Monday, January 24, 2011

♥ of gold


♥ of gold so lucky is the man that can make it SHINE :)

That's what my friend posted me today. I hear so many times, I SHINE, I Sparkle, I Shimmer. As I said this to her. Through this excavation of Soul Restoration I am learning little by little and coming into an understanding of my own that perhaps it is not "lucky is the man that can make it SHINE :)" but as I told her

"Lucky is the one who gets to bask in my SHINE"

I am a Beautiful Soul. I am no longer afraid to say I deserve the best. Others may not understand, but that is not my concern. I deserve happiness. I deserve to be put first. I deserve to not have to settle. I am worthy of love and deserve it.

I deserve to SHINE!

I remember the day when others were drawn to me. I mean they are now, but when others were really drawn to me. I have been cerebrating this and really giving it thought. I was thinking about what was going on in my life and what made me SHINE more then, than now? What made others desire to be near the SHINE?

1-I was following Christ
2-I was standing up for me
3-I was grounded

These things above made me stable and confident and high on life that I didn't need alcohol, other substances, men or other issues to make me feel whole. I was whole because of me. I did not need others approval, acceptance, or attention. I said NEED, but if I got it, hey that's great. Thanks for that.

If you were not okay with my decisions then so be it. Sorry, but that was just how I was. I love life and I savor it, but I have not been devouring it as I used to. Little by little my wings are unfolding though and I am starting to see me again. I am not living for what the men in my life want. I am sorry that they are not happy with my choices or decisions, but this is what I need and what I want and what is right for me.

The other thing is my counselor always asks me "when were you the most happiest?" so I keep pondering that one too. WWSS always culminates in my mind. Her initials start with S so it What Would S________ Say?!? I think back to that often through this process. When WAS I the most happiest? I am searching for the answers to that question through this process. along with "What is best for me?"

How I come out of this, I do not know. All I know is how I feel now. I feel like I am still wobbling a bit, but each week, I am standing a little stronger. Each week, my faith gets built higher. Each week my confidence comes back. I already have a strong sense of where I will be and how I will be in the end and it may not be what others want of me, but again, THAT is not my concern. what "I" want for me and what "I" think is best for me is the ultimate outcome.

In the Road to Recovery session I attended at Stonebridge last night after church that woman who shared her story touched me because my life emulated hers so much it scared me. The outcome was that she was putting Men in her life instead of God. Co-Dependant issues. Never thought of myself as being this way, but it gave me new light to think of.

I know I need to start being ok with being alone again. I need to be ok with me first before I can be ok with anyone else. Step by step I am doing that. She also mentioned how going to Recovery she had a hard time at first but each time she "Suited up and Showed Up" and I thought as I lied in bed today at 11am, which for those who know me is horribly sleeping in for me, that I need to do the same. So I pulled away from my comfort blanket, put on my Soul Strength playlist and got ready for the day, makeup etc even if I was going to be working from home.

The Road to Restoration and Recovery is not easy...but I know it will be worth it.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drsMyeXzLSo
Heart of Gold Jhonny Cash