Friday, March 25, 2011

What's in a name?

My mother is a Spiritualist. I grew up with candles, crystal balls, and Tarot Cards. I grew up with a belief in things not many other people understood or fathomed. Part of this knowledge was Numerology. The number in your name meaning something. Each name has a different context, connotation and connection as well. When we shorten the names our family gave us we then become a different person. Not just to others, but to ourselves as well. WE are no longer our mother's daughter or father's son. We break away from the pack and become into our own.

I remember growing up everyone called me Patty. It was who I was and what I knew. We had a friend in the family who was older and she also was Patty. She was Big Patty and i was Little Patty. I doubt as she got older she liked being called "Big Patty" but yet to this day she goes by Patty. I think if that name like Baby said in Dirty Dancing.

"Everyone called me Baby and it didn't occur to me to mind" Everyone called me Patty and I felt the same. But as I got older and moved to California, I didn't feel like Patty really suited me. Somewhere around my teen years I asked to be called Trisha by my friends or Patricia. In high school this is how most of my friends knew me.

One select friend Mr.PIP Guy was teasing me about nicknames. He said "I know I'll call you Scooter!" considering he was two years older and I had the biggest crush on him, I did not however agree to being called "Scooter". We settled on Pat and the name stuck. With the exception of one of my other friends I was in Young Single Adults with, her and her family call me Pat. And Mr. PIP calls me Pat. But Pat also is a different entity and only shown to those select few.

My nieces and nephews all called me Aunt Patty and as time went on I began to really hate that name. When I had gone through counseling and brought up the past to heal I learned how much that name stung in my side because of my past occurrences with others who used that name. It made me feel like a 12 year child, helpless and unable to function.

I reached out to family and friends when I could or when Patty was mentioned and asked if they would stop calling me that. It has taken some work, but for the most part I am now called Trisha, Trish, or Aunt Trish. Ah, yes, much better sounding now. Now I smile when you call my name. Now I want to be called that.

Trisha is fun. Trisha lives life. Trisha doesn't let anyone stop her. Trisha is bold, daring and unafraid. I like Trisha. I am her. To everyone now I introduce myself as Trisha. I even now have on my business cards Trisha. It is me. I becomes me.

Through my travels and journeys in life I have been given nicknames. For me these nicknames stated who I was at the time and though some have left me, others remain. But because I have been challenged recently about being a Princess so much lately, it has really made me think. Not just one friend or one person, but for the past year I have been challenged as to why I go by Princes. Where did that come from? Why do I use that? What am I saying about myself?

A few years back a Graphic Designer friend in 2007 and others who knew me when I owned Webit, Inc, my corporation out of Las Vegas, used to call me Rockstar Trisha! They said I lived the life of a Rockstar. they said I was a Rockstar because I could get things done. They said I am Rockstar Trisha because I did what I wanted and expected others to follow. They said I was near Diva, but better because I was kind and still give you the shirt off my back, but I take no prisoners or crap! :)

I then owned this name. I did feel like a RockStar. I had a thriving and successful corporation. I was able to provide my children without thought. I had employees, I traveled, I paid myself a good salary. I was living the high life and the bathrooms out of the hotels I stayed in, you could have played baseball in. I even remember one time texting a picture to my oldest niece MS. VideoGirl about it and she quickly sent back "HELL YA! Go Aunt Trish!"

But, all of that faded. My life was not exactly what it looked like on the outside. Underneath it was a fight, a battle. My ex and I were separated for two years and I decided to get a divorce. I was tired of fighting with him and taking care of his irresponsibilities. The business began to crumble and I with it.

I lost the inner Rockstar and became broken and unwhole. I was searching for something I just wasn't sure what...happiness...true love...life?? I was getting my feet back together as much as I could. But I was keeping my head above water in the sea of life. I was far from a Rockstar and did not want anything to do with that name.

I met a man and followed him to his world and entered his life. I picked myself up off the ground and showed him my true colors. he helped me see things I could not see about who I was and the issues and insecurities I had. After some time I found solace in a friend named Sara. She was my counselor. She was the only person I could be whole and true and real with. I grew and become my own again.

But who was I? A long, long time ago in a land far away called Belmont Shores there was a girl named Trixie. She was strong and beautiful and lived life to the fullest. She was unafraid. She was fearless. She was not afraid to be herself. I remembered her. I realized I was becoming her again.

Trisha Trixie came out of needing a Twitter handle and my real name was taken. I took on TrishaTrixie as a persona and with Social Media on the rise, it became me. fun, flirty, giggly Trisha Trixie.

But the funny thing is...we do not truly become the nicknames that we are unless we own them and keep them. In discussing with other friends about the names a few good friends all said the same thing without even realizing the other was saying it. When too many people say the same thing and don't even know each other...well, it is time to listen. They said "I don't think you are any of those nicknames. I think you are you. You are real. You are unafraid to be anyone but you. you are fearless and not concerned with standing out in the crowd.You live life to the fullest. You are kind and caring. you give people the shirt off your back. You want to change the world. You want to make a difference. You are phenomenal and amazing jsut by being you."

Who am I? I am me. I am Trisha.