Monday, February 21, 2011

As the Journey Ends I Drag

As this journey ends of the Soul Restoration I feel myself dragging. I am reading blogs and watching videos and going online to see what other Brave Girls are doing and feeling. I find comfort in knowing that others too are struggling with the relase and letting go of something so wonderful that has taught us so much about ourselves.

I have not even been my usual self with all the recent changes in my life. A new move, a new life, searching for new jobs, living in a new place. I am trying to get accustomed to this new world I am in though it should seem familiar it is not. I am back amongst friends but things re not quite up to speed yet.

I still am searching for freelance contracts and this is a constant struggle. It is and always had been hard to explain to others , even someone who was with me for four years, why I didn't have a new contract and why they were not longer pouring over me like they used to. My response has now become what his used to be "I don't know."  It is not for lack of trying in every avenue I could and can do. then there is a new business I am launching in the midst of this. Waiting for business licenses to come through so I feel "comfortable" with moving forward in that area of my life as well. I don't want to start on new clients only to find there is a bump in the road. I would rather do it right the first time. So I wait. I hate waiting. BIG TIME.

Then there is being not quite in the area of where I want to be. Ia m close to Des Moines, but not quite where I want. I like the little town I am in and enjoy the family I am with. There have already though presented itself with challenges and issues here as Moon People from my family have surfaced and to hear that family members are still holding grudges on me after years breaks my tender, fragile heart. Brave Girls has taught me to acknowledge them as Moon People and I do and have. It is their loss and I feel sad for them that they carry this bitterness inside them for this long. Yet, I too feel punished for not being able to see an uncle who is so ver dear to me because of it all and it makes my heart sad, though I move on ANYWAY. :)

I have a space in the basement of my new shared home for my Brave Girl work though as I said, I am dragging. It is hard for me to get into it right now. I realized today why. If I finish them book and the assignments, then there is nothing left to do. Then it truly is OVER. Then I am on my own. I wonder if the other Brave Girls have though about this. That the reason why we don't want to finish all the lessons is the FEAR of being on our own.

I have learned so much about me. about how I am. about what I will and won't settle for. about my needs and what I want and what I need. I have learned about how to see Moon People and how to not allow them to destroy me. I have learned that I do not have to be a Broken Girl anymore. No more Crack Houses. I can be whole, full restored. But the thing is, I thought at the end of this that I would be...Restored that is....fully and you see, what I recognize is that I am not.

I am a MORE Restored person, but I am still restoring.  So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with this thought about the scriptures. We are asked to be like Christ. Christ is Perfect. Does that mean God really thinks we are to be Perfect? No, but we need to strive to be. So in this, I realize that I AM Restored and I will keep on Restoring.  It is OK to be on my own. 

I need to do it Anyway. I need to finish my books, Anyway. I need to move forward, Anyway. I need to stop dragging and stop fearing and keep living, Anyway.

I am a Beautiful Soul. I am not going to stop being a Beautiful Soul just because Soul Restoration is over.

I am going to be an even Better Beautiful Soul!!