Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where to Begin - So much to say....

Oh where to begin today. I have so much in my head that I do not know if my fingers will be able to keep up with my typing.

First off I would like say a few things about what I am going through. This process has not been easy for me, but I know it has been worth it.I am most certainly learning about myself and learning how to deal with my past and how to release it where I need to and embrace it where I need to. I have cried many tears and I know I will cry more. Tears are healing so i am ok with that.

Second, While going through process I truly do believe that I am softening. Which I think is a very good thing for me. I am so strong and tough feel like I have to be so strong all the time to be there for others, to deal with my life, to be there for my children, to be there to hold up the world. Brave Girls has taught me that it's ok, I don't need to hold up the world. I can rest, I can relax, I can just be me. We are learning this week to Embrace our Weak parts and join hands with our Strong Parts. I am excited about that, and will talk more on that in another blog when I load my project up. But I am excited I will say for this project because I think learning to Embrace the Weaker parts of ourselves allows us to accept ourselves more.

Third, being me. I have worried so much in my business life what others are doing and what others are saying and where others are in the business that I have not just allowed myself to be me. I took a step back in my Time Line at when I was successful and what that meant. A SR Truth I saw says "It is time for you to come up with your own definitions of happiness and success." So I looked back and looked forward to do just that.

I realized that a good part of that entailed me being myself and being what I like to be. If I want to wear hot pink nail polish then so be it. If I want to wear colored bangles, then I will! I need to stop worrying about the fact that it is "unprofessional" or not "normal". As my good friend KSM says on her blog, "Normal is a setting on a dryer" and I love that! I have worried so long about not only pleasing the business people in my life, but also pleasing the men in my life. My ex spouse hated my hair in barrettes and headbands, so I didn't wear them. How dumb is that? Just because he didn't like them. Other men have said they didn't like the way I dressed too cute or acted too silly, talked too much or was too cheery. Some thought I dressed to risque. Then there was who I was spending my time with, who I was talking to and who I was hanging out with. Again, trying to please someone else I have allowed friends to go by the wayside and lose good friends who cared about me and were a support to me. Then there was what I ate and/or drank to make them happy. All in all, I have realized I am spending far too much time appeasing and pleasing others and not me. I am not choosing my happiness.Why?

Well, I used to say "the consequence was too high." To me that meant that I knew it was going to be a battle or a confrontation and I just didn't want to deal with it. So instead of standing up for these things, or standing up for me, I gave in. I settled, I conceded, I compromised. It was too tiring to fight against an abusive husband or struggle with a indecisive boyfriend . It was too frustrating to fight for my needs and wants when constantly being told that desiring, wanting and yearning for those needs are Selfish, Bratty, Spoiled and Unwarranted. Even if I felt like that judgment was wrong that I had a right to want those things, that I had a right to ask for happiness, that I had a right to ask to be put first, or that I had a right to want more out of life.

But a little here and there I would gather strength or courage to do so and of course the usual comeback of "I don't know who you are" or "I can't talk to you anymore" usually follows. When discussing this within the safety of the forum it was brought to my attention that this could be a form of sabotage and I nearly fell on the floor when I heard it.

Why you ask? Because in 2006 when I cleaned my plate of those other destructive people in my life, I heard the same thing. Instead of supporting me and uplifting me and embracing this with me, I get to feeling that - sabotaged.

I am vulnerable right now and allowing ourselves to stay that way is not easy. Embracing that is hard. When we are weak, and trying so very hard to strengthen ourselves, this is when we need those supporting us. I like to think of that picture of the guys all trying to raise the flag at Iwo Jima...they are all there to help and support each other to get it there.


I need that right now. Others may not agree with my choices. Others may not like the clothes I wear, or the friends I hang out with. They may not like the choices I choose that make me happy. But I realize that I need to stay diligent in my quest for happiness and diligent in my desire for this, finding of me. What I want matters.

Another SR Truth says "Remember how good it feels to be home and protect it FIERCELY!" That last word is what jumps out at me.

The Dictionary says:

`Extremely intense or ardent: fierce loyalty. See Synonyms at intense.
~Strenuously active or resolute: a fierce attempt to escape.


It also says it could be this:

~Very difficult or unpleasant-A fierce exam
~fiercely - in an emotionally fierce manner


I think protecting your Soul House all of those apply. FIERCE!

I am becoming me again. I know what I want. I know what I won't settle for. I will NOT compromise on that. My Soul House, my Home is restoring and I like how it feels. I like that it feels good to be happy and elated and joyful. I like the friends I have and I like hanging out with them. I like the happiness that improving myself is bringing. I don't want to go back to being a roller coaster of emotions and the people in my life don't want me there, they just aren't sure of this person. This person scares them. This person is strong and confident and secure. This person, scares the heck out of them. I get that. I do I really do. When others see you improving yourself, it scares them. I am not sure if it is because they see the insecurities in them self or if they just are not ready to move with you. And if they aren't moving with you, then you are moving on. That, that is what I think scares them the most. That you might move on without them....

Lastly,

I want to leave you all with this amazing Ted Talk that was shared by another Brave Girl. And ask that you take the time to watch and listen to what she has to say...