Sweatpant Phase 1
Stripclub Phase 2 (for girls I think it's Karoake)
Picturing yourself with someone else Phase 3
I was standing at Kmart (can't go to Target anymore because that is where WE always shopped and fits of tears in a superstore makes people look at you funny...believe I know it has happened recently)...
Anyway, was standing there getting the small items I needed since I was ACTUALLY out of my sweatpants and into real live people clothes. (Problem is you can be out of Phase 1 temporarily and tend to go back into it) OK I was in jeans and a baggy shirt, no makeup and no jewels, but I was out. Mind you, I looked like shit, just ran into my ex's brother in law and was so extremely happy I looked like shit. Ok, that was a rare moment of thought because if I looked great then everyone would think "I am fine" and I MOST certainly am NOT! (stewie reference)
I decide while I am out, to go to Kmart. I rarely shop at Kmart. I grew up with Blue Light specials and all but what can I say, the clientle in my area and most has gone down. Kmart just isn't what it used to be. (rambling sorry)
So I get tape to send off some boxes I have to others of things I can no longer stand or bear to look at from him. I try to decided which tape will seal the deal better and stand there dumbfounded just for that thinking about sending these things to various places and truly asking myself if I WANT to do that, if I really want to give these things away? Irregardless, I buy two rolls of Shipping Tape (who knew there were so many varieties of tape just to send a box or package).
I wander over to Pain relief to try to buy more Excedrin only to figure out now why I can't find any Excedrin anymore. They took it off the shelves. People ruin the good stuff for everyone. Get Tylenol Release Caps as a means to MAYBE make the headache subside a bit more (though I know this really requires going to Neurologist again but he is pricey so I make do with OTC supplements)
I buy another tube of Crest Paste toothpaste so I can brush my teeth in the shower and remove one step from my day to make way for other things of importance in my life....like crying, sleeping, coughing, watching movies or being in misery or despair. Oh wait, that is only most days right now. Sometimes I have a good day and ACTUALLY shower, get into real pants and maybe sketch a bit or do some healing through art crafts etc. But that is rare. Generally crying and sleeping have taken over my day. Eating is NOT on the top of the list unless it is Slim Life Tea or Peanut Butter Power Bars to get me through the day.
I am almost out the door when there is a sale on Nice and Easy Hair Color. I am looking at the end cap of colors and stand there picking up a box and then putting it down. Picking up a different color and then put it down. Red, no. Auburn, yeah, no. Blonde again, nah. I dare to look at browns, brunettes and even go as bold to look at...BLACK. WHOA! I flip it over to see what it will do to blonde and I think, if I do black on blonde will my hair turn gray? I put the box down. Brown, yes. Red ish no. I did red. The she before was Red. This SHE is brownish red. No no red. I want to be DIFFERENT. I want to REALLY change my color. I want this to be DRASTIC!
I set the box down and slowly walked away...not today...I am not ready for that just yet....sigh...
But, when I am...then I know I will be ready for change.