Saturday, January 28, 2012

Eat, Pray, Love...Soul Mates

Through this hardship many people have suggested to me to read Eat, Pray, Love. Yes I have watched the movie and heard many times over it is NOT the same.  I do however have the audiobook and have listened to it in the past but never made it all the way through. So I opened up my Itunes and click in to where I last left off. Fate, Irony, whatever you want ti call it works in mysterious ways, lemme tell ya.

I draw my bath with my relaxing crystals, Skin So Soft oil and a candle. I have the Master Bedroom so the bathroom is connected very closely. It is pretty much like living in a studio apartment. I turn up the volume on my speakers and settle in to listen.

As Elizabeth Gilbert is speaking I shake my head in disbelief. Wow...what a funny place I left off. It was like the Universe knew I was going to need to hear this at this time. This really hit home right here. I want to share the excerpt with you now. Chapter 48-

"I don't want anyone to talk to me. I can't tolerate anyone's face right now. Worst of all I can't stop obsessing over David. I thought I was over him, but it's all coming up again."
Richard from Texas says "give it another six months, you'll feel better."

"I've already given it twelve months Richard."

"Then give it six more. Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time." 

Richard goes on "Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching. I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that." [... she mentions she thought David was her soul mate]

Richard continues, "He probably was. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person whos shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah, too painful. Soul mates, they just come into your life and reveal another layer of yourself to you, then they leave. Your problem is you can't let this one go. It's over. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. [...] Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. [...She says she loves and misses him.]

So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand.

If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess over this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. Guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in -God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish me and David could-"

Richard cuts her off, "See now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be." [...]


I sat right up to listen. I didn't turn on more hot water as I feared it would drown out the words. I did not care if the bath was cold, I felt "This moment in the audio was meant for me to listen to it, now here, at this time. So listen up."

I sat very still. My thoughts agreed with what was being said.

All the while she needed to use her backbone and realize she is not supposed to be with David because they made each other terribly miserable despite their undeniable love, she needed to be true to her heart and wants, and that the world was hers for the exploring and it would be just the thing that would help her gain her strength back. 

My thoughts now culminating :

Despite mine and J's undeniable love we were the same. We kept making each other miserable. I would try, he would try but it never seemed to be enough for either of us. Were we once happy, yes, sure we were. We were crazy happy! He drove to me, I drove to him, I moved to Nebraska for him not knowing anyone. Even after the honeymoon phase we loved being with each other.  I never fell in love with someone like that. I fell. Fell hard. I was madly in love with him. I never wanted, looked or desired anything or anyone else but him. I would go to events for the Jaycees and people would hit on me and I gladly would walk away and say no. I had never been faithful to anyone. That is hard to say because it shows my past, but it is true. I was always faithful to him though because I never wanted anything else. Even when towards the end other men were trying so hard to pull me away, the only thing they succeeded in was stealing me away locationally, but they are unable to keep me because I want him. Emotionally, Physically, Spiritually. I want J. He is all I ever wanted. Him and more of him. We hit a bump in the track and my train got derailed. I was able to get back on the train, but I think my track changed. I hate myself for being weak and allowing others to influence my brain like that. IF they hadn't, I think J and I would still be together. Love takes effort. It takes time. It takes commitment. Commitment to never leave no matter what. Irony? I was the one always saying he wasn't committed but really it was me. Now I am ready for commitment...and he has moved on. I do feel like J was my soul mate. I never knew love like that.

It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.

 In looking for the excerpt for this book I came upon a blog of someone else, Kristen, who recently went through a break up. Her words really spoke to me so I want to share them with you.

All this time I thought I was trying to get over a boyfriend, when in actuality I was getting over a soul mate. He was my mirror, the person that smacked me awake and brought down my walls. In doing so he changed me for the better by first changing me for the worst. He came into my life on purpose just as I have come upon this book, to reveal the ME that I had masked over time and to show me that the answers are all around me.  
 I have always felt like J was my soul mate, so I felt like I have been trying to get over a  soul mate, but I do feel that in many ways he was the mirror. He came into my life on purpose and by changing me right now for the worst, he is changing me for the better.

In the show Switched at Birth, Daphne says "It's no fun going after something you're not going to get". Thous I agree wholeheartedly, I am having a hard time putting on the brakes. I am working on it. I am working on changing. Today, I got out of my Sweatpants. Put on real pants. I have been wearing my Cuffs lately but the stars on them keep getting caught on things. I am in an agressive, black, gray and dark mood right now. Being the fashion person I am, I decide today (doing things I can decide on at least), to buy some new cuffs. I found some new cuffs and some new earrings and well so my outside matches my inside...angry, upset, dark..

(lft) some soft cuffs, top rt, my star cuffs, middle my new cuffs, bottm lft my long cross earrings, bttm rt, my new brass ring with a rose earrings
I talked to my counselor today and she makes mention to me like others are saying "Things take time. The heart and the head don't always work at the same time. The head needs to be louder." Yes, things take time. And though I know up in my head, I will be ok and I will get over him, and I should want his happiness, right now I hate the other woman, want to scream at the world, I don't feel ok, I don't feel strong, and my heart hurts so much that I want to rip it out and shoot it full of holes and then go buy a new one. But the problem is, no one tells you until it is too late that you really CAN'T buy a new one they can only refurbish the old one. I have to go through this. I know. I just don't have to like it. I feel lost, alone, confused and unequipped with the proper tools to handle this. The reality is: not many people have broken up with me. Not many people turn me away. When they do I feel insecure like when I was in high school feeling not good enough, playing the "IF I" game in my head. "If I was smarter, if i was cuter, if I was more tolerant, If I was nicer, If I was kinder to his family, If I knew what I wanted, IF I, If I, If I..." But the cold, hard reality is I AM NOT. I am NOT those things and IF HE wants her then he doesn't want me. I am not what he needs nor wants.

Face it. 

I am not ready to "move on" and I am in shell shock that he is. I am not ready to make all the changes needed to, but slowly I am making decisions and changes that do affect me in one way or the other.

Hair color? No not yet.
Place of residence- Visiting Colorado for two months or more to see if I might move there, yes.
and today...I added
New Cell Phone? Yes.
Git rid of the old. Git in with the new.
You would be surprised at how healing it is to get rid of an old cell phone after a break up. Very.
All pictures-gone. All messages-gone.

He wants me to let go. He wants space. He wants her.
He said he would be sad if he didn't have a friendship with me. He would be sad if we didn't talk.
Well. If I were the other woman and my ex was still hanging onto his ex, I don't think I would like that very much. How are you supposed to "be on your journey" if you have me waiting in the wings? Sorry, but I don't want to be on your HOOK. I want to be with you. If we can't have that, Sara says I need to ask myself "Can I be JUST friends with J?" IF we never have anything else, can I accept that? I don't know. I just don't know. But I most definitely am going to give it lots of thought. Two months worth in fact.

For now, I know I NEED to let go.

It is just so very hard to let go. I am not ready yet, but maybe I am getting there. Right now I still feel like this

 i will let you go
when the world stops spinning
i will let you go
when the world stops spinning
i will let you go
when the sun and the stars explode
and the world stops spinning

i don't need a savior
i don't need a saint
when the moment comes
i'll be calling out your name
how i long to be with you till the end

Until then, I have a new phone, new jewelry, and a new perspective to ponder and think about....
One day Peace will come to me, 
just not today

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