Videos to get me through my breakup

I know it's not Christmas but this song keeps rolling through my head today. I know I will be "Fine and Dandy" eventually, but right now it hurts.I know slowly and surely I will be fine. It doesn't feel like it today, but I will be someday.




I am trying to smile while it's aching...




I just want to go home. He knows what I mean. He is my home. He always said "Home is wherever we are" But of course that isn't true now. I want to be at home with him in my heart. This is not his dream, but he  always believed in me.

I believe in you. I will always believe in you. I miss you, you know. I miss you.




A broken road took me to him, I guess my broken road is leading the path away from him too. God Bless the Broken Road was our song. One of our many but truly Our Song. Now it is Our Song on the way out too I guess. The broken road led me straight to you, and the broken roads winds away from your heart as well.



But it What Hurts the Most is what we will never have. I tried so hard. I tried to love you. Never knowing what could have been. Loving you, is what I was trying to do.



But because he is SO amazing. and So great. And so much of him. He is not like any other man. He is not perfect. He tells me all the time, he is not perfect. I know. But what kind of man, will help you get through it all.

The hardest part of losing love, is that the one who is making you cry, the one who is killing your heart, the one who is breaking it and shattering it, that...that is the same man you want to help you, heal you and hurt you.

He is letting go, and this last song is so true. It hurts his heart to see me cry. He is standing by me. He is helping me through. When I have done all I can do, he is drying my tears in his own way, he is helping me stand, he won't let me fall. He keeps telling me everything in this song

"You're gonna make it! I know you can make it. When you feel like you can't cope. You are not lost. You are strong, I will still be here. I will still be your friend. I can't let go of that either. But we have to let go."

I think I played this song so many times that if it was a record today it would have broke. I cried and cried and burst into tears. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe. Some would say "Why keep playing it if it makes me feel like that. Well, because I am try to heal. I need to cry and this song was helping. Sometimes we just need to cry. And the reaffirmation lately that J DOES care about me and J DOES still love me and he IS trying to help me heal IS helping me heal.

That may not work for everyone, but that is what is working for us. The knowledge that he does not think I am pathetic or crazy or insecure, that means something to me. I don't know how to act or what to do and he is ok with that.

Also odd today was he said SHE is understanding and accepting of whatever we need to heal. GRR. PArt of me was like, "Oh how nice and that's good" But the other part was like "Damit why does she have to be so nice. Why can't she be a bitch about it so he could see how un-perfect she is. All he sees right now are her PERFECT qualities and that just makes her MORE perfect. But ya know, if she wasn't nice...he wouldn't be with her. That sucked most of all.But in the end, they both are helping me heal.

And as I said this song, really speaks volumes to me.

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life

I know J feels that way now. Knowing that...can help heal a heart faster than anything in the world

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

Some E Cards for Healing

I receive many emails from various places. Some blogs of other Grokkers (like minded people), some of my bank balanace, and some that are nice to get to put a smile on your face (or at least try). Some just speak the truth so well of how I feel.

Some E Cards (someecards) are those. They are weird and unusual yet say thing we would never normally say. You can send one to be very or you can send one to be mean. They are just well, different. I chose a few cards today that I wanted to share:

The decision to try and get my life in order

This was the pyscho girl I was Saturday

I did finally get him to talk to me to help some closure (maybe)

This is what I think he is thinking

Sounds appealing right?

Need I say more?

This seems to be true

I am willing to do anything for him

Now I am severely depressed and didn't wake until noon today

Sorry, but she's not as hot as me

I hope one day he says "It didn't work out, can we try again?"

Already am and people look at you like your crazy when you do that ya know?

What she said

RIta, Lila, Lumen (from Dexter) I was all three, but that still wasn't enough I guess

In Dexter he said one of the reason why he felt so connected to Rita was because she was the only one who he felt was emotionally damaged as much as him and they bonded. I was once this person for him. Now I am nothing.

This sound ideal, let's try this?

The irony of this card to me is recently I was crying to a friend who said. "You play or sing right?" and I said "yes" she said "Have you ever been practicing piano or something and there are two notes and desperately they sound great, but then when you out them together and go to play them they sound horrible. You though, hmm I thought those two notes would have been perfect for each other. You wrote them in your music sheet, you played all the parts before it gearing up for it and then, it went from beautiful music the horrible sound where others around you say "STOP STOP STOP!!! stop playing those two notes together. Can't you hear that? Those two notes sound horrible together. But you don't hear it. To hear they sound like a concerto. Yeah that is what love and relationships are like. Maybe you an he don't play music well together."

 

Then I see this card. Hmm maybe there is something to that analogy after all.

 

This is how I feel now.

MY ex broke my heart and chose someone else immediately. He didn't wait. He didn't keep his ground with HER. He is holding his ground with me, but he didn't keep it with HER. HE said he tried, but well, he didn't try hard enough. IF he wanted to get his life together and not date and be single for awhile so as not to jump into another relationship...well he failed. HE has the ability to dig his feet in and has the ability to be strong and say "I like you but if you really care about me, now is not the right time." But he didn't. Why. Because he didn't want to. He wanted her as much as she wanted him.

And I think if truth be known and he asked her, she would confess that YES, she did avoid me. Yes she purposely did not go to parties where I was at and yes she was excited when I left because she thought she FINALLY could have a chance with him. HE would see she is not as innocent as he thinks her to be.

I do not mean to say anything negative here. I am sure she is a nice girl. HE wouldn't be with her if she was not. But women's motives where men are concerned are quite devious and well lady, you didn't fool me. Now, granted I understand that perhaps there was a part of that in both of their subconscious. I mean when he first talked about her to me I thought "OH shit I hope SHE never comes back into his life." Then she did and I thought "OH shit Im in trouble."

I kept asking him questions about if there was anyone at work he liked. Or if he saw anything from the girls there. He either was oblivious or didn't want to say.There were times they all worked late and I am sure she relished in it. I was even going to come a few times and he told me no. Hmm. I believe he was faithful with his body parts, but I don't think he or she were faithful emotionally.

So now my life is truly shit.

I didn't get the job that would have been perfect. 

I don't have him anymore.

I have so many financial issues.

I am tired of living this existence.

I want him in my life and he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and there is never any hope for us.

To me, that says there is never any hope for ME.

So now I feel like this

 

Can someone just get me the F- outta here? I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I feel so fragile and I am tired. Tired of getting back on the horse. Tired of being strong. Tired of being alone. Done. I just want to run away. 

I just want to escape my own life...

Moments

I but lived on a moment...

Isn't there a poem like that? Perhaps. I am so worn, I don't even feel like leaving this page to Google it long enough to find out.

Not so long ago I was in church in Omaha and the pastor show up this long rope and at the end was a small taped up piece. He said "See this part right here" and he pointed to a spot on the red tape area "This is right now. the red tape is your life, and the rest is eternity with God."

I try so hard in life to remember that lesson. I have hear it many times before, but that one sunk in.


We talked today. Verbally. Really talked and I felt, "Finally"a chance at healing. To some extenet yes, but his words that he doesn't love me anymore I can't bear to hear and that little part inside in me does not want to beleive it is true.

I think he won't see me because he fears what his emotions will do when he does. I fear he did not tell me he was dating, because he knew I might talk him out of it. I fear this is why he was not talking to me.

I honeslt don't know what to believe.

Outta site outta mind I guess.  He says he still wants to be friends and he doesn't want to se me hurting.

Well, my sister says "That is not his choice. He is going to have to deal with it. All of it. If I am hurting or if I am not. If I have a rockin body now or not. If I am ok or not ok."

It is but a moment

I will not just survive

I will conquer

Expression

If you don't know it, I have been writing on this blog since 2005. Some, more times than others and in teh past two year, pretty frequently.

I have no one in my life.

I bounce around here and there like a Gypsy. I don't have those ties other people normally do. I have no one to talk to...but the internet.

I will say my expressions are not always peachy keen with smiles and roses.

There are times I am very happy and can't wait to share it with the world.

There are times I just want to share my thoughts

Other-times I need to vent, release or express my emotions.

I get frustrated when others try to "censor" me.

This is "MY" blog. I wrote before I knew many of you. I will continue to write. This is how I release.

I do not or AM not saying slanderous things or things that could be a defamation of character. I am JUST expressing how I FEEL.

I have a right to that.

I am sorry if my words hurt you. But I am hurting too. I am sorry if yo don't like what I say, but it is MY expressions NOT yours. Perhaps you would not blog or share so openly your emotions, but this is how I heal. This is how I survive. This is what makes me stronger. This is how I can

LET GO

 or

MOVE ON

and again, my words are not meant to hurt you. They are meant to HEAL me.

If you care, If you really care, and you really are hurting to too. Then part of accepting me has always been THIS blog. THIS is my solace. THIS is my safe haven. THIS is where I connect with the world of women, and friends who see me, see my life, my happiness, my love and yes even my pain.

I can't keep protecting YOU to not allow myself to heal.

I am sorry, but I do not feel anything I said yesterday or ever has been demeaning.

I think those who read it would whole heartedly agree tha tI am JUST expressing myself and I NEVER deface anyone! I don't even use names!!! Just initials if anything at all!


I am hurting and I need to heal.

Closure...Yeah Gotta Get Me one of Those

Closure is not an easy thing to come by most. Letting go of someone you love has got to be one of the hardest things to do. But when it's not working, it's not working. I love J more than anything in the world. Somuch so that when I found out that J was dating already, he didn't expect it to happen so soon, well, losing it is an understatement. He barely emailed me anything then through a series of texts said some nior things that just left me wondering even more. I felt like I wasn't getting any answers and kept begging him to answer me. If her truly wanted closure there are things I needed to know;.

I became "Psycho Girl" (sounds like a great comic).

I wouldn't' stop texting, I did things I normally wouldn't do, I heaved chucks of sobs to where I was throwing up.

“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.” ~ Unknown.

Getting over a break up is hard no matter what – but it’s even more difficult when you don’t have relationship closure. 

What is Relationship Closure?

Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended.

Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.

Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.


I wasn't getting that and so it was tearing me apart. I finally was able to get some answers tonight and maybe that will be the healing I need.

RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.

RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?

MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."

RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. 

LETTING GO

When you’ve lost someone you love, it’s easy to focus on the great parts of your relationship and life together. But, there was a reason you broke up — maybe even several reasons! Don’t ignore the “bad” parts of the relationship and idealize the best parts…instead, keep reminding yourself that you’re letting go of the past because holding on to it isn’t good for you.

Part of letting go of someone you love is accepthing that you may never have all the answers.

Remember that letting go of love doesn’t happen overnight

Letting go of the past isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days. I grew up constantly saying hello and good-bye to new families, friends, and cities. I learned how to love, let go, and open my heart to love again. And I’ve survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting breakups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. Letting go is a process that takes time.I know it will take time.

Through a series of chat messages tonigt I finally received some answers.

 J said he loves her. He said he has always loved her. It explains so much to me as to why he could never commit to me. Maybe his subconscious knew I don't know. I want to want his happiness. But I am hurting so very deeply inside. I feel like I wanna die.

J finally answered those questions I didn't want to hear. She is from his past. He think he always loved her. He might one day want to marry her. He feels that strongly. WOW. In many of these moments I was shaking uncontrollably, my chest hurt so bad I thought I needed to go to the hospital, I was heaving sobs and it was ripping me and tearing me to shreds.

I told my counselor last night I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to be some where else. Somewhere "safe" she said she didn't feel I was that bad off and talked me off the "metaphorical ledge".
Even tonight after hearing those things from J I still felt this way alot. I have been taking some Xanax to calm down. I try really super hard NOT to throw a pill at my problems. Most times I am against it. But last night and today and tonight, I just don't want to feel. Anything. But I know my heart will go on. It just dones't feel like it right now.

I do care about J more than he even realizes. He didn't think this would bother me like this. He felt I had already left in my heart. Any attempts I had to tal to him otherwise was lobbed back into "It's your own fault" syndrome. I had that coming.

Since the day I left I have been begging and saying "Oh god what did I do?" Now more than ever I feel that way. Part of me feels there truly is no hope ever for us. He will marry her. He will get the babies he wants so desperately. He has found her.

As I have said before. I was the Rebound. It solidifies it to me now. Though I thought I overstayed my welcome, I guess I stayed long enough to make the way for her. Timing is Everything...



The person who loves him wants them to fail.

The person who cares...wishes the best for them. My Wish for you...

The Carrot, The Hook and the Oat-Part Three

We come to the third part of our story with Monica and Richard in Friends Season Two (218)

They are discussing the number of people they have "been with" if ya know what I mean...(and I think you do)


MONICA: Ok about that two.
RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?
MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small number.
RICHARD: Right, and...

MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me?  

Oh my God, am I an oat?

RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.

MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.
RICHARD: Right.
MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right.
RICHARD: Now I do. 

I come away from this wondering "Am I an Oat?" Was I the Rebound Girl?  He has said in the past NO, though he was not willing to make a commitment to me no mater what. When I cam back the last time right before that he said he did not propose because of the way I spoke about his family. Ok SO I went out of my way to get to know his sister, hi mother, and even recently befriend his father who no one likes...even dates tell the dating service he is a part of that they don't like him and yet, I  offered him food, I did things around the house for him, I helped him with the computer and I even made him cupcakes for his birthday (of which he thought those were great but I later found out he decides that day is when he tells J I should pay rent) 

I can't help but think that more and more. Sadly the only way for me NOT to feel like I am the Rebound Oat Girl is for him to be with me and he CLEARLY made it VERY CLEAR that was NOT going to happen EVER. 

Oh my God, am I an oat?

The answer clearly is YES. 


The other part of this equation is something else I heard on My Boys (another TV Show I watch on Netflix and used to watch on TBS). The one girl was telling her friend how it was her own fault. She built up his ego and told him how good he looked and how great he was that his head got too big so he dumped her.


Huh, well, now don't THAT sound familiar? 


The answer clearly is YES. 


With J I was his two. I thought he loved me. I assume he did. I would like to believe he did. 

So perhaps, even all the love in the world can't come between you and being an OAT. Well, I am not going to be anyone's Oats for a very long time. 


As soon as I can, I am outta here. I am getting back to being on my own if I have to live in my car to do it. I am going to not date for 6 months and who knows...I might like it so much, I might just stay there.


I was telling a friend tonigt that all I wanted was to be Single again. 

He said "Single or Alone?" 

I said, "What the diff?"


He said " Single is I got out, I am looking for a mate, I am prowling, I am on the hunt. Alone is I am not dating. I just want to do my own thing. I want to be alone."

So I said, "Alone it is then!"

The Carrot, The Hook or the Oat-Part Two

I was watching How I Met Your Mother and the episode was talking about The Hook. 

How many times we keep someone around until that next better one comes along. There is often someone that we wait and wait for until they choose us, but they never do. It is that person being kept on the back burner by a member of the opposite sex as an insurance policy if nothing else works out.

We end up on The Hook.

The fateful words
There's never going to be a chance for us...Right Now...

Ted was hanging on this one girl, Tiffany's every word and would do anything she wanted. He was completely on this girl's hook with just the possibility of being with her. He dropped everything for her. He would do anything for her.

But Ted has someone on his hook. Henrietta did anything Ted wanted. She would cook for him. Clean for him. Hang out with him. She would do anything he asked at anytime. She was in constant waiting for him. Henrietta was on Ted's Hook.

Lilly had Scooter her high school sweetheart, who showed up at their wedding, took a job to be near her and fell apart everytime she even mentioned letting him go, so even though she was married she kept him on the hook because it was too hard to let him down.

Robin had Mike on her hook. He gave her foot rubs. He did her laundry. Ted calls her Captain Hook.

Ted thinks everything’s changed when Tiffany invites him to an out-of-town wedding, but no! It hasn’t. Her ex-boyfriend is there, they get back together, Ted storms out sadly … but not before screwing up the courage to explicitly take himself off Tiffany’s hook. Success! Then he goes back to Henrietta, accidentally proposes, then painfully takes her off his hook. You’re doing the right thing, Ted. Lily also takes Scooter off her hook

This episode reveals the truth that we've all been in relationships where we were either being led around by someone else with no intention of hooking up or we were doing the leading.

Coming Soon... Part Three-The Oat..

Back to Boundaries-Lines in the Sand (Reclaiming WW#2)

I was listening to my morning mediation by Goddess Leonie (crying btw way while she is sharing words of the You Have Permission list) and she mentioned Boundaries.

 You have permission to get angry and self-righteous, and to also glean the wisdom from those emotions. They are leading you to where your boundaries are, and where they have been crossed, and what you need to do from now on.

Whiles she is talking I am envisioning a line in the sand

When looking up the images I noticed something about these...though the line in the sand is drawn, there is muck on the outside of the line. So to me this says "Even when drawing a line in the sand, there are still pieces left out.

Drawing boundaries is the same to me. I can draw a boundary but the pieces that are leftover are the hardest for me. If I go back and try to brush them away them am I not keeping to my boundary? Am I jsut to leave those remnants? The answer I think would be..

YES

Once the line is drawn, it is drawn. The only thing that can wash that line away is if a tide comes up over it and washes it away. That to me would mean a new beginning. That takes time. Sometimes the tide never washes it and the line in the sand stays there forever. Now the opposing person on teh other side may try to step over that line, but you need to but up and invisible barrier that smacks them if need be that say "No, no, you cannot step over this line."

The past year I think my lines in the sand have been more like the Yosemite Sam cartoon, "I dare you to go over this line, this line, this one..."

The part I am talking about is in the beginning up to part :48. You don have to watch further than that (unless you really want to but the rest of it has nothing to do with my point)




I remember before when KSM told me I needed to be Boundary Thick. Yeah, well, that isn't always as easy as it seems. But I am working on it.

I think I finally got to that PISSED off, ANGER part of Loss and healing after a breakup a day or so ago. I made the mistake of NOT being boundary thick myself and doing something stupid. It smacked me square between the eyes. Hurt like hell, pissed me off, and I drank a bottle of wine and a bottle of Tequila all by myself last night and cried to my hearts content. (I finally had the place to myself so I think I finally felt like I could let go of the pain) 

I was working on my SOAR journal when this came to be and I jotted the thoughts down:

• He will survive without me
• He doesn't need me as his muse
• He will be just fine if he doesn't talk to me
• He doesn't need me to text him
• He doesn't need me in general
• He can live without me
• He doesn't need to know how I feel
• He doesn't want to know how I feel
• He doesn want to know how I am doing at all
• If he is meant to be successful, he will be
• If he is meant to have a table at a show, he can handle getting it
• If he is meant to have books published, he can contact publishers
• If he is meant to get to his goals and dreams he can get there without me
• If he is meant to do more, he can do it on his own
• He doesn't want me in his life
• He wants to move on
• He wants me to move on
• He said he wanted me to let go, that if I really loved him let him go...so this is me...letting go

How I am doing this:

• I put away all pictures he drew me
• I put away all pictures of us
• I put away every note he wrote me
• I put away anything and everything that reminded me of him
• To be able to no long see him in my life, I have to no longer see him in my life

Affirmations I tell myself

• Chant this mantra above every day
• Tell myself to resist the urge to share, talk, converse, text, email, FB, G+ or anything else that can, may or will involve him
• I was the rebound girl and I overstayed my welcome
• I have always heard the story of "if you love something set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back to you." Well, that may be, but if that ever is to be true...he will have to ask me.
• I am through begging for forgiveness
• I am through running back to him asking him to take me back
• I am done being a needy, hopeless, insecure, co dependant woman
• I am strong, beautiful, confident, intelligent, powerful, amazing, authentic, unique and different 
• Any man would be lucky to have me
• Any person would be happy to know me
• Time to get back to Reclaiming...ME!

Wishcasting Wednesday: What do you wish to reclaim?

Wishcasting Wednesday: What do you wish to reclaim?

 

 I like a few others really didn't even know what that meant. I went to the first post Jen's Living Bliss and saw she said the same thing and explained it.

Reclaim: retrieve or recover (something previously lost, given, or paid)

Retrieve: My Sanity

Recover: From my loss

Reclaim: Myself

 

I feel like "Where did she go?" "Where did that girl go that had it all together, where did the girl who took Soul Restoration 1 and 2 go? Where is that confident, secure, strong, tough, survivor, warrior, fighter that could get through anything, overcome any trials and beat all odds..where is she?"

This helped me see something today in answer to that question...

I

am

right 

here

and

I

have 

been

here

all

along.

I wish to reclaim me...and doggone it...I'm going to!

The Carrot, The Hook or the Oat-Part One

This is the story of the Carrot, the Hook and the Oats...

Recently in my relationships with men, things have not gone so great. Though I know it takes "Two to Tango, I also say it takes two to Tangle" as well. AS much as I feel that is the case, I do feel mainly responsible. I did not have to allow things to happen as they did. I did not have to make the choices I did. No one held a gun to my head and said break up with your ex over and over or keep bouncing back and forth. No one said be elusive, vague, difficult, unnerving, indecisive, strong, confident, stable, then clingy, needy, or insecure. Nope, it was me all me (pointing finger into my chest)...yep <----- this girl.

With that said... The Carrot

The grass is not always greener is the most truest statement I have come to find the largest Truth Quote out there lately. Someone dangled a carrot in my face and said "Hey look Bunny over here...I have food and shelter and I will give you what all those other people couldn't give you." I hopped over there to see what it was like and yes I nibbled. But then the carrot was gone and reality struck in. I looked around and saw I was in a cage. It looked familiar. I had been in a cage before. It was called 10 years of marriage and by the end I almost was clawing myself out. Also on this carrot were strings. Many, many strings.The strings holding those carrots were invisible to me. Invisible, until I got caught up in them and tangled and I got out saying "Whew thank goodnes I'm outta there!" I said, "I don't like this cage" and the minute I could I ran back to my green grass. Ah, yummy green grass that feels so good.

Then many carrots were dangled to me. There was a white carrot, a small carrot, an orange carrot and even some kind of carrots I have never seen before. I allowed myself to hop away once again and go see what all those many carrots were about. I found out one carrot was still stuck in the ground. I couldn't get it out so I left it and walked away. One carrot had a great part of it, but the rest of the carrot was pretty blah. I started noticing after awhile all the carrots didn't matter because what I really wanted was my safe, warm, green grass.

The problem with the grass is it has a fence around it. I could maybe get under it, but it was going to be difficult. It also has other critters living on the land and I didn't get along with the other critters so well. The grass also had splotches on it here and there. I am sure it could be fixed with time, but they were there and that left no place for me in those areas.

In between my bouncing and hopping I found a spot I could call home. It was filled with things I loved and safety and peace. It was calm and peaceful and seemed like a good in between place. I didn't see anything wrong with it. But what I wasn't seeing was how my safe little home was being run by a giant and I was actually in his house in a corner. He didn't used to be a giant, he used to be a carrot.  But he turned into a mean giant after I left.

I went back near the grass but didn't eat the grass or get to play in the yard. I planted seeds, made my own grass and took care of my own grass. I fertilized right, I took care of it and I was doing okay in my own yard on my own grass. I even had a house. a Soul House. I took care of it, I protected it. No wolfs were gonna come in and blow it down. No one even got to come into my soul house. But then...


As luck would have it, someone opened the gate. I went back to my grass to see if I could live on the grass and deal with the critters. But alas I could not. But as mentioned to me, it was not JUST the critters. The grass was get wilting and feeling unwatered and nurtured. I was feeling ancy with the gate closed now and having to deal with these things.

Now I am grassless. I have no grass. I don't want my own grass. My yard is now filled with weeds. Unruly weeds. things that look like flowers but then I find out, they are just weeds. My fence on my yard is all busted and broken and the paint is chipping off. I don't care how it looks or feels. I don't want this grass or anyone else grass anymore.

I was recently told that all this time I have been feeling like others were dangling the carrots in front of me. But what I can't see or fail to realize is that "I" am the one dangling the carrot. I am the one holding it on a string saying "MMM yummy you want this carrot don't you? You know you do?" and that I am taunting and teasing and saying "You can have me, no you can't, yes you can, no you can't" and so on.They said they call this

The Carrot Effect

The back and forth is this dangling carrot and after awhile reaching for it and it being yanked away is more than they could bear. They are through being on the other end of the carrot. To me, other things are the carrot. To hear that I was the carrot was not pleasing. But perhaps something I needed to hear. I do not, I repeat REPEAT do NOT want to be a Carrot.

I want to be a back in my cozy yard. I want to be inside the fence. I want to be with other critters. I don't care about the other critters anymore. I would give anything to be back in that yard. But now it is too late. Now the yard has barbed wire going all the way to the sky and all the way into the ground. No more bunnies allowed. No more anything.

Aint no one getting in there...

...most especially he will never let me in there...

ever.

(The Hook and the Oats are in part two/three...stay tuned...)

Scabs Wounds and The Stages of Broken Hearts

SCAB Wiki Def

Scab, a hard coating on the skin formed during the wound healing reconstruction phase ( intricate process in which the skin (or another organ-tissue) repairs itself after injury)

A scab takes time to heal.

It doesn't happen overnight.

A real scab has the chance to heal, to become new again, like there never was a wound. Sometimes it Scars.

Scarring is a natural part of the healing process. With the exception of very minor lesions, every wound results in some degree of scarring.

A Broken Heart is it's own wound and sometimes a Scar is left on the heart. Though that sounds like a song or a name for a piece of art it is merely a representation of how I feel.

Healing over a breakup takes time too. From what I have read there are various stages of a Broken Heart just like there is loss.

This blog says there are 5 stages and according to their standards I am only at Stage 3

Stage Three

The Crappy Part - Once you realize that your life will be different, this is what I call the crap-pi-phany (like epiphany). You go through the phase of listening to songs that remind you of them, cry into a pillow that still smells like them, and agonize about what's going to happen next. Your life may seem over, but trust me, time heals all wounds and even a broken heart will mend over time. This stage sucks, but it's vital believe me. DO NOT hold in your hurt, you'll only feel worst later on.

My This other article where they relate Breaking Up, Broken Heart to Grief, Loss...I am all over the place with this one...But often come back to Stage 1 Denial...

Denial: Ever since we split I have been spending most of my time in a state of denial. I find it is easier to remove myself from the sadness of reality by fantasizing about getting back together. My favorite version of this fantasy is one where my x and I meet unexpectedly in summer. I have a nice tan and a new haircut. I am happy and smiling; life is fine because I have moved on. He sees me and suddenly realizes that he loved me all along and life is empty without me. It all moves along nicely from there. Version two of the get-back-together fantasy: It is next week and  a cold, rainy night. He shows up at my door. He brings flowers. He begs me to take him back, and I, compassionately, tell him all is forgiven. I get somewhat agitated every time I realize that I am not predicting the future, or even forecasting a likely scenario. I am simply in denial that this break up is for good. At this point in time however, it brings me a relief from sadness that would follow if I rushed into cool acceptance of the facts

Although I meet the Bargaining Stage next...

Bargaining: This is the most annoying of all because I constantly beat myself up over causing the break up with my stupid need for love. Why couldn’t I just settle for less than perfect? He said, “I care about you” – why wasn’t that enough? Why didn’t I just wait to see if deeper feelings evolved over time? Perhaps seven months isn’t sufficient for some people. Maybe if I call him now and explain that I have made a terrible mistake, that I am happy to take whatever he is willing to give… maybe we can get back together and put this fiasco behind us. *Sadly, I cannot allow myself to do this. I want to love and be loved. It is simple, and I remind myself to be true.

And Of Course

Depression: Based on past experiences, I would say that I am prone to depression. In a queer way, all my sadness has created an abundance of energy, which has been channeled into manic activity. I suddenly rollerblade again. Not since I was 13 have I felt the urge to rollerblade. I suppose this is depression disguised as anxious distraction. Different sides of the same coin perhaps.

 I have that too. That Manic Activity. Stay busy, go do as much as I can. Take ART Classes and E Courses, help what little clients I have and be busy being an Entrepreneur trying to do new things. Problem is I have no major clients, I work from hom and so I have all day to think, listen to sad songs, watch sappy movies and cry.

Then there is my All Time Favorite : Making Your Break Up Suck Harder

10. And if you REALLY want to make your breakup suck harder tell yourself that you will never love like that again. This is a good one, because when you are in heartbreak hell, that feels like the truth. And the thought of loving someone else makes you sick. Like the 3 margaritas you drank this morning.

I do try however to do my Goddess Circle homework, Show Up like White Hot Truth says, but more and more I am getting to that "What's the point of life" feeling and it scares me.

I drive myself insane wondering did he like me better when I was stronger or when I am needy, insecure and weak? If I get strong again then will he want me back? Or will he move on as he says he is going to? Has he already moved on and not telling me because he is so worried about me as he says?

The final is Acceptance and I can get there. I still feel like I never will. We argued, we fought, we both were unhappy at time and elated at others, we oft times did not feel our needs were met, yet the sex was great or so I thought, we knew each other, we were good together, weren't we?

I am still working on some of those things to make it Suck Less through Blissbombed...

1. Don’t see him or talk to him for 60 days.

I am trying. We have exchanged a few emails, but not much. I sent him some items, which he said thank you for in email, but seemed hugely indifferent, and I cannot resist sending him things that will help his art. BUT, after a brief interlude today that turned sour I thought, Hmm, this is prob why I should NOT be talking to him. My one friend said talking to him is like picking at a scab. Every time it starts to heal I pick at it and reopen the wound. By talking to him I will never heal and I need to heal first

2 I am moving and stretching, doing Yoga, talking walks, doing a new fitness system and trying hard to energize though I really don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  (That's part of the SHOWING up I am trying to do)

3 Go out with friends. Hmm, yeah well. Not there yet. Instead I am locked away in my room doing art. Not a bad thing, but not great. I should go out, but I just can't yet. Yeah, me miss social butterfly.

4 I am not drinking and I am drinking water. I also have been writing and keeping up with my Morning Pages. I am starting a new Journal SOAR and tonight I took out the little pieces of paper my sister gave me for the Journal Jar and chose what ones would be good to use as prompts as well. WRiting is helpful for me. It is a good release.

•  5. Read funny blogs (The Bloggess, Rocket Shoes, and No Ordinary Roller Coaster are my favorites), create a kick-ass collage of your new life (Pinterest), and write a letter to your future husband. Create a fresh relationship with your faith. Press into God. Write down the wisdom you are learning from all this.

This I am working on too. I am catching up on my Blog reading and my Right Brain Biz Plan. I am watching funny shows but these shows are also filled with that Love Hate thing and it is not easy.  I take long baths and super long showers until there i no water and plus I make it hotter than normal to escape. In there it is safe. In the shower I can cry and cry and no one hears me. In there I can be alone, truly alone and cry my heart out.

I did cry deeply to a friend yesterday and was scolded for not opening up and sharing sooner. I am glad that happened now because I do feel like I can cry more now and get it out when needed not hold it in as I have been.

I feel like I am living a fasad of a life still and the moments of happy are fleeting and not real. Not long after I am sad and hurt and confused and torn.

He has said in no uncertain terms he is DONE. He says if I love him like I say then I need to let him go and he even begged me to let him go. Well, can't get more done than that huh? Nope. It is just not that easy. He is the only person I really loved.  I am drawn to him and always have been. He has moved on and he has had enough of me. He wants to be rid of me, yet remain friends. In time that may be possible, but right now...

I just really don't want to be here. If I can't have him, I don't want to be with anyone. Not even me.

Stephanie from Blissbombed took a 6 month dating break and that is what I am doing now. No one for 6 months or more. No dates. No kissing. No compassion. Just me, work and life. I need a Relationship Cleansing. I have cleaned my Aura, read my cards, I am lighting my candles daily and saying my prayers, affirmations and actions.

All I wanted was marriage from him, now I don't want anybody.

Hopefully soon I will be able to go away. I don't want to say yet or how so I don't jinx it, but there is Hope in the air. I will leave the current existence and be gone somewhere else. I hope that happens and I can live like like a hermit. Do nothing, but work, create, plan.

My scab and scars have to heal though as the saying goes

"That's gonna leave a mark"

so I guess I will chalk him up to one more scar in my Emotional Scar Jar and maybe one day the scar won't be so visible...

Affirmation Station

A few of the blogs, sites and courses I have been reading an a part of have slowly become strong part of my life. Some have manifested themselves into Vision Books. Some have manifested themselves into Wallpaper and pinned on my wall. Some have become part of my bathroom mirror. Some have become part of my daily ritual as Affirmations.

I have so many Affirmations around everywhere I have an added for my room- Affirmation Station.

These affirmations are becoming my life force.

I don't know what I would do right now if I didn't have ENOUGH from Brave Girls to recite every day to remind me I AM ENOUGH. If I didn't read Expectations and Manifesto of Encouragement from White Hot Truth.

These parts are ESPECIALLY pertinent to me right now

right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.
Someone you haven't met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.


Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want -- and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it's reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all "So worth the wait."

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you -- for free.

If I didn't say aloud You Have Permission from Goddess Leonie. If I didn't read my Top Points from Declaration of You to remind me what Success and other words mean to me. Or if I didn't read How I Want to Feel from Jessica Swifts Goal Intention Kit.

How would I Show Up and Shine if I didn't see that first thing in the morning to make me get out of bed and do JUST that, SHOW UP.

How would I cope if I didn't read Everything is Going to be Okay on my wall.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't recite Abundance from Goddess Leonie every day before I walked out my door before breakfast.

How would I stay on track if I didn't have Brave Girl Truth Cards, Truth Teller posters and 12 Key Zen Habits near my office desk.

On those Sucky days and nights when I feel blah, crying and melancholy....how would I get out of it if I didn't have my De-Suckify Idea List right there to remind me.

And, I don't know what I would do without the Affirmations from Blissbomed that have become a part of my life like this one

HELL YES HELL NO
 

Hell Yes | Hell No

No to the man who has a woman at home, but still tries to have you.
No to the man who doesn’t have his financial life in order.
No to the man who is hard to locate.
No to the man who is shady in his business dealings.
No to the man who starves you with very little communication or time together to keep you wanting him.
No to the man who describes your relationship as ‘complicated.’
No to the man who doesn’t make sure you came too.
No to the man who ‘accidentally’ shows you the check at the end of the meal.
No to the man who gets drunk and becomes a possessive asshole.
No to the man whose security comes from you wanting him.
No to the man who your gay friends would label ‘not good enough for you.’
No to the man who will put up with your bullshit without an apology from you.
No to the man who keeps borrowing money (or the spare bedroom) from his parents.
No to the man who, on the first date, discusses how ‘skilled’ he is with his tongue.
No to the man who calls your emotions ‘drama.’
No to the man who habitually escapes life with video games, pot, porn,
or self-help books.
No to the man who is any less a man than you’ve had before.




Yes to the man who says no to you, because he would be breaking promises elsewhere. Yes to the man who keeps figuring out what he wants.
Yes to the man who manages his appetites 90 percent of the time.
Yes to the man who wants to protect you.
Yes to the man who can break all the rules when the occasion calls for it.
Yes to the man who tries to communicate with God.
Yes to the man who goes on with his own life while he’s waiting for you.
Yes to the man who really tries to see it from your point of view no matter how much sense you’re not making.
Yes to the man who wants to provide for you.
Yes to the man who takes note of your favorite things and gives them to you.
Yes to the man who does something because he said he would, even if he is now bored with it.
Yes to the man who works his ass off every day.
Yes to the man who asks you what you need.
Yes to the man who wants to be your best friend.
Yes to the man who’s own self-respect is the top of his priority list.
Yes to the man who is skilled at having difficult conversations and doesn’t fight back with blaming, silence, yelling, or amnesia.
Yes to the man who lets you lavish your love on him and helps you bloom as a woman in the process.
Yes to the man who knows his worth, his liquor limit, his day rate, and his sell point.

Go find the man who you can say yes to …. and say YES.

Soon I am sure my room will be filled with these and books will be spilling out these mantras, mottos and affirmations. To some that may sound silly and crazy and busy.

To me it is the sound of healing...

So Here We Are: Thoughts from 500 Days of Summer

I have been reading and watching various things lately, but there is one show I tend to watch when relationally in turmoil, needing a pick me up or just feeling life....500 Days of Summer

You see this this movie has all the moving parts and it runs fairly quickly. IT has it's ups and it's downs, there are some hilariously funny moments I love to laugh at and then there are some sad moments I tend to cry at. MY ex used to say "Oh, no you're watching 500 days of summer, great." But what he didn't realize is how this movie always helps me heal. It is my new "Pretty in Pink." (I used to watch that all the time instead.

If you're not careful the whole show is over while you are creating something or working and you look up to see the credits. That thought alone made me think about life and relationships especially. Often we are so busy leading our lives that we think we are a part of what is going on around us and yet we are not. Then blammo the relationship is over and we are standing there looking dumbfounded or standing in the street saying, "What Happened?"

 Yes, I am currently stuck in Looking Back land of wanting. Wanting so much for it to have worked. Wanting so much for him to choose me. Wanting so much for him to understand me. When I look back I remember the times we had. They were good. They were powerful. I remember moments. I remember happiness.

My counselor said something quite profound to me the other day while I was heaving in sobs and chuck of misery into her lunch time. Yep, you guessed it...


"You're just remembering the good times. Remember ALL of it so you can heal"

I know.

Rachel from 500 Days of Summer tells her brother that so he can move on...

"I know you think she was the one, but I don't. You are just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back I think you should look again."  For me, "I" am the one thinking he was THE ONE, not the other way around. I don't think he ever felt that way about me. Not sure, that would require talking and he was not fond of sharing.



But why do we as society need to "remember the bad times"? Why can't we just let that person live on in our memory with good thoughts? Why can't I just allow myself to think all the wonderful things about us that happened? Why can't I see those pictures of me with him and I have THAT smile. THAT smile that others see, the smile of CONTENT. If you were to look at many of our pictures that contented smile is there. And it's good. And it's REAL. Why, why can't I just remember that?

I know what you all are gonna say. So I can heal. But I don't agree. I think that this one sided view is just that-one sided. Why do we have to taint the visions of happiness? Can't we just end amiably? Is this a pipe dream in my mind? I don't think so. He wants to be friends. I want to be friends. I do really.

The problem with my feelings is that whenever I keep talking to him I want to be with him so bad. I want to keep trying. I want to wait for him...forever. So for now I keep thinking that. I keep thinking it COULD happen. Maybe we could TRY...



But he said he is done trying.
He said there is no more tries.
He said the trying is over.
For me, the crying has just begun.
The days we had are past
There's no more US there's ONE.
I tried so hard
I  tried so Hard 

http://www.abeautifulrippleeffect.com/2012/01/sometimes-you-need-to-say-these-four-words/

I tried SO hard with us...

and

I am trying to Let Go..I just CAN"T yet...I can't let go...

So Here We Are...Silent Alarm by Block Party for Video CLICK HERE
(the site would not allow me to embed so click link to see final video)