Friday, January 27, 2012

Make Up Your Mind

I finished reading Looking Up tonight. It is a Devotional journal about getting stuck in the Pit/Valley and how to get out of it. It has some exercises you can answer and I bought it last year at Hope Lutheran Church sometimes in the early Spring. I was reading it pretty much daily, but then life happened and I set it down. Because of current events, of course, I picked it back up.
Click Here for E book or Where to Buy

I was talking to a friend tonight about one of the decisions I made to not share of myself so much with my ex. If he wants all my love, care, encouragement, ego boosting and more, then he should want to want the rest of me. If she is so great, shouldn't she be filling that for him? Why should he get all the good parts of me without the relationship aspect? That isn't fair. I am a caring person and very giving but there is a difference to what I give my friends and what I give those I have feelings for.

" There's the encouragement and philosophy you share out to the world on FB
and then there's the special, intimate, customized treatment you give someone you love"
 
Couldn't have said it better myself.

This of course is just one of the many things I have made my mind up about. In teh book it says:

If you want to get out of the pit, out of the valley, you have to make up your mind to do so. The ground beneath you is only as great as your resolve. Otherwise you are standing on a banana peel.
So, after over a month of begging this man to give me another chance, and getting the final answer that nope, no hope, I am DONE with you, I made up my mind about a few things that were hard, but I knew I had to do them.
I am tired of being pushed and pulled into different directions. For a man who doesn't want to send mixed messages he sure is sending mixed messages. Our emails back and forth (for the lack of him wanting to talk to me live like I thought we should. I mean who am I only the woman he said he was in love with for 4 years, half of the time in his marriage, but no, really email is a GREAT way to help someone heal over a breakup when we could have met in person) resulted in the words finally were said "Nope no hope, if you asked and years maybe." 

Hmm..well that REALLY is No now isn't it. 


William: The thing is... with you I'm in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover, if I was once again cast aside, as I would absolutely expect to be. You'd go and I'd be, well, buggered, basically.
Anna: That really is a real no, isn't it? Don't forget I'm also just a girl...standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her... 
 Oh wait, but with a hook. "if you asked ...". If I asked (not doing that anymore so that won't happen) and years maybe...(hmm, years. so the 4 years I gave you wasn't enough? Wow. Hold on let me get right on pining & waiting for you some more. That sounds thrilling) Sounds like he wants to keep me on the hook.

But, nope. STILL not enough...SO I decided. Wednesday morning I read my journal and it said Make Up Your Mind. and I set the book down and went about my day. But everything kept leading me to do just that. So after that blasted email, I was quite emotional. I won't go into details but upset does NOT even begin to describe my feelings and emotions.  I gathered my things and myself and headed out the door. 

I had made up my mind.

  • to send my ex's niece her birthday gift along with things I was giving her he gave me I no longer wanted or could look at instead of putting her in the middle or hurting her, sparing both our feelings
  • to send his brother who now like snow globes my globes so someone will appreciate them and enjoy them and I don't have to worry about them. Worst case, he says he doesn't want them and gives them to my ex
  • to send the blanket back to him (pink fuzzy) that normally comforts me and quiets my tears, the blanket that normally heals me and warms me, cuz now it harbors thoughts of longing & memories of something I can't have...him.
  • to clean out the basement and throw a lot of things I have decided I no longer need or enjoy
  • to give 7 boxes to a friend so someone else could enjoy things they wouldn't normally have
  • to give all my homeless NP stuff to my sisters church as a donation since they need it anyway
  • to keep all items off my walls I recently has on them and either throw them away or put them away
  • to send a box of his things, things he made for me, gave to me, we did together, cards, letters etc...back to him. I am not a loon and have no desire to burn them or throw them away, but right now I just can't bear to look at them. He said he would hold onto things for me, well, hold on to that until or if I can ever look at it again. Right now, that would be a no.
I made up my mind about contacting him or not contacting him I should say:
  • to not email him or text him on every whim (To fight the Urge)
    • This not only helps me as far as restraint, but gives him what he asked for...SPACE
    • (I got yelled at for emailing too much though he was the one who hadn't checked his email in days, but if we would have SEEN each other, there wouldn't' have been a boatload of emails)
  • that I will no longer beg, plead, or even reach out to him anymore
    • My heart ends up scarred and frayed for the lack of him wanting me or desiring me
  • that I will no longer be sharing my energy or goodness with him anymore, this includes but not limited to
    • I will not be sending him positive, uplifting messages in the morning anymore or throughout the day
    • I will not send him congrats by card, flowers gifts or otherwise when things improve for him at work
    • I will not send inspiring packages of treats or goodies to show my love
    • I will not forward, send or help him get connected with business people or networking anymore
    • I will nto send emails or videos from You Tube anymore
      • 1-He says he doesn't ever watch them because he is at work and when he is home he is tired
      • so 2- if he is not watching or even listening to them, what is the point because the feeling is in the song and how it makes you feel not the lyrics as they are there to enhance
    • no more sending any handwritten cards or letters in regular mail
  • I have decided I am done reaching.
    • If he wants to be a part of my life, he needs to contact me
      • Though I have decided this means, I will walk away from teh computer, my phone etc and not wait to hear from him anymore
      • If he calls then he does. If he emails then he does. He knows the best time to reach me, he knows me. If he wants to be a part of my life, then he needs to reach.
      • I reached, begged and pleaded and got almost shoved off the cliff 
      • He thinks I will keep reaching, keep asking and I am not. I am done. I am hurt. no more.
  • I have decided to go to Colorado for a few months away from other influences, most especially men so I can REGROUP in a safe place
  • I do not plan to date for the next 6 months, perhaps longer
I have relationship hopped for so long that I am sick, lost confused and now, because of this

BROKEN, SHATTERED, WOUNDED

I will always love him, but if he wants her he is done with me. I asked him to date us both and he said no. I said leave her and he said no. I have made some vast improvements in the past couple of weeks, yet the answer is always, no.

If he would rather have her than the beautiful soul of me inside and out...ok...go for it.

I guess I am not wanted. He thinks he doesn't want me, but I strongly feel he is lying to himself. I say this because he tells me over and over how "happy he is with her" and how"she makes him happy" but if that is the case then why don't you want to lose me out of your life?" Because you want all those parts that make up me. But as I said in the beginning of this post, it is not fair to ask me for that without the rest...of me...that truly is...

wanting the cow and asking for the milk for free

SHE should be the encourager
SHE shoud be the ego booster
SHE should be the one giving him congrats for kudos at work
SHE should be his muse
If SHE is "So great" then SHE needs to be GREAT for him

I think that either she will or she won't be and if she isn't then he may come to his senses and  see all the great things I do for him and how wonderful I treat him and am there for him. Maybe he will see how much I love him, but how I show my love and maybe I am being boastful but I don't think any woman can fill my shoes.

So we had problems, so we fought, who doesn't. Love endures. If this can't endure, then perhaps this wasn't love. It pains me to say it like that, but I don't know what else to think when only after a few weeks he has moved on, loves her, thinks he always has and he might want to marry her and have babies or not with her. I am willing to give him all those things. I have asked over and over why no? The ONLY reason he can say is "I left" So otherwise he thinks I am amazing but because I want to live somewhere else while we could have both gotten our life together until the time was right, you would rather BE WITH HER?

ok

Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it. Making up your mind is hard. I realize it can hurt others, but sometimes certain things need to happen. He keeps saying how he is sticking to his decision and his mind is made up...ok..well my mind is made up too...

You want her not me

ok

POOF...I let you go...along with me...I let me let go of you...

now both our minds are made up