Sunday, January 08, 2012

Scabs Wounds and The Stages of Broken Hearts

SCAB Wiki Def

Scab, a hard coating on the skin formed during the wound healing reconstruction phase ( intricate process in which the skin (or another organ-tissue) repairs itself after injury)

A scab takes time to heal.

It doesn't happen overnight.

A real scab has the chance to heal, to become new again, like there never was a wound. Sometimes it Scars.

Scarring is a natural part of the healing process. With the exception of very minor lesions, every wound results in some degree of scarring.

A Broken Heart is it's own wound and sometimes a Scar is left on the heart. Though that sounds like a song or a name for a piece of art it is merely a representation of how I feel.

Healing over a breakup takes time too. From what I have read there are various stages of a Broken Heart just like there is loss.

This blog says there are 5 stages and according to their standards I am only at Stage 3

Stage Three

The Crappy Part - Once you realize that your life will be different, this is what I call the crap-pi-phany (like epiphany). You go through the phase of listening to songs that remind you of them, cry into a pillow that still smells like them, and agonize about what's going to happen next. Your life may seem over, but trust me, time heals all wounds and even a broken heart will mend over time. This stage sucks, but it's vital believe me. DO NOT hold in your hurt, you'll only feel worst later on.

My This other article where they relate Breaking Up, Broken Heart to Grief, Loss...I am all over the place with this one...But often come back to Stage 1 Denial...

Denial: Ever since we split I have been spending most of my time in a state of denial. I find it is easier to remove myself from the sadness of reality by fantasizing about getting back together. My favorite version of this fantasy is one where my x and I meet unexpectedly in summer. I have a nice tan and a new haircut. I am happy and smiling; life is fine because I have moved on. He sees me and suddenly realizes that he loved me all along and life is empty without me. It all moves along nicely from there. Version two of the get-back-together fantasy: It is next week and  a cold, rainy night. He shows up at my door. He brings flowers. He begs me to take him back, and I, compassionately, tell him all is forgiven. I get somewhat agitated every time I realize that I am not predicting the future, or even forecasting a likely scenario. I am simply in denial that this break up is for good. At this point in time however, it brings me a relief from sadness that would follow if I rushed into cool acceptance of the facts

Although I meet the Bargaining Stage next...

Bargaining: This is the most annoying of all because I constantly beat myself up over causing the break up with my stupid need for love. Why couldn’t I just settle for less than perfect? He said, “I care about you” – why wasn’t that enough? Why didn’t I just wait to see if deeper feelings evolved over time? Perhaps seven months isn’t sufficient for some people. Maybe if I call him now and explain that I have made a terrible mistake, that I am happy to take whatever he is willing to give… maybe we can get back together and put this fiasco behind us. *Sadly, I cannot allow myself to do this. I want to love and be loved. It is simple, and I remind myself to be true.

And Of Course
Depression: Based on past experiences, I would say that I am prone to depression. In a queer way, all my sadness has created an abundance of energy, which has been channeled into manic activity. I suddenly rollerblade again. Not since I was 13 have I felt the urge to rollerblade. I suppose this is depression disguised as anxious distraction. Different sides of the same coin perhaps.
 I have that too. That Manic Activity. Stay busy, go do as much as I can. Take ART Classes and E Courses, help what little clients I have and be busy being an Entrepreneur trying to do new things. Problem is I have no major clients, I work from hom and so I have all day to think, listen to sad songs, watch sappy movies and cry.

Then there is my All Time Favorite : Making Your Break Up Suck Harder

10. And if you REALLY want to make your breakup suck harder tell yourself that you will never love like that again. This is a good one, because when you are in heartbreak hell, that feels like the truth. And the thought of loving someone else makes you sick. Like the 3 margaritas you drank this morning.

I do try however to do my Goddess Circle homework, Show Up like White Hot Truth says, but more and more I am getting to that "What's the point of life" feeling and it scares me.

I drive myself insane wondering did he like me better when I was stronger or when I am needy, insecure and weak? If I get strong again then will he want me back? Or will he move on as he says he is going to? Has he already moved on and not telling me because he is so worried about me as he says?

The final is Acceptance and I can get there. I still feel like I never will. We argued, we fought, we both were unhappy at time and elated at others, we oft times did not feel our needs were met, yet the sex was great or so I thought, we knew each other, we were good together, weren't we?

I am still working on some of those things to make it Suck Less through Blissbombed...

1. Don’t see him or talk to him for 60 days.

I am trying. We have exchanged a few emails, but not much. I sent him some items, which he said thank you for in email, but seemed hugely indifferent, and I cannot resist sending him things that will help his art. BUT, after a brief interlude today that turned sour I thought, Hmm, this is prob why I should NOT be talking to him. My one friend said talking to him is like picking at a scab. Every time it starts to heal I pick at it and reopen the wound. By talking to him I will never heal and I need to heal first

2 I am moving and stretching, doing Yoga, talking walks, doing a new fitness system and trying hard to energize though I really don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  (That's part of the SHOWING up I am trying to do)

3 Go out with friends. Hmm, yeah well. Not there yet. Instead I am locked away in my room doing art. Not a bad thing, but not great. I should go out, but I just can't yet. Yeah, me miss social butterfly.

4 I am not drinking and I am drinking water. I also have been writing and keeping up with my Morning Pages. I am starting a new Journal SOAR and tonight I took out the little pieces of paper my sister gave me for the Journal Jar and chose what ones would be good to use as prompts as well. WRiting is helpful for me. It is a good release.

This I am working on too. I am catching up on my Blog reading and my Right Brain Biz Plan. I am watching funny shows but these shows are also filled with that Love Hate thing and it is not easy.  I take long baths and super long showers until there i no water and plus I make it hotter than normal to escape. In there it is safe. In the shower I can cry and cry and no one hears me. In there I can be alone, truly alone and cry my heart out.

I did cry deeply to a friend yesterday and was scolded for not opening up and sharing sooner. I am glad that happened now because I do feel like I can cry more now and get it out when needed not hold it in as I have been.

I feel like I am living a fasad of a life still and the moments of happy are fleeting and not real. Not long after I am sad and hurt and confused and torn.

He has said in no uncertain terms he is DONE. He says if I love him like I say then I need to let him go and he even begged me to let him go. Well, can't get more done than that huh? Nope. It is just not that easy. He is the only person I really loved.  I am drawn to him and always have been. He has moved on and he has had enough of me. He wants to be rid of me, yet remain friends. In time that may be possible, but right now...

I just really don't want to be here. If I can't have him, I don't want to be with anyone. Not even me.

Stephanie from Blissbombed took a 6 month dating break and that is what I am doing now. No one for 6 months or more. No dates. No kissing. No compassion. Just me, work and life. I need a Relationship Cleansing. I have cleaned my Aura, read my cards, I am lighting my candles daily and saying my prayers, affirmations and actions.

All I wanted was marriage from him, now I don't want anybody.

Hopefully soon I will be able to go away. I don't want to say yet or how so I don't jinx it, but there is Hope in the air. I will leave the current existence and be gone somewhere else. I hope that happens and I can live like like a hermit. Do nothing, but work, create, plan.

My scab and scars have to heal though as the saying goes

"That's gonna leave a mark"

so I guess I will chalk him up to one more scar in my Emotional Scar Jar and maybe one day the scar won't be so visible...

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous4:01 AM

    So sorry to see you in so much pain. It sounds like you are trying to move through it, which is good. Your list of things to Make it Suck Less is a good one. Hold tight to your heart right now; it is bruised and hurting. You WILL heal. You WILL feel better again eventually. And you know that. I can read it in your words. It just takes time. Sending you some loving hugs....