This has been a trying week for me. I embrace this because of who I am. If I am going to do something I am going to do it right. As well, my mother made me Very aware of my surroundings, who I am, and how to be "in tune" with myself. I do beleive I am getting a lot out of this so far and will continue to do so. I was talking to a friend about this last night and it was decided that not only because of what I have gone through, but because of my mother raised me, has really helped me embrace this process. I would have to agree.
I have really taken on the craft part , yes, as have many other women. but as I read the forums I see that many have been emotionally challenged with the "Journaling" Part of this. Some are not in tune while others are scared to death. I embrace it head on, but my stomach feels like it is in my chest and I feel like vomiting often, I just keep pushing through. I feel like if I gave up on conversations and life and circumstances every time it felt a little rough, I would never be the Diamond that I am. And I am you know....A GEM! I am Unique and Rare. I am Special. I am worthy.
Those along with others are some Truths I have been telling myself this week to reinforce my solidarity and overcome the lies I have been telling myself. Those are the hardest to deal with. The Lies we tell ourselves. I debated sharing any or not because I do not that by all it will be take well, but I decided that it is not my responsibility for others will or won't take them, others learn through another's experiences and by sharing these maybe another will learn. I am not willing to share my soul however, but here are some:
I don't deserve happiness
I am too broken for anyone to ever want me
I am too broken to love
I am ruined
I don't matter enough to be put first
I have nothing to offer the world
I am not smart enough or intelligent enough
If I get old no one will want me
No one is ever going to desire to marry me again
As I said there are others, but they are even deeper into my Soul House and very few will be allowed in there again. I have to protect it. It is special. It is tender. I have to cherish it and take care of it. I have been letting people rearrange my furniture for far too long. My windows are broken, the paint is chipped and the rug is half lifted from the floor showing some of the amazing hardwood underneath. When I look deeper I see that floor was pretty amazing once. It can be again.
As I said in another post I cut out some truths this week. I have been using them in my collage, but a few I have scattered around my room, bathroom and I have THREE sitting on my computer reminding me:
"You don't have to settle for things that make you feel small and powerless...you always have a choice"
"There are wonderful, kind, supportive, selfless people in the world, lots of them! These are the people that you deserve to spend you time with. Don't settle for anything less, punkin!" (and yes the truth really says punkin on it. Alot of them say sweetie, honey, punkin etc)
"It is time to stop settling for less"
Those are the tree I keep staring at...I fear if I keep staring at them too long they might scorch up in flames. I am chanting those words constantly.
I DESERVE HAPPINESS
IT IS TIME TO STOP SETTLING FOR LESS
I am tired of settling. Settling for being moved around. Settling for what time I get with my children. Settling for the way men treat me.Settling for others that don't put me first. Settling for being the last one of the kids that gets picked for teams.Settling for being the person is always to blame. Settling for being the one who doesn't get invited to the kewl kids crowd. Settling for being pacified with attempts at Unity, to constantly be told I MUST WAIT, I MUST BE SECOND, OTHERS WILL ALWAYS COME BEFORE YOU, OTHERS MEAN MORE TO ME THAN YOU, and settling...for Companionship...when...what I want...desire...and deserve...is my knight and shining armor and fairy tale ending and to be not JUST be loved, but to have someone who loves me enough to trust me enough to beleive in ME enough and in GOD enough, to share it with the world.
I'm done.Done settling.
The cards are on the table. Show em if you got em. Cuz I am tired and worn and broken. My life has been rough and hard and not filled with moments of happiness, yet because of my mother's training and my faith in God I always found the light and found happiness and I will find it again.
I remember my mother saying..."Turn the page, next, new chapter, new story."
She also said,"When you get rid of all the junk and the trash and the garbage in your life, it's amazing what great things start happening to you and for you!" Well, My House is Closed for Restoration and I am working on De Cluttering. I am giving things a new look and looking through a different lens. I am also looking at all the people on the outside of the House I kicked out this week and who I will let back in. Some are standing on the porch, some left and just went to the Moon on their own, and Some gathered together and sat down and had tea while waiting.
Others, they are pacing right now and I am waiting to see what they do. There are more than a few of them out there too. Friends and others...wondering what am "I" going to do.
But see here is an epiphany I had tonight...one the drive home...while they are on the outside they could be planting seeds, tending to things on the outside, around my soul house...and also what are they doing to take care of their OWN Soul House during this time?? Hmm what about that???
Those two things REALLY matter to me, too. What are they doing to tend their own soul house and what are they doing while on the outside of my soul house? More Truths...are starting to unfold every...single...day.