Recently in my relationships with men, things have not gone so great. Though I know it takes "Two to Tango, I also say it takes two to Tangle" as well. AS much as I feel that is the case, I do feel mainly responsible. I did not have to allow things to happen as they did. I did not have to make the choices I did. No one held a gun to my head and said break up with your ex over and over or keep bouncing back and forth. No one said be elusive, vague, difficult, unnerving, indecisive, strong, confident, stable, then clingy, needy, or insecure. Nope, it was me all me (pointing finger into my chest)...yep <----- this girl.
With that said... The Carrot
The grass is not always greener is the most truest statement I have come to find the largest Truth Quote out there lately. Someone dangled a carrot in my face and said "Hey look Bunny over here...I have food and shelter and I will give you what all those other people couldn't give you." I hopped over there to see what it was like and yes I nibbled. But then the carrot was gone and reality struck in. I looked around and saw I was in a cage. It looked familiar. I had been in a cage before. It was called 10 years of marriage and by the end I almost was clawing myself out. Also on this carrot were strings. Many, many strings.The strings holding those carrots were invisible to me. Invisible, until I got caught up in them and tangled and I got out saying "Whew thank goodnes I'm outta there!" I said, "I don't like this cage" and the minute I could I ran back to my green grass. Ah, yummy green grass that feels so good.
Then many carrots were dangled to me. There was a white carrot, a small carrot, an orange carrot and even some kind of carrots I have never seen before. I allowed myself to hop away once again and go see what all those many carrots were about. I found out one carrot was still stuck in the ground. I couldn't get it out so I left it and walked away. One carrot had a great part of it, but the rest of the carrot was pretty blah. I started noticing after awhile all the carrots didn't matter because what I really wanted was my safe, warm, green grass.
The problem with the grass is it has a fence around it. I could maybe get under it, but it was going to be difficult. It also has other critters living on the land and I didn't get along with the other critters so well. The grass also had splotches on it here and there. I am sure it could be fixed with time, but they were there and that left no place for me in those areas.
In between my bouncing and hopping I found a spot I could call home. It was filled with things I loved and safety and peace. It was calm and peaceful and seemed like a good in between place. I didn't see anything wrong with it. But what I wasn't seeing was how my safe little home was being run by a giant and I was actually in his house in a corner. He didn't used to be a giant, he used to be a carrot. But he turned into a mean giant after I left.
I went back near the grass but didn't eat the grass or get to play in the yard. I planted seeds, made my own grass and took care of my own grass. I fertilized right, I took care of it and I was doing okay in my own yard on my own grass. I even had a house. a Soul House. I took care of it, I protected it. No wolfs were gonna come in and blow it down. No one even got to come into my soul house. But then...
As luck would have it, someone opened the gate. I went back to my grass to see if I could live on the grass and deal with the critters. But alas I could not. But as mentioned to me, it was not JUST the critters. The grass was get wilting and feeling unwatered and nurtured. I was feeling ancy with the gate closed now and having to deal with these things.
Now I am grassless. I have no grass. I don't want my own grass. My yard is now filled with weeds. Unruly weeds. things that look like flowers but then I find out, they are just weeds. My fence on my yard is all busted and broken and the paint is chipping off. I don't care how it looks or feels. I don't want this grass or anyone else grass anymore.
I was recently told that all this time I have been feeling like others were dangling the carrots in front of me. But what I can't see or fail to realize is that "I" am the one dangling the carrot. I am the one holding it on a string saying "MMM yummy you want this carrot don't you? You know you do?" and that I am taunting and teasing and saying "You can have me, no you can't, yes you can, no you can't" and so on.They said they call this
The Carrot Effect
I want to be a back in my cozy yard. I want to be inside the fence. I want to be with other critters. I don't care about the other critters anymore. I would give anything to be back in that yard. But now it is too late. Now the yard has barbed wire going all the way to the sky and all the way into the ground. No more bunnies allowed. No more anything.
Aint no one getting in there...
...most especially he will never let me in there...
(The Hook and the Oats are in part two/three...stay tuned...)