Monday, March 14, 2011

Apathy

Do you know what Apathy is? The online dictionary says this:

1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.

So let's start here. My first husband got remarried...again Saturday. Today my younger son posted the pictures on Facebook. As I scroll through the images the word that comes to mind is just that...Apathy.

I feel so apathetic towards the pictures, situation or anything. This person I had my children with, this person I once dearly loved was now married to someone else and I was actually happy to feel

Absolutely Nothing.

Then today my BG Solomon friend posts a question out there about how is it two people who once loved each other and then years later... despise each other? It was surreal. My sister is right, you just never know how what you say and do will affect another person's life. I think that about him. How is it we once were so in love we had children and were crazy about each other to now it is like disdain? Apathy.

It is not that I don't care because of the person I am, I want to be happy for him and hope all is well with him and her. But there was nothing. Complete Apathy.

Perhaps it is what I am going through and feeling. This damn weekend keeps carrying over and this emotional feeling is overwhelming me again. Others would say I brought it on myself. Because I wrote the blog and it was about "other" people and I affected those other people. The "other people" then have since commented to me about my blog and how they felt about my writings.

Can I go bang my head on the counter now? I mean really. so I am to censor myself now? That is so unfair. I have been writing in this blog since 2005. None of those people were even in my life then.

This is my safe haven. This is where I am allowed to reach out for comfort, as well as inspire and encourage.

Here is the funny thing. I definitely am NOT apathetic towards all that. I am Empathetic. I have been there. I understand. I have been the person with whom is being mentioned on a site or in a blog or even heard through the grapevine of other people in a small town. I get it. It stings at times.

But the reality of who I am comes down to this

I am a writer. I write when i am sad, I write when I am happy, I write when I want to share, I write when I am afraid of hitting send like my other bloggers feel. My friend recently said it best when he said "It is a moment. That moment is what is captured. It is only a part of the story or a part of the person not the whole." Thank you for that. AMEN!

Yet, the hardship is that I care and I feel and I don't like to be hurt and I definitely don't like to hurt someone else. I mean no harm. Hearing that someone else is bothered by my words makes me want to curl up in a corner, hide under the covers and not come out for days.

BUT, because of Brave Girls, I won't. I will move forward anyway. I am not taking the blog down either. That would be an old me thing to do. No. I have a right to speak my mind and my truth. I have to be able to deal wit the consequences and sadly that may be hurting another and sadly still that may be those person not wanting to have anything to do with me. the BG part of me says, I hope that isn't so, but if so, so be it.

The Trisha part of me (weak and strong self duking it out here) feels sad and more lonely than ever.

There is more feeling that apathy here...there is raw uncut emotion and I feel if I keep crying and feeling this way I may make my own river.I can't please everyone. A Brave Girl truth once said

"You can't be responsible for other people's thought or actions. You can only be responsible for yourself."

I am trying TruthTeller, but today..can I just go back to bed?