Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Some E Cards for Healing

I receive many emails from various places. Some blogs of other Grokkers (like minded people), some of my bank balanace, and some that are nice to get to put a smile on your face (or at least try). Some just speak the truth so well of how I feel.

Some E Cards (someecards) are those. They are weird and unusual yet say thing we would never normally say. You can send one to be very or you can send one to be mean. They are just well, different. I chose a few cards today that I wanted to share:

The decision to try and get my life in order
This was the pyscho girl I was Saturday

I did finally get him to talk to me to help some closure (maybe)

This is what I think he is thinking

Sounds appealing right?

Need I say more?
This seems to be true

I am willing to do anything for him

Now I am severely depressed and didn't wake until noon today

Sorry, but she's not as hot as me

I hope one day he says "It didn't work out, can we try again?"

Already am and people look at you like your crazy when you do that ya know?

What she said

RIta, Lila, Lumen (from Dexter) I was all three, but that still wasn't enough I guess
In Dexter he said one of the reason why he felt so connected to Rita was because she was the only one who he felt was emotionally damaged as much as him and they bonded. I was once this person for him. Now I am nothing.

This sound ideal, let's try this?
The irony of this card to me is recently I was crying to a friend who said. "You play or sing right?" and I said "yes" she said "Have you ever been practicing piano or something and there are two notes and desperately they sound great, but then when you out them together and go to play them they sound horrible. You though, hmm I thought those two notes would have been perfect for each other. You wrote them in your music sheet, you played all the parts before it gearing up for it and then, it went from beautiful music the horrible sound where others around you say "STOP STOP STOP!!! stop playing those two notes together. Can't you hear that? Those two notes sound horrible together. But you don't hear it. To hear they sound like a concerto. Yeah that is what love and relationships are like. Maybe you an he don't play music well together."
Then I see this card. Hmm maybe there is something to that analogy after all.

This is how I feel now.

MY ex broke my heart and chose someone else immediately. He didn't wait. He didn't keep his ground with HER. He is holding his ground with me, but he didn't keep it with HER. HE said he tried, but well, he didn't try hard enough. IF he wanted to get his life together and not date and be single for awhile so as not to jump into another relationship...well he failed. HE has the ability to dig his feet in and has the ability to be strong and say "I like you but if you really care about me, now is not the right time." But he didn't. Why. Because he didn't want to. He wanted her as much as she wanted him.

And I think if truth be known and he asked her, she would confess that YES, she did avoid me. Yes she purposely did not go to parties where I was at and yes she was excited when I left because she thought she FINALLY could have a chance with him. HE would see she is not as innocent as he thinks her to be.

I do not mean to say anything negative here. I am sure she is a nice girl. HE wouldn't be with her if she was not. But women's motives where men are concerned are quite devious and well lady, you didn't fool me. Now, granted I understand that perhaps there was a part of that in both of their subconscious. I mean when he first talked about her to me I thought "OH shit I hope SHE never comes back into his life." Then she did and I thought "OH shit Im in trouble."

I kept asking him questions about if there was anyone at work he liked. Or if he saw anything from the girls there. He either was oblivious or didn't want to say.There were times they all worked late and I am sure she relished in it. I was even going to come a few times and he told me no. Hmm. I believe he was faithful with his body parts, but I don't think he or she were faithful emotionally.

So now my life is truly shit.
I didn't get the job that would have been perfect. 
I don't have him anymore.
I have so many financial issues.
I am tired of living this existence.
I want him in my life and he doesn't love me, he doesn't want me and there is never any hope for us.
To me, that says there is never any hope for ME.

So now I feel like this

Can someone just get me the F- outta here? I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I feel so fragile and I am tired. Tired of getting back on the horse. Tired of being strong. Tired of being alone. Done. I just want to run away. 
I just want to escape my own life...


  1. Hey! I take offense to all women being devious. I am not devious and know other women who are not the least devious. I'm just saying.

    Many years ago I remember thinking there was nothing left of me when I lost my man. I was suicidal. Literally.

    What I learned was: I really didn't want to die. No one else can or should be my entire life's purpose. No one else can or should be a big bandaid for my wounded self. I had to work on healing myself...on my own. Self pity isn't pretty. If I didn't like myself, there was no reason on earth for anybody else to. I was the only person responsible for me and had to stop thinking some prince charming was going to come along and fix me just because I was too tired to deal with my very own crappy life. That magical "if somebody just really loved me" everything will be okay thinking...not healthy.

    I am just telling you what I went through. And I can tell you: you are worthwhile...just you. You are not alone. Stick with your counseling. Work on you. Be kinder to yourself. Stop pushing and fighting. Slow down. Rest. Spoil yourself. Love up your Dude. Paint. Draw. Journal. God doesn't make junk. ;)