Have had one of those Emotional Days? You can't really put a finger on it. You just are? People ask you "What's wrong?" and you can't really tell them. or they ask "what are you thinking?" and you want bang your head because you honestly and truly have no idea?
Yeah. Well that is me today.
I mean it is not that I am NOT thinking, it is most likely I am thinking TOO MUCH! My head does hurt today. I think the best representation would be to imagine a bunch of circles scrawled on a piece of paper. I mean a lot. Fill up the page. There are more circles than you can imagine. Some large and some small. That is my brain. That is how I think. That is how I am thinking today. Usually the paper is half filled or most filled, but today, I think it is pretty filled up.
Songs are really touching me and speaking out. Things I am hearing are jumping out at me. Everything is hitting me hard and I am feeling it. But in a way I almost felt this coming on. And no it's not "that time" so that is not why I am EMO. I just am. I just get this way sometimes. I get a heavy heart and things hit me. Like I said I felt it coming on.
I was out to eat last night after having a great day with Mr . Architect , going to the Art Gallery, an Architectural Salvage place and just hanging, the later plans to go see The Nada's.In the course of attempting to get to know him I got the "I don't know where I am going. I don't know what to call anything. I don't want to label things. I just want to be." He was being honest and open and I admire that, but it took all my might not to get up from the table and go to the bathroom and break down in tears. I literally had to look at my food, stop eating and concentrate on a totally different thing in the restaurant for awhile so I didn't cry at the table.
It started a bit before that though when we were waiting and I made the mistake of blurting out something in playful banter to the effect of"me being worth it" meaning him being in pain (his back hurt) and overtired etc and he commented he didn't know if I was worth it. (OUCH) Ya, I did get up and go to the bathroom there to gather myself.
So as I was sitting there, already stinging from the comment before wondering a barrage of thoughts, I am trying to listening and not cry. He knows me. He knew me from before my first spouse and yet, he doesn't know me because we have not talked in 20 is years. I am not that person anymore than he is the person he was before which I felt was very mean to me but in his moments of sincerity ad kindness to me then, was some one, I so very truly much admired. It made me realize that when you connect with others from your past it becomes an issue because you feel certain things should "roll over" to use my nieces words and pick back up. But yet, it is like it is brand new. I think with him that is the hardest. I knew him before others in the group that challenge me and so I should come first. But wait, he doesn't understand that the "Trisha needs to be first" is an issue so that is not going to come off right. But he doesn't know I am spoiled, but wait he doesn't know I am not a spoiled BRAT anymore, just spoiled and that's my 2nd spouses fault for showing and giving me the finer life. He also doesn't know I do have a thicker skin now, but I am still tender hearted and that is because my ex boyfriend made me stronger, though if you over tease and pick on me you will make me cry.
See what I mean?!?!?!
As I was sitting there and he was talking I really had to hold it together. He was very nice and was not mean in anyway. It wasn't how he was saying it, it was what he ACTUALLY was saying. I felt my stomach knot up and my eyes well up and the feelings I think of my own insecurities started swirling.
I will admit right here I truly am spoiled. I know it. I know I expect a lot out of people and for years I lowered my expectations only to be hurt, let down and burned. People told me I had to compromise and I had to give in. Settle. No thanks. I know people think I want more than I should and I need to choose the qualities on the list and if most of them fit then I SHOULD be happy, right?
Hmmm...yes perhaps in other people's world.
But in my righteous indignation I feel this:
Why do I always have to be put last. When it comes to friends who have known me for a long time, I feel as though I should be put to the top of the list. I mean hell I knew you first, right? If I tell you I am uncomfortable about someone, telling me to just "deal with" is NOT an acceptable answer anymore. When I hear you say "I don't know where I am going" or "I haven't got my life figured out" I want to run to the hills. It is just like when someone tells me they have kids and have legal battles. I get the same feeling which is...
I don't know if I can go through that again...
My thoughts race. Do I really expect THAT much? Am I ever going to find someone that fits the bill EXACTLY? Am I even going to get close? Are there any other driven men out there? Is there anyone who knows what they want like me and are searching and striving towards it? Is there someone who desires to read the scriptures with me, go to church with me, and share something spiritual as well? Are these qualities really THAT hard to find?
Then I get indignant. Why the hell couldn't Mr. Artist be that! Why can't things be right for us right now? Why did he have to choose family over me? Why wouldn't he marry me? and of course, the ever so present question that eventually comes out...
What is wrong with me??? Understand, here. I am human and we all think this. If you think you don't you are lying to yourself. I do think it too. I just allow it come and then let it go.
Nothing is wrong with me. Well, not nothing, but you know what I mean. I am not perfect nor feel I am. But I am worthy. I am worth it even if you are not sure yet. I would much rather like it of course if a man for once said I was worth it from the start...not "hmm, we will see" cuz then I start thinking, "Well, maybe it's not worth trying to let you find out."
All of that sent my insecurities to the roof. Maybe I will forever be the girl standing in the corner of the parties I was in High school that no one wanted to ask to dance. Maybe I still am that girl inside that never got asked to prom and went to every dance alone. This made me think, we grow and change who we are, but the insecurities are still with us and mine, that feeling of not fitting, not belonging and not having the someone who fits with me, resounds in my heart.
Mr. Metaphor is close, but he still does not carry with him the spiritual side of things I desire in a man to be and well, when you talk about deal breakers, that is where I have the hardest time of deciding. You have to have a relationship with God. I don't want a beer drinker, get drunk, drunk dial me kind of guy. I want a guy who wants to serve God, who wants to read the scriptures with me, who wants to go to church with me and who wants to have the joy of Christ in his heart...
Oh, yeah...and everything else too :) lol
I guess I shouldn't answer "I don't know why I am EMO today" because I do. I am EMO because I have that sinking feeling that I am the opposite of "not good enough" for the men I date, but yet..."I am too much"
Too much is what killed me with Mr. Artist. He said in the very beginning "People always think I am Too Much" and that is probably the bet quote that define me yet. I thought he and clicked there, but in there end, my Too Muchness felt to him like I needed babying, pandering to, over attention, and just TOO MUCH of everything.
I will work on not allowing my feeling of inadequacies in this area affect me. But this is why I am EMO today. My TOO MUCHNESS has taken over... :(