has been about changes. About progressing and becoming a better person. I love to learn and grow and change. Just usually not all at once, but maybe that is what we need sometimes. Growing pains are real in life.
I am working on having a life of my own. Making new friends. Spending time with me. Relaxing. Taking a break from 80 hour work weeks. Obtaining sleep. I need to learn to be satisfied with not talking to my friends everyday. I do feel that satisfied=settled and I don't want to be settled right now. I want to enjoy and savor life. I want someone to do that with me. I want someone in my life that wants to do things, see things, hear things in life.
I want someone who wants what I want and enjoys what I want and wants to be with me. I am willing to back off friends and learn about all these things on my own. But eventually I do want someoen to come along for the ride. S had that chance and he lost it. He may not even know it right now, but he has.
I am going to NY to keep him happy. I am going to try and relax and enjoy myself. But running away from the issues does not solve them. I will make the most of my time. I hope we get along. I hope we are decent to each other. He has been reading CC and it has made a difference. But not enough for me to stay. I don't like being alone, but I like being a poor marriage less, because irrovocably I am alone anyway. So, this trip is a relaxing trip. I hope. I have no expectations. I do have reservations and I told him so.
We will see what the future will hold...on all avenues...5th and otherwise.
So what is my outcome on that? Backing off is what everyone always asks me to do. C, J, S, R, E,you name it, someone has told me. I don't know why I am so Attnetion hungry. All I can figure is for years no one ever did. Now so many did and do that when it is gone it is like the high is gone.
Reality is this "If you aren't paying attention to me, someone else will" So now here's the hard part. Yes, other people can pay attention to me, but then I have to be the one to allow it. And if I value my friendships with certain people I can't allow that to happen. As well, they may pay attention to me, but why are they doing so? I know why mostly, and I don't want that so I end up alone. I don't want to be alone.
I have been alone in a dead, loveless marriage for almost 10 years. I can sit right next to him and feel alone. I want SO much to sit next to a person and feel like they want me near them. Not for SEX, but because they truly and genuinely want to be near me as a person. They like who I am. They want to be around me.
I know I move fast on my friends. I share too much, I am too much and the drama of my life is too much for most. I need to back off. I need to give other space and let them lead their lives and have separate lives. I am doing that now. It is hard. It is lonely. It is life.
I am still happy and fun. I still enjoy life. I am replacing this void with other things now like Exercising and becoming fit. I am working on (almost said trying) pulling away from the computer as well. After I write this blog I am goign to make some food, sit down and watch Tv, read a few books, and RELAX.
Someone told me that recently and though it frustrated me that they said it, I concur it was a well needed statement. I work too much and I sit in front of the computer too much. If you want to know where to find me, most will say "On the computer".
Well, til now. This year has been about changes. About progressing and becoming a better person. I love to learn and grow and change. Just usually not all at once, but maybe that is what we need sometimes. Growing pains are real in life.
I am working on having a life of my own. Making new friends. Spending time with me. Relaxing. Taking a break from 80 hour work weeks. Obtaining sleep. I need to learn to be satisfied with not talking to my friends everyday. I do feel that satisfied=settled and I don't want to be settled right now. I want to enjoy and savor life. I want someone to do that with me. I want someone in my life that wants to do things, see things, hear things in life.
I want someone who wants what I want and enjoys what I want and wants to be with me. I am willing to back off friends and learn about all these things on my own. But eventually I do want someoen to come along for the ride. S had that chance and he lost it. He may not even know it right now, but he has.
I am going to NY to keep him happy. I am going to try and relax and enjoy myself. But running away from the issues does not solve them. I will make the most of my time. I hope we get along. I hope we are decent to each other. He has been reading CC and it has made a difference. But not enough for me to stay. I don't like being alone, but I like being a poor marriage less, because irrovocably I am alone anyway. So, this trip is a relaxing trip. I hope. I have no expectations. I do have reservations and I told him so.
We will see what the future will hold...on all avenues...5th and otherwise.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
I cried
I cried all night.
I cried myself to sleep.
Who wants to hear the worst things about themselves and then have someone else confirm it?
not.
I cried myself to sleep.
Who wants to hear the worst things about themselves and then have someone else confirm it?
not.
Invisible to Everyone
Ironic that I looked at my Yahoo Messenger and I was bsuy today so I marked it as "Invisible to Everyone"and the more I think about it, the more I truly do feel that way. I feel as if the world is moving around me and bumping into me but no one sees me, no one cares. If I dare speak out for attention my friends say I am attention hungry.
I had lunch with a friend today who told me I was being selfish and self-centered. OUCH! Wow. I didn't see that one coming. That hit me like a frieght train. We talked and I spoke of how I was teh baby of the family and always felt like I was clawing my way to receive attention from family members. When I was in High School I never received any attention from people as I was shy and a wallflower. I had a few friends, but nothing major. They always made it a point to say someone else was their Best Friend not me. Guys didn't notice me or wanted to go out with me even when I had the guts and courage to ask them.
Once I did start dating I had little by little pulled out of my shell. I started modeling for Teen and Seventeen magazine and had money so I could buy nice clothes. I remember the first time someone really noticed me and it felt so good. I was at my friend E's apt and one of his friends came through the door and jsut stared at me. E introduced him and the guy said, "Wow. You are incredibly gorgeous." Of course this caught me off guard, but nontheless I loved it and eated it up. Why not? I spent years with no one seeing me and now someone finally did.
I have been through a lot in my life and have been hurt often. I used to be a player and walked around stomping on guy's hearts without a care in the world. To me, that was selfish and self-centered. But for someone to say that to me now made me really think.
I realized that I am currently attention hungry. I was overweighht a few years ago and finally have lost some of that. I have my own business and walk with my head held high. I have confidence in myslef and am proud of my life and the way I look.
As well I have a lot going on and have to do it all by myself. Even with S around sitting in the room I could feel lonely. Read my blogs you will see what I mean. I NEED attention right now. And then, there's the new friends inmy life that I thought understood, yet instead agree and wanted to tell me it was getting out of hand yet this is a person that o0riginally said they were "too much" telling me I am "too much". NICE.
I know I am not invisible. I know people see me. I know I am pretty and beautiful. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I truly care about other people. I give my friendship and everything I do my all. All I ask is for some attention in return.
But I guess I am jsut being a self centered, selfish person. It hurts for my friends to say that. and though I realize that what M said has some beaing and truth to it, the fact the someone else who normally is that way backed that thought process up, hurt my feeling more than anythign else. In addition to the fact that S in the last month told me the same thing.
Well, hey...I will tell you all what...I won't ask for attnetion, I will pull back, I will not seek you out, I will go abut my day all by myself, like I often do and often have to. People see all I do and say I can't do it myself, but I can and Iw ill becaus eI wouldnt want to burden anyoen else by being there for me.
I had lunch with a friend today who told me I was being selfish and self-centered. OUCH! Wow. I didn't see that one coming. That hit me like a frieght train. We talked and I spoke of how I was teh baby of the family and always felt like I was clawing my way to receive attention from family members. When I was in High School I never received any attention from people as I was shy and a wallflower. I had a few friends, but nothing major. They always made it a point to say someone else was their Best Friend not me. Guys didn't notice me or wanted to go out with me even when I had the guts and courage to ask them.
Once I did start dating I had little by little pulled out of my shell. I started modeling for Teen and Seventeen magazine and had money so I could buy nice clothes. I remember the first time someone really noticed me and it felt so good. I was at my friend E's apt and one of his friends came through the door and jsut stared at me. E introduced him and the guy said, "Wow. You are incredibly gorgeous." Of course this caught me off guard, but nontheless I loved it and eated it up. Why not? I spent years with no one seeing me and now someone finally did.
I have been through a lot in my life and have been hurt often. I used to be a player and walked around stomping on guy's hearts without a care in the world. To me, that was selfish and self-centered. But for someone to say that to me now made me really think.
I realized that I am currently attention hungry. I was overweighht a few years ago and finally have lost some of that. I have my own business and walk with my head held high. I have confidence in myslef and am proud of my life and the way I look.
As well I have a lot going on and have to do it all by myself. Even with S around sitting in the room I could feel lonely. Read my blogs you will see what I mean. I NEED attention right now. And then, there's the new friends inmy life that I thought understood, yet instead agree and wanted to tell me it was getting out of hand yet this is a person that o0riginally said they were "too much" telling me I am "too much". NICE.
I know I am not invisible. I know people see me. I know I am pretty and beautiful. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. I truly care about other people. I give my friendship and everything I do my all. All I ask is for some attention in return.
But I guess I am jsut being a self centered, selfish person. It hurts for my friends to say that. and though I realize that what M said has some beaing and truth to it, the fact the someone else who normally is that way backed that thought process up, hurt my feeling more than anythign else. In addition to the fact that S in the last month told me the same thing.
Well, hey...I will tell you all what...I won't ask for attnetion, I will pull back, I will not seek you out, I will go abut my day all by myself, like I often do and often have to. People see all I do and say I can't do it myself, but I can and Iw ill becaus eI wouldnt want to burden anyoen else by being there for me.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Speed Networking gone wrong
Well, tonight was a bust. Ok so lemme see, yes yes today is Tuesday, though it felt like the worst monday ever!
To sum up I must tell you the events of the evening and then you can tell me how you feel about it or what you think...fair? Fair! ok...let me take you ony my journey...
To sum up I must tell you the events of the evening and then you can tell me how you feel about it or what you think...fair? Fair! ok...let me take you ony my journey...
- I show up to Legends and notice off to the right where our group is supposed to be there is another group.
- I ask who they are and they tell me a large organization here in town
- I informed them that was wrong as I was told we were to be there
- I asked them if they were expecting us
- It was 5:30 when I showed up and our event started at 6 pm
- They had a scribbled piece of paper about us but didn't have the room ready
- When they started preparing for the room I had to tell them everything all over again (two tops, like speed dating but speed networking, one person stays one person moves and that they will get thier own drinks until the end when we need a server as some people are staying to eat)
- At 6 pm they were just finishing putting tables up
- Luckily only a couple of regulars showed up early
- Everyone else started milling in after, but Legenda lost our flyers so I stood at the door and had to redirect people since our room was changed
- They did recreate a sign that they posted on the wall, but no one saw it where it was thus the standing and redirecting
- The event starts and we are one table off. GREAT...NOT! So the take a booth nearby (which btw was only the first of many confusing inicdents through the night)
- We had 19 people show so one of the hostesses had to sit to make it even so I stayed standing to manage the timers and bells)
- We barely did the first round and as soon as someone had to go to the booth it ruined it
- thenw e finally got that figured out and people kept getting up and getting a drink or going pee right int he middle of the event 9needless to say this does not bode well when the other person is sitting alone and has no one to network with for the 5 min)
- Then we took a break and attempted to allow the stationary person to move -
- NOTICE KEY WORD ABOVE...ATTEMPTED
- Good grief all mighty...first while on break a few of the guys decided to give me a hard time about how the move was giong to work
- The other hostess told me to have everyone go one way then changed her mind (which made me look bad and I don't like to look bad)
- Then each time it was time to move someone would get it wrong and the boys would all fuss and give me a bad time
- Then these little dingbat blond girls(im blond too but they give us a bad name) would mess it up by going pee or getting a drink or going the wrong way
- After awhile it was going so awry that we gave up and let people mingle on thier own
- I walked over to w wall and pretended to bang my head
- 5 minutes later someone bought me a drink (too funny)
- Whew...glad that was over
So I ordered some food, vowed never to use Legends for Speed Networking again and then met with my Graphic Designer from La Cava Designs and then tried to relax the rest of the night.
Thank goodness its over
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Hard Life
I ended up hiding out and then cryong tonight. N is still not doing well. I talked to his counselor and he is still slacking and not pulling his weight. It's like he doesn't care. I talked to him after I talked to his counselor and asked him to kick it up a notch. I know I laid on teh guilt a bit and said "I fe he cared about me if he loved me he would change and do what is right." I think that almost hurt me more. I don't like being that person. I dont like this tough love crap. I want to hug him and tellhim it will be alright. I want him to know tht no matter what I accept him. I don't like taking his Ipod away and taking away the things he loves in life and taking myself away.
This life is so hard.
Then there is S, my spouse. I jsut can't please hima dn we ended up having quite a rough weekend. I ended up asking him to leave and going to Keith Urban by myself, which I was glad about because teh songs were very poignant for my life right now. It was weird being alone though.
I don't know how to deal with all of this and I am jsut trying to do what's right. I am in so much pain and tears and need to be strong for everyone all the time. I feel so alone. Even if S were here I feel alone. he needs to change so much. I have grown and he hasnt and I just dont think I can take it anymore. We are ending. It's time. WE are trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there to be nice to each other when neither of us is truly happy.
I have new friends out here that I am making and learning about. I have a new organization tha ti am part of and they have become my friends more. Plus my graphic Designer is a prt of a few other groups. I want to join another, but I am so busy I don't have time to do that much. I am really trying to focus ont he business. I think I will jsut stay with tis one the Jaycees for now.
The friends I am making are so down to earth and honest. They are not fake like people in Ca can be. my friends in Cali arent like that but a lot of people are. I used to call them Plastic People. MY friends are true but they are very busy with thier life and they always have been. My friend C said to me once that she couldn't live up to our friendship tha tI need someone too much. I guess that's true. I do need friends and I drive them insane trying to connect. But even though that is true I never had a long term friend except one and he cannot even devote time to be there when I need him to talk to.
So I live alone, I deal with things alone, I talk alone. N told me he thought "tough and Fall" were my kind of songs. I'd have to agree. I am strong. I have been. I always will be. But every now and then I falter. Every now and then I escape under the covers like this afternoon. I cry my tears like I did tonight and now I am ok. WEll, ok as I will be. I will survive. I will go on. I will be fine.
I have a Passion for life and I keep my chin up. I don't harbor these thoughts and feelings forever I move on. that's what you have do with life. Butit is nice to have others around who care about you. It is nice to have friends who you can hang with at least.
This life is hard life. Ive always had one. Why should today be any different?
This life is so hard.
Then there is S, my spouse. I jsut can't please hima dn we ended up having quite a rough weekend. I ended up asking him to leave and going to Keith Urban by myself, which I was glad about because teh songs were very poignant for my life right now. It was weird being alone though.
I don't know how to deal with all of this and I am jsut trying to do what's right. I am in so much pain and tears and need to be strong for everyone all the time. I feel so alone. Even if S were here I feel alone. he needs to change so much. I have grown and he hasnt and I just dont think I can take it anymore. We are ending. It's time. WE are trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there to be nice to each other when neither of us is truly happy.
I have new friends out here that I am making and learning about. I have a new organization tha ti am part of and they have become my friends more. Plus my graphic Designer is a prt of a few other groups. I want to join another, but I am so busy I don't have time to do that much. I am really trying to focus ont he business. I think I will jsut stay with tis one the Jaycees for now.
The friends I am making are so down to earth and honest. They are not fake like people in Ca can be. my friends in Cali arent like that but a lot of people are. I used to call them Plastic People. MY friends are true but they are very busy with thier life and they always have been. My friend C said to me once that she couldn't live up to our friendship tha tI need someone too much. I guess that's true. I do need friends and I drive them insane trying to connect. But even though that is true I never had a long term friend except one and he cannot even devote time to be there when I need him to talk to.
So I live alone, I deal with things alone, I talk alone. N told me he thought "tough and Fall" were my kind of songs. I'd have to agree. I am strong. I have been. I always will be. But every now and then I falter. Every now and then I escape under the covers like this afternoon. I cry my tears like I did tonight and now I am ok. WEll, ok as I will be. I will survive. I will go on. I will be fine.
I have a Passion for life and I keep my chin up. I don't harbor these thoughts and feelings forever I move on. that's what you have do with life. Butit is nice to have others around who care about you. It is nice to have friends who you can hang with at least.
This life is hard life. Ive always had one. Why should today be any different?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tears for Songs
I sat listening to music on my Itunes today. Various songs came on and didn't really afect me, but then Destiny from KAtherine McPhee came on and I started to cry. I went to look at the lyrics to figure it out. I guess I jsut feel so much like I have no one, no one is behind me. I am always behind everyone ele and I support everyone and make them feel better, but where is the person that always stood by my side and was truly there for me.
"You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason whyI didn't stop,
didn't give upeven if i sometimes lost hope"
So many people here in Iowa have all these friends that they have known since kindergarten, high school etc and they are still friends with them. I have one friend I can sometimes talk to and that's it. Most of the time I can't even talk to him. I have been pretty emotional lately anyway. So much has gone on with Nate and now I am not even seeing him. I deleted my SO blog and keep planing on redoing it, but don't know how all that will look. I can't talk to anyone about the SO because they don't get it. I think I need to start a Parents of SO Support group. I can't seem to find one out there so maybe I need to start one so we all have someone else to talk to. Sigh. It is just so frustrating.
Anyway, I better get back to work. I have taken WAY too much time off recently and need to get back down to business. I am two choices away for a new logo and then soon moving onto the dating sites. Maybe I will add a blog to the business site and then all the members will know what is going on with the sites.
Ok, well, I am better now. I have cried my little cry, sobbed my sob and wrote it all down to bore you half to death. Back to work. On my own...sigh.
"You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason whyI didn't stop,
didn't give upeven if i sometimes lost hope"
So many people here in Iowa have all these friends that they have known since kindergarten, high school etc and they are still friends with them. I have one friend I can sometimes talk to and that's it. Most of the time I can't even talk to him. I have been pretty emotional lately anyway. So much has gone on with Nate and now I am not even seeing him. I deleted my SO blog and keep planing on redoing it, but don't know how all that will look. I can't talk to anyone about the SO because they don't get it. I think I need to start a Parents of SO Support group. I can't seem to find one out there so maybe I need to start one so we all have someone else to talk to. Sigh. It is just so frustrating.
Anyway, I better get back to work. I have taken WAY too much time off recently and need to get back down to business. I am two choices away for a new logo and then soon moving onto the dating sites. Maybe I will add a blog to the business site and then all the members will know what is going on with the sites.
Ok, well, I am better now. I have cried my little cry, sobbed my sob and wrote it all down to bore you half to death. Back to work. On my own...sigh.
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