Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why I Run...the Epiphany through SOAR




I was working through my SOAR journal today and I had an epiphany. The more odd thing was, when I had JUST got done writing my counselor called me. (I have the best counselor ever btw...I know I probably shouldn't but I think of her as my friend as much as counselor, if not more) On top of that, I started SHARK WEEK as it was once called in a show I used to watch and it hit me that last week was my EMO week that I normally have with my PMDD. I have never been fully diagnosed with that, but I am sure I have it.

Mainly MAJOR, debilitating depression, mood swings, loss of control, panic attacks and more. Click the PMDD link to read more if you are interested. Just that is not what THIS post is about

 The teacher of this course has been through very similar things as I have-rape, molestation, abandonment, abuse, and many other life issues that have affected us both. Many related to men or lack therof. She was sharing about Letting Go. Letting Go and Moving On has been the hardest part of my recent loss. Though we were not married, we WERE together for 4 years and lived together and it FEELS like now we are divorcing. IT sucks. A lot. I feel at times as though it is killing me, my chest hurts, I can't breathe and I really don't know how I am going to face the world.

But lately, since he and I have been talking it has helped immensely and it got me to journaling again.Letting Go of J is that hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Reading what Anita was saying about how she had a hard time letting go of her past and teh abuse and the pain.

"Last week I touched on the importance of letting go. We cannot change the past, but there are instances when we may have to let go of the past, and sometimes to do that we have to deal with it...for many years that affected my relationships with other people. I wasn’t even aware I did this until I was well into my adult years. I believe it was a mechanism meant to protect myself. If I felt that a friendship or relationship was going to be painful or hurtful, I bailed. I wasn’t ready to invest the time or effort into maintaining long-term relationships. In part, it had a lot to do with the fact that I had very low self-esteem and probably I felt I didn’t deserve loving relationships. (This part is about her friend) When she was about ten years old, her father began to sexually molest her. This continued until she left home. Years later when she was raped, it brought back a flood of memories and she just snapped. She suffered a nervous breakdown."

 When I read this I thought at first, yes but I did all that work with S in the past few years and I don't have those issues anymore and I am fine, I am better right? I already have let go of all that haven't I? But then I reread it again and it hit me like a mack truck carrying a load of bricks!

If I felt that a friendship or relationship was going to be painful or hurtful, I bailed...and probably I felt I didn’t deserve loving relationships.

Well, I lost it. I burst into tears and poured my heart out as I realized that was me. That was my life. My mother left when I was young 6 years old and kept coming back and forth in my life, my sister who was like the second mother to me ran away when I was 8. Not long after I was molested by someone close to me. Then at 10 my father died and I felt so abandoned, scared and alone. My mother remarried when I was 13 but he was so worried about stepping on toes he didn't want to be the "father figure" he wanted to be my friend my confidant, which he was, but it wasn't what I needed. When I was 14 someone else close to me tried to molest me, when I was 18 I was date raped by my first boyfriend in front of others who allowed it to happen, my second boyfriend I ended up pregnant with, having two kids and being in an abusive relationship in many ways. (I do not share these to make you feel sorry for me, I share them because perhaps it will heal another 's heart and also help you gain understanding) I finally got away with someone I thought was going to protect me and take care of me. He was 10 years older and we were together for 10 years before I realized I was not happy, I was miserable and I was so ANGRY at life, him and everything. We separated and while my divorce was coming to a close I met J. He was younger, he loved me, he accepted me and we clicked, we fit, we meshed, we were meant to be together. But like any couple we had issues and I truly feel I was no better than his ex because I allowed my insecurities to get in the way of us...in the way of happiness.

Right now I am having such a hard time dealing with what is going on with J because I never wanted us to end. I never wanted us apart. I truly DID want US, but ,aybe I HAVEN'T been able to Let Go because of my past.

~My insecurities of Abandonment (mother, sister leaving, father dying)
~My insecurity of no one being there to protect me when that person molested me.
~My insecurity that I had no male figure to show me how I was supposed to be loved, no big brother or good friend to protect me from the bad men
~I didn't date all through HS for fear someone would try something with me and thus did not learn what others do about how love works, how it comes and goes, how to act and react
~I had no female figure showing me I was supposed to stay when teh going got tough. No, I love my mother and sister but they did not show me this. They both agree, they showed me how to run, how to BAIL as Anita put it.

~I run before you can run out on me
~I break up or leave before you can do that to me
~I reject you before you can reject me
~ I run because if I have the control of how the hurt is dealt then you can't hurt me, but the reality is, it DOES hurt me and it hurts me WORSE because like now I want to bang my head against the tile, beat myself senseless and end this suffereing that I, "I" "ME" "MYSELF" caused because of my fears
~I run because I THINK this gives me control but it does NOT, it takes AWAY my control
~I run because I keep telling others"YOU, YOU fear commitment, you won't commit to me" when really it is ME. :( "I" am the one who is afraid of commitment. J kept saying, "I don't know how much MORE committed to you I can be. A piece of paper, a ring won't give us that.I AM committed to you! We live together, I bend over backwards for you, I bought flowers for you, I gave you space, I did everything. I am more committed than you know" 

I didn't see it.
 I thought it was him.
All along it was me.
Stupid me.

~I run because I feel so connected that I fear if you Break Up with me, I will Break.
~I run...because I am afraid you will Let Go of Me...

The stupidity, the heart wrenching, gut aching, pain that I feel right now...is because of me.
I am so sorry. I didn't see it. I didn't know it was me. I didn't know I ran for these reasons.

I didn't know.
Until now.
and now...it's too late....

and at this moment of my pain today, S called me. I poured my heart out to her and told her my epiphany and you know what she said? She said something like,

"That is very proud realization. I don't think you could have gotten there if you were still with J. You had to get there on your own."

Sad to say, believe me very very sad to say, but I fear she is right. I am sorry it took me however many times to leave to finally get here. I am sorry I couldn't give you the happiness you desired because MY heart was not ready. I am sorry I blamed you, or pointed fingers or said it was teh lack of YOUR effort.

I realize now how untrue that really is.

When I said I wanted more, I was wrong. It wasn't that I WANTED more and had to leave. It was because I SAW more and it scared teh living hell outta me and I thought

"I don't deserve this. I am unworthy of this love. I felt undeserving of his kindness and tenderness. I don't deserve someone who buys me flowers. I don't deserve someone who gives me any art thing I need to help my drawing grow. I don't deserve a man who loves me for me and accepts me with my faults, hang ups and insecurities. I don't deserve a man who will make sure my headaches are tolerable and runs through a list in his head to make sure he has checked everything off to make me better. I don't deserve a man who will put up with me, my cat, my kids, my chaos, my serial entrepreneurial ideas instead of work. I don't deserve this. This is wrong. He can't REALLY love me. HE will realize all these faults with me. He will see how broken, fragile and dysfunctional I am and want to get rid of me. I need to leave before he does. I need to run."

 J was everything I wanted and more. But I made it impossible for him to love me when I just kept leaving and running away. A person can only stand someone walking out on them so many times. I get it. I understand it. I see it now. I don't like it. But I see it. It's too late. But I see it. And I am sorry for the pain I caused you.

Now I have made the largest mistake ever in my life. I have lost the love, tenderness and admiration of the only man who ever really loved me for me. No agenda. No issues. No stealing, No games. Now it's gone.

Forever. It's too late....

But...it got me to here.

I told S "Knowing is half the battle right? It is like an alcoholic who finally wakes up and says "I'm an alcoholic, I have to stop drinking" and they do and they are sober until they die. That is me. That is me now.

now I feel a great sorrow and a great heaving loss.  A loss like death, divorce but also a loss of what to do.

S told me she agreed, she felt it was an Epiphany. One that will truly heal me and help me.  She also mentioned to me when I said I realized how I thought I got past it, but then it came to me that I didn't. She said "You never REALLY get past it.  You never Let Go fully of those insecurities. Just like J and I will never forget the moments we had. they are always there. Instead you learn to work around them, go through them and jump over them." or that's what I took away anyway...

 Now that I recognize it, my eyes are opened. Now I know.

The word for this  exercise was Fragile


Fragile – not secure, unlikely to withstand any severe stresses and strains; physically weak in bodily condition, usually as a result of illness, delicate, shaky.

We all are fragile from time to time, and that’s all right! But, that doesn’t mean to have to remain broken, fearful, and frozen! We can become stronger, both inside and out!
 I may be Fragile once in awhile. But I don't have to remain broken and fragile. Now, I know it is okay.

I deserve love.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to have a man help me stand strong
and I deserve to have a man take care of me
I deserve the good things in life
I deserve the good things in a relationship
I deserve the love of a good man

Maybe, it will be J again, maybe not. I do not know what the future holds. But today...I feel a little bit stronger, a little less "Fragile" and a lot more "Secure"

 One day I might be lucky enough to have a man who loves me for me again in my life




Good night my sweet ones. May you learn through my words, may you see through my eyes, and may one day we all have someone who loves us for us...

Sleepnite Bubbly....May happiness come to you, whatever and who ever that may be with...

The hardest part of learning to love is letting go...if it was meant to be it will come back to you.

Maybe you will come back to me, maybe you won't. But I love you for you whatever you decide. It will hurt. We will heal one way or another. Now I know what love is. Now I know what I never knew with you. 

Now I know why I run.

With that knowledge, my feet are ready to be firmly planted into the soil of love...wherever that may lead...